meltdown

Not sure how to start this. For the last few years I've been feeling helpless. My father has Alzheimers and that has been a massive strain on the family though I love him to death. I have a serious illness of my own that I live with daily. My mother is waiting on results of two polyps removed from a colonoscopy and she has had cancer three times already. Six months ago I got out of a terrible relationship that gutted me. Everything has been hitting me all at once and I feel helpless. I am drinking every single night to numb the pain. I've started smoking again. I constantly feel worn out.

Someone came into my life though. A new woman started working with me and we started talking every day. We had so much in common and we started doing things like going to the casino, zoo, golfing, restaurants and just hanging out whenever we could. She had also gotten out of a bad relationship, very abusive, and has admitted she is damaged. We became very close friends but I started to develop feelings. Strong feelings. I have fallen deeply in love. The last thing on my mind at night is her and she is also the first thing on my mind when I wake up. I can't get her out of my head. She is everything I have always wanted.

Two months after I met her, subconsciously or not, I took some hydrocodone with my nightly barrage of alcohol. I called her in a panic. I felt like I was dying. I never felt as horrible as I did that evening up until that point. She talked me down and I honestly believe she saved my life.

Things have changed though. I know it's not healthy to place everything on one portion of your life but nothing else makes me happy. She is leaving our job and moving on. I feel sick to my stomach that she will not be there anymore for support. She says we'll obvioulsy still see each other but I can see she wants to just be friends. I'm so afraid. I haven't been able to stop crying for the last few weeks. I can't stop thinking about what I might do if she stops talking to me. I constantly think of ways to end my life. My poetry has gotten very dark. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornign. I'm so afraid what is going to snap in my brain if my mother's tests come back positive again for cancer. She's almost 70 and I can't lose her and my father so close together. I feel like I'm not needed anymore. I don't know what to do.

I don't know that I consciously tried to kill myself with the pills and alcohol but I know that recently it's a large part of what I think about. Most of my days whether at work, at home or anywhere else is spent in misery, dwelling on everything bad, or crying. I have nothing in my life positive right now that I can think about. nothing makes me happy anymore. Even when I spend time with her it's fleeting and what little happiness I derive is gone the moment she goes home. Things I used to do that brought me some semblance of joy I just don't have any energy or desire to do. I'm afraid I'm going down a one way road and I don't know how to turn around. I don't even know if I want to. If I didn't wake up tomorrow I'd be so much happier.

I can't stop shaking. I don't know what to do. I don't think I want to die right now but the way I feel is filled with so much black, it's the only way I can describe it. and when I get drunk I don't know what I'm capable of anyway. god help my I just want something to make sense.

 

Welcome, Eric. I can tell how much pain you're going through, with what's happening with you and your family as well as your relationship with your special person. :hug: I just want you to know that I and others here are listening and will keep you and your family in our thoughts. Take care.

 

Eric, I have had a very recent struggle with losing someone I had very special feelings for. A week ago, I was at a suicide stage 4. I was planning on skipping steps 5 and 6 and completing step 7, suicide completed. It was to be carried out this weekend, but I have now put it off. The reason for that was that I realized that I am not the only human being on the planet whose life appears to be over. For some strange reason, that brought me comfort. I didn't feel so alone in this cruel world. I felt connected to other "people" realizing we all shared something "unique". Depression, sorrow, loss whatever the condition, we are the same.

Take comfort in that if you can....
Take one day at a time, you won't get fixed overnight
And post! You will find that when you pour out your soul, where you can "see" what your feeling and thinking, that it helps. Couldn't tell you why, I just know it does.
And remember this...you aren't really alone. We just don't all reside in the same country or zip code. But we are here for all the world to see.
In our little world of the "Land Of The Misfit Toys"
Peace

 

Eric,

Alzheimers sure is painful, hey? Very sorry to hear your family is suffering from it, and the pain you are in...


Welcome to these forums, please know I'm around if you would like to talk. <3