Meh.

[tintin]

I just want to die..Can't do with this anymore..I just can't.
No-one knows how I feel, not really. I guess I've got good at hiding it before certain people could tell now even they can't.

I'm just waiting for the right time.. sat biding my time until it's safe to do it.

Can't hold on much longer.
Meh.

 

[Scum]

Do you think maybe you could tell someone?

Has anything happened to make you feel so desperate?

 

[andyc68]

hi becca

i am sorry you are feeling this way and i wish there was some words i can say to make you see things differently and if you want to pm me and talk i will try to help you thru this.

all i know is that this world will be a sadder place without you, just give yourself some time hun.

we dont want to lose you.

 

[tintin]

Do you think maybe you could tell someone?

Has anything happened to make you feel so desperate?

Life and it's twist and turns.

I'm getting everything in order, letting the people who matter know how much they mean to me.

Luckily no-one suspects a thing. I'm good at hiding now.

 

[~Claire]

Becca,

Please don't do this hun. These past few days have been tough for you but we all want to help you.

Don't keep everything bottled up. Talk to us.

Claire xx

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Becca,
What is going on? I know we have never talked but I always read your posts and replys..I know just how bad things can get but you have to hang on to every little positive thing that happens in your life. You can build hope from them...
Your friends here and others such as my self do not want any harm to come to you. Lean on us and open up..You know we will listen and help as much as we can!!Please Stay Safe!!!

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Becca,
What is going on? I know we have never talked but I always read your posts and replys..I know just how bad things can get but you have to hang on to every little positive thing that happens in your life. You can build hope from them...
Your friends here and others such as my self do not want any harm to come to you. Lean on us and open up..You know we will listen and help as much as we can!!Please Stay Safe!!

 

[tintin]

Becca,

Please don't do this hun. These past few days have been tough for you but we all want to help you.

Don't keep everything bottled up. Talk to us.

Claire xx

It's not just the past few days, years have built up to this. Now I stopped my one release it's building up more. I just feel like I'm going to explode. I feel like there is no future. I had one chance of escaping, now that has been torn away. That place will become a hell just like everywhere else I have been.

I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just see it carrying on till I die. I'm not strong enough to stop it. I'm not strong at all. I put on this false facade of been okay, of dealing with things, I start to believe it myself. Then one thing knocks it down. Knocks me down, back to reality. Of the fact I can't deal.

I don't have control over anything anymore. I doubt I ever did. I think I lost control when it all started and I won't ever gain control again. I have had no life. All my life has been controlled. Controlled actions, controlled love, controlled friendships, controlled eating. What is the point in carrying on.

Killing myself would be breaking that control it's the only way it will be broken. It will be back under my control. I would have done it tonight if I hadn't made such a good friend they managed to talk me out of it. I love her dearly for it but I still feel like I have let myself down by not carrying it out.

God people must think I'm a poser, threatening to do it then not. I'm not. I was darn certain I was going to do it tonight, no-one figured it out. Been planning for months and no-one cottoned on. That one word made someone suspicious. The last person I wanted making suspicious.. The one person who I knew could talk me out of it. They did.

They know I can't hurt people, but in living I'm hurting myself and others. My dad included... he doesn't care about me. Don't think he ever has. Why would he..I'm the screw-up daughter. The odd one out. The only one he had to adopt. The other two are his. Mum made him promise, thats the only reason he did it, his love for her, not for me.

Ugh.. I'm rambling. My head is so fucked up right now. I had it all planned. ALL of it. I had said goodbye in my way.. made people suspicious though then she talked me out of it. >< so now my head is fucked. I don't know what to do. Do I plan again and just not bother saying bye, just let them believe I'm okay again or do I try and work through it. Fight the urges.

..If I could be free everything would be okay.. I'm not free and I never will be :sad:


Meh.

 

[mdmefontaine]

i'm sorry you are in so much pain :sad:
if you'd like to talk i am always here. ..

life really sucks sometimes and it gets so hard we can't see why. why are we struggling. ..

but the reason we struggle, , is that life is worth living. and we have opportunities to love and be loved - if we are here. . and there can be nothing more important.

please stay. . you are really doing a positive thing by being honest, and by reaching out. it shows us you are strong. . . .so lean on us to help you thru the low time. .. .always xxxx

 

[tintin]

Urges are still there. Why won't they go away :sad:

 

[~Claire]

Ah sweetheart :hug:.

I'm glad your friend was there for you & managed to talk you round. I certainly don't think you're a poser & I doubt anyone else will either, we've all been there hun. I'd much rather read that you changed your mind & didn't end up in the hospital cos you tried to do something.

I know you say killing yourself will break the control, but is it really worth it, if you won't be there to benefit? Let some of your barriers down babe, let them know that you are hurting.

You have to put yourself first, you don't hurt others but at what cost to yourself? Sometimes other people will get hurt, that's life, you can't be responsible for everybodies happiness especially at the expense of your own :hug:.

I'm not sure what the story is with your Dad, but I can relate to it in some ways as I was raised by my brother & sisters Dad, we were all supposedly treated the same, but that was never the case.

Please keep fighting the urges Becca, let people help you find a way free. You can PM me anytime you want if you need to talk.

Take care of yourself, Claire xx