Becca,
Please don't do this hun. These past few days have been tough for you but we all want to help you.
Don't keep everything bottled up. Talk to us.
Claire xx
It's not just the past few days, years have built up to this. Now I stopped my one release it's building up more. I just feel like I'm going to explode. I feel like there is no future. I had
one chance of escaping, now that has been torn away. That place will become a hell just like everywhere else I have been.
I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just see it carrying on till I die. I'm not strong enough to stop it. I'm not strong at all. I put on this false facade of been okay, of dealing with things, I start to believe it myself. Then one thing knocks it down. Knocks me down, back to reality. Of the fact I can't deal.
I don't have control over anything anymore. I doubt I ever did. I think I lost control when it all started and I won't ever gain control again. I have had no life. All my life has been controlled. Controlled actions, controlled love, controlled friendships, controlled eating. What is the point in carrying on.
Killing myself would be breaking that control it's the only way it will be broken. It will be back under my control. I would have done it tonight if I hadn't made such a good friend they managed to talk me out of it. I love her dearly for it but I still feel like I have let myself down by not carrying it out.
God people must think I'm a poser, threatening to do it then not. I'm not. I was darn certain I was going to do it tonight, no-one figured it out. Been planning for months and no-one cottoned on. That one word made someone suspicious. The last person I wanted making suspicious.. The one person who I knew could talk me out of it. They did.
They know I can't hurt people, but in living I'm hurting myself and others. My dad included... he doesn't care about me. Don't think he ever has. Why would he..I'm the screw-up daughter. The odd one out. The only one he had to adopt. The other two are his. Mum made him promise, thats the only reason he did it, his love for her, not for me.
Ugh.. I'm rambling. My head is so fucked up right now. I had it all planned. ALL of it. I had said goodbye in my way.. made people suspicious though then she talked me out of it. >< so now my head is fucked. I don't know what to do. Do I plan again and just not bother saying bye, just let them believe I'm okay again or do I try and work through it. Fight the urges.
..If I could be free everything would be okay.. I'm not free and I never will be :sad:
Meh.