Memories, flashbacks and triggers

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Brighid Moon, Jun 16, 2009.

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  1. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Everything triggers me.

    I can't get away from the impotent rage I hold inside of myself for all of my abusers. And when things happen in the 'now' that remind me of things that have happened in the past, I just freak. It doesn't have to be an exact experience. My biggest trigger is being helpless. Someone says or does something that bugs me or hurts me, and I can't do anything about it. It makes me feel revictimized all over again. What I really want to do is to hurt them all the way they've hurt me, and/or hurt others. I'm not even particular any longer - if they're an abuser they deserve to be hurt at least as bad as they've hurt someone else.

    This vengefullness makes me a very bad person.

    Fortunately there's nothing I can do. No one is worth going to jail over. I can't face the repercussions if I were to hurt them back. And a part of me inside can't begin to really hurt someone else, and make them feel as I feel. Besides, I'm a coward at heart. So I do nothing but seethe in my rage and hatred.

    And take it out on myself.

    Nothing is so horrifying as having someone do something to you (no matter what it is) and having to sit there and take it. Suck it up, so to speak. It takes a part of your soul. And every time I say, "Yes, Dad," or have to be nice to someone who has hurt me, or who is hurting me, or even someone who I just happen to not like for whatever reason, it gives me flashbacks, and takes another part of my soul.

    My soul is in so many pieces.

    Those who wish me dead shouldn't. Really. This being alive business is far more torture.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2009
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can understand what you mean. Triggers have become a "normal" part of my life. I hope to someday lessen the quantity of them or at least take away their power. Even if you choose not to take action against anyone, it doesn't mean there is nothing you can do to aid you in the healing process. I am assuming since you have your DX listed, you are undergoing therapy or have in the past. I find it ironic that what took a few minutes to destroy can take a lifetime to heal. Don't give up. it doesn't always have to be this way.
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks gentlelady. It's a fact. And I go in and out of these phases, depending upon what's happening with me. I can go a long time being all right, then it hits again when I'm depressed or triggered (or a combination, like now). The difference is before I didn't know what was happening, now I do. I didn't know what it really meant, now I do. It used to take me away (sometimes for weeks or months) and now it doesn't, which is good. No abreactions. No fugues. I guess I'm "dealing" with the emotions and memories now. I'm not sure this is better!
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey just read your post god it sounds just like me. When i am attacked for any reason i am sent back to being this child so hurt so vulnerable ican't breath. Why do people have to be so unkind why can't they see attacking peoples thoughts emotions attack them. You say the flashbacks get better but mine are getting worse. This last one has sent me into hiding for along time now 3 weeks exactly I wish i wasnt such a weak person i used to fight.
    i too get so angry so full of hate and hold it all inside which eventually eats me up and kills my soul. Im sorry just related thats all sorry if i took over your thread take care i hope your flashbacks become less and less take care
  5. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Don't be sorry, Mary! I'm sorry its so hard on you, or for that matter anyone. Its a horrible way to have to live.

    My flashbacks aren't getting better, but how I'm dealing with them is. As a matter of fact my flashbacks are much worse where I am right now, and my therapist and I are dealing with it all. What's better is that I'm not losing time, freaking out, running off, disappearing and then "waking up" days/weeks/months later with nothing but my purse and wondering how the hell I got wherever I am and mourning losing my entire life, all over again. It's a hell of a battle - one that I'm fighting right now. So you're not weak, not at all.

    My therapist has put me in anger management courses, which I've taken before. Problem with taking anything at all is that there's so much of me to take things that many times nothing sticks. LOL I can take things over and over and over again and depending on who shows up, well, perhaps I'll only get parts of what's said, or maybe none at all. But anger management courses are perfect for anyone who has been abused - because all of this depression we have is simply anger towards someone/thing else which we take out on ourselves, instead. We do the abusers' jobs for them. We were trained to. So please, perhaps see if you can find something like that, or maybe good therapy, or any way to release the rage in at least a semi-healthy manner - because you're right. It does kill your soul.

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i seeing a psychologist who has never once said anything mean tome but the past is being brought back making me more vulnerable to what people say and do. I have started on antianxiety meds been on them 3 weeks now but they make me so tired i don't feel anything much. I hope my psychologist can work on anger issues because like you say i only beat myself up for letting them win for letting them give me pain in the first place
    i hope you continue to heal as i have to for the sake of my daughter. take care thanks for your understanding
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Hiya, I've read all this thread. I just wanted to say, I know how this feels like and personally, I just distanced myself from these people, in any way possible. It's no wonder you feel the way you do. Some people are like poison and kill you, not only that, the people who make you feel like you 'should' act this way to the people who have hurt you. If I were you I'd go nuts! There's no way I could be near people who I recognise as being poisonous/toxic/abusive and act. I found I had to in the past and I'd shut up. I just wouldn't talk. Recently, when I was going to die, part of my 'personal therapy' was to attack myself in front of my mother and sister/ scream at them and in the road and eventually we all started talking about what I'd gone through here. I realise, when looking, back that was huge, to let my mother know this is what I've done for so long being here, to shut up and attack myself through self destruction, because of her and the others here.

    But why should you be nice to the people who hurt you? Why even have a relationship with them? Why go through all that? Isn't that dangerous to your health, and isn't your anger at feeling compelled to do this/and the resulting feelings of helplessness/rage/fear completely understandable?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2009
  8. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I agree with ggg4567 it would be best if you could distance yourself from the can you deal with abuse when you are still in the middle of it?

    Wow - I feel like I was reading about myself in some ways. When I get angered, I have been known to disappear and forget what I did for weeks at a time. Thank G-d, I just took on another persona that still kept the same address and "relationships". I could only start really healing when all my abusers were either dead or gone. Vengefullness isn't bad - it is normal! It is what you do with it that makes a difference.

    Thankfully, the flashbacks have reduced to just reminders that send me into a "foggy tailspin" for a couple of days and then I "come back" usually stronger with the help of my therapist. It has been a long arduous path with a long way to go - but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Hang in is worth the wild ride. I use the anger to push me onward - they WON"T WIN if I can build a life that is worthwhile after what they did to me. The key for me is learning how to assertively, without anger, maintain my boundaries and defend my self-worth. The anger is an indicator for me that someone has crossed a boundary that they shouldn't have. The depression is usually tied to me giving up, or to a flashback which I need to process. Either way, if I take action of some kind, it is better in the long run.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    That's so much like how I feel too TBear. I love reading your posts- especially your last paragraph sums up what I've learnt. I feel like we've been through similar processes. The 'foggy' bit- I don't experience that much now, I've come such a long way - and it's taken me nearly 3 years to get out of that type of dissociation- and anger- using that anger was the key in helping me heal and realise/process what had happened.
  10. Bridg

    Bridg Member

    Hi, I just read your post and I hope you don't mind me jumping in. Everything you said describes how I feel, I have this terrible rage inside me that has festered since childhood. I admire you because you have found the strength to talk about it, I have never been able to open up and tell anyone because even now many years later I am afraid to tell, how pathetic is that?.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NOt pathetic understandable im 50 and held it inside all these years but then i only started to remember things with help of psychologist. It is very hard to disclose this part of our past as we are so guarded afraid to be hurt or judged by others. It would be good to talk to someone you trust though or a therapist who i find easier because he doesn't know me and won't judge me
    In time you will get the strength to open up You did good coming here to talk about it. Just know whatever happened it was not your fault and getting help for yourself will help you not be a victim anymore but will help you be a survivor okay When you stronger get help talk with councillor minister priest teacher therapist anyone because you need to release this pain and anger as it is only hurting you take care mary
  12. Bridg

    Bridg Member

    Thank you for your words of kndness, I have tried talking to therapists but it is impossible for me to open up because as soon as I try to talk I have severe panic attacks usually resulting with having to be hookedup to life support until the muscles relax enough for me to be able to breathe again. I just have to keep reliving the terror everynight in nightmares the only way out is to take my life and end it all.
  13. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I wrote it out many times before I was able to tell it - in fact I still "talk" to my therapist by keeping a journal and letting him read it out loud in session and then we process it. It has taken three years to get to this point....I used to panic also.

    I still can't directly say alot of what has happened. I am barely able to write it and am terrified when I know what I've written for us to process. There have been times when I have asked him to read it to himself since I couldn't bear to hear it. With time - it gets easier.

    It takes me going through it and gathering every "point of view" perhaps - and re-telling it with a different perspective.

    The perspective of "I'm not the garbage, although I was treated like garbage. Actually it was the abuser who was the garbage." funny how that didn't cross my mind when I was in the middle of re-living it.

    The anger, flashbacks and strong emotions chase all logic away. Get it out of your system somehow. Let yourself grab hold of life and the chance for a is there, it has to be. You are worth the fight it takes!
  14. Bridg

    Bridg Member

    No hun, my life is worth nothing it was destroyed along time ago
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