I didnt know where to post this, since it is a depression/suicidal though/homicidal though thread. To give the short story here, I'm a 17 year old (18 in 12 days) male who grew up with a father (divorce) and have seen my mom deteriorate from her MS as long as I can remember. Ive always been a loner, very few close friends and a lot of aquaintences. I know numerous secrets, disturbing ones, repulsive ones, and ones I am legally not able to even hint at. About 2 years ago I met a girl on the school bus, and we started dating. This was my first real girlfriend, we started having sex and we were great together. I loved her, she loved me, she wanted to get married but I of course refused (being my junior year of highschool, I wasnt about to get engaged even though I wanted to). Over time we began to fight, she is potentially bipolar as well. I began to become Christian over some time, and started to change my life. I brought up the idea of starting to get off the sex a little bit, and she freaked out. We continued but it wasnt the same. Some time ago she joined some stupd website called "FUBAR", which is pretty much an online bar for whores of all shapes and sizes to hang out. She met up with this guy, asks me if she can go on a "non serious date" with him, and I reluctantly let her, although she lies to me about talking to him in the past. There was some party she was going to go to with him and she claimed she was going to "some, get drunk and get laid", so I went to the part with her. Met the guy, and as far as I know she hasnt seen him since. So, she and I were back together, although I was "changing" according to her, although shew as too. We broke up, she said she still loved me and she cried so much and we said we might be able to work something out. 4 days later she goes to her ex boyfrined's house to "get her trucnk fixed". He asks her out and she accepts. He fingers her and she gives him a handjob, supposedly for "One Minute" before she pulled away. SHe dated this guy 2 years ago. In those past years hes been with 3 girls, one of them her BEST FRIEND, and fucked all 3 of them. He had FOUR "ONe-Night stands" during this time period as well. She knows, she doesn't care. Ive hammered it into her but shes still being a little whorish college bitch. I didnt know this at the time, and 3 days later a friend of ours pulled us together, we talked and we were going to get back together the next day when I asked what she actually did with him, found out, and called everything off. She freaked out crying and apparently passed out. To be honest ive been E-Stalking her lately, trying to find otu what shes been doing. 2 days ago it was her birthday, she spent the entire night with this jackass who wants nothign but to fuck her and apparently had a "blast". Yesterday I had work, but when I got home from school I sat there and thought. I know quite a large amount of ways to kill someone, and I pictured her in many of them. I sat there with a knife, very damn close to the door to walk to her house and killing her, then myself. I obvously didnt, but sat there thinking, witha knife poking into my neck with enough pressure that more would easily cut through. I didnt (obviously), and went to work. The thoughts still cross my mind, all the time. I get memories of her in EVERYTHING I do. I did everything with her. My two closest friends have moved half a state away and those were the only ones I had. She was my friend, my companion, the one who I thought id be with for quite some time. I have destroyed all but one picture of her and some of our prom pictures. But the memories are still there. When I wake up in the morning I think of her sleeping there with me, when I go to the bus I think of her riding with me, when I get off from school I think about meeting up with her which we ussually did. When im on the computer I think of her because a game that I own online has her playing it still, and its impossible not to remember her. I think of her IMing me on MSN or AIM, and always check to see if that was her who just pinged me. When I shower I think of her (we did together, once, but its a clear memory). I could go on forever but I figure anyone reading this gets the point. Not a moment goes by where I dont think about her when we were together. She was the only only person I hung out with, ive been lonely this past month and theres not a damn thing I can do about it. Shes payign me back $100 she owes me in 7 days, shoudl I try to talk to her then or not? I still think about killing her, I still think about killing myself (with and without killing her). I stop myself, its against my religion, and that is the ONLY thing that is holding me back. I KNOW that if I had shown more love to her and more caring she wouldnt have wavered, and I know you all will say that she didnt "really" love me if she did that but I know I coudl have changed things. Ive always had trouble showing emotion and it made her mad, not liek tis my fault I had a really crappy childhood and a not so good looking future. SHe says she knows she screwed up, she claims she regrets it but shes still going down this life of a stereotypical college whore who doesnt care how many girls her lover has been with. SHe is guided by lust, not love. I cant understand this.