Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by curtius, Nov 30, 2007.

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  1. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    Its too late I have already decided

    Its just the matter of which blades I want to use. I have so many its kinda like going to the mall and picking out whaterver you want. In my line of work i am surrounded with things i can kill myself with and people that adore me as I am female in a male environment....doesnt mean SHIT.

    I think I will always be tied to this chain.


    feeling small now
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    hold on.
  3. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    So sorry you are hurting curtius. I just dont understand why you feel you will always be tied to this chain.... and what do you mean by 'chain'?
    What is the bottom reason you feel this way hun?

    I know that working with opposite gender doesn't make one feel better bout the self, it can be annoying at times... it this the problem or else?

    Try to hold on tight...

    be well and stay safe
  4. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    I build guns for a living....funny huh? The really ironic thing is I would never use one to hurt myself - for some reason I respect them too much and perhaps in a subconscious way the pain would not be enough for the true punishment I seek inside.

    I am a female in a mans environment and a lot of men feel like women should not do what I do ( i dont care and never have all they are to me is competition)....but I do it very well and thats why I always have a job and always have more work than I can handle. I can work for myself and work at my own pace and that is good for someone like me. I get a lot of attention by men doing what I do - but they are all fake. They just want what they think is cool - a chick that builds guns. There is so much more to me - I have been a member of this board for years and done many different things during that time but even here I have only disclosed so much. Cant I meet a real person for once?

    The chain I speak of is my incessant cycle I go thru. Its truely a cycle and I have been on drugs and off drugs and in between and self medicated and you know? My mind has always been above it. I know whats wrong with me, I know how I could medicate it, I know how I could meditate around it, I know how to distract myself away from it....but the simple fact is ITS STILL FUCKING THERE.

    I build guns....I can shoot something and obliterate it. Its gone, bits and pieces no where to be found......why cant this dissappear the same way too?

    I have scars upon scars......and I have seen people with scars way worse then my own....I dont want to be one of them but I am headed down that road...

    and now I have new marks to hide.

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