Memento

I don't know how many people are familiar with that movie - it's from 2000. It's about this guy he can't make new memories. He has short-term memory loss. Anything more than 10 minutes and his memory "fades".

He's on a hunt to find a guy who "raped and murdered his wife" but in reality he's already killed the guy and he actually killed his own wife because of his condition. She was diabetic and he gave her too much insulin because he couldn't remember that he just gave her some.

I feel like him. I can't remember stuff. I just wake up and things are the way they are. I wish I could say I had that condition medically but that's just how I am because I drink too much. And my drinking isn't at a level where I can just stop on my own. it's pretty bad. When I stop drinking my hands shake, I sweat a lot even though I'm cold and I hallucinate and hear things. Like my daughter crying outside my bedroom door even though she's not even here.

It's like I've stepped into this giant puddle of quicksand crap that I can't pull myself out of. I push away everyone. I alienate. I use personal details I know about people against them to inflict maximum hurt and I hate that about myself. I'm turning into an ugly person. And even though my ex-wife really IS an ugly person I'm worrying that I'm going to out do her.

I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm always alone. living in my house till the lease expires. it doesn't help. I actually don't want to die. But at the same time I wouldn't mind it. I know what it'd take to help me to find the will to live. I just don't believe I'll ever find her.

 

I push away everyone. I alienate. I use personal details I know about people against them to inflict maximum hurt and I hate that about myself
I used to do that although my circumstances were different,for me it was a case of hurt them before they hurt me , like i had to get in there first.
if you want to chat pm me, i use messenger alot just let me know, i know there's nothing i can do to help but i can listen

 

Your will to live will come back when you stop drinking. Really i know my twin drank herself into comas into having grand mal seizures people stole over 10.000 dollars off her because she became a target for them. Its the booze She went into treatment and is doing great now You need to be in detox the world is so much brighter when your not in a fog of alcohol. Put down the bottle pick up the phone and go to detox and get help go to the hospital your doctor get on medication to decrease your urgeto drink Stop this vicious cycle now. Maybe sober you will find that someone to share your life with but if your drinking no one will want to deal with that. Give yourself a chance and go get help If my twin can do it so can you she drank for near 30 yrs now and she has fought and won so can you Please put it down and go get help.

 

I love that movie!

I agree with the others. You need to get help for your alcohol problem.

 

I've never seen the movie.
But i echo the above sentiments, seek help to deal with your problems and life will get easier.
Good luck!