So I thought I needed to proper vent but the words cannot come out typical I will say this I am not safe I am not okay. I cannot fight these thoughts, knowing no one around me has no idea what is going on. And worse of all those who do know what is going on have little interest because they believe nothing is fundamentally wrong, and the one person who did care is fucking dead. Family what family I thought a mother loved their child unconditionally really go on tell me that is true? And the thing is I cannot even help the people who need me because I am so self absorbed in my own world trying to fight myself to fight killing myself but I do not want to worry them, because then I feel so guilty for speaking out. Then THEN I try the doctors if no one can help me they have to right? So what do they do sign me of work and told me I am doing fine. I told them I was planning to kill myself told them the method and told them I was pretty much set in doing it, so well clearly according to them there is not a problem so why should I worry so much, also I cannot still get the therapy I need until September as it is not available til then well that is nice. So if no one wants to take me seriously that is fine I am going to fade away I am not saying when but I have it all planned out hopefully they will not even find a body hopefully, and no one is going to notice so I have no guilty and anyone who thinks there is a way through this I have tried and that is all I wanted to do tried so I am done. I will just kick back and enjoy my remaining time knowing the pain will end soon, those who need me I will try and help, if I can.