I don't know how many people are familiar with that movie - it's from 2000. It's about this guy he can't make new memories. He has short-term memory loss. Anything more than 10 minutes and his memory "fades". He's on a hunt to find a guy who "raped and murdered his wife" but in reality he's already killed the guy and he actually killed his own wife because of his condition. She was diabetic and he gave her too much insulin because he couldn't remember that he just gave her some. I feel like him. I can't remember stuff. I just wake up and things are the way they are. I wish I could say I had that condition medically but that's just how I am because I drink too much. And my drinking isn't at a level where I can just stop on my own. it's pretty bad. When I stop drinking my hands shake, I sweat a lot even though I'm cold and I hallucinate and hear things. Like my daughter crying outside my bedroom door even though she's not even here. It's like I've stepped into this giant puddle of quicksand crap that I can't pull myself out of. I push away everyone. I alienate. I use personal details I know about people against them to inflict maximum hurt and I hate that about myself. I'm turning into an ugly person. And even though my ex-wife really IS an ugly person I'm worrying that I'm going to out do her. I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm always alone. living in my house till the lease expires. it doesn't help. I actually don't want to die. But at the same time I wouldn't mind it. I know what it'd take to help me to find the will to live. I just don't believe I'll ever find her.