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Memories. (may trigger)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by soapymongoose, Jan 15, 2009.

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  1. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    I fucking hate them. It ended 22 years ago. But if an incident brings them back they are still so vivid. How? As hard as I think I can't remember anywhere near as much detail about anything else.

    One of my closest male friends made a pass at me the other night. I could just lie there trying to disguise my shaking. Straight away I was 5 years old again. All the progress, all the years spent fighting myself. This strange desire to self destruct for reasons so convoluted with time that the reason doesn't even matter anymore. So I lay there. Luckily it didn't last long, despite how long it seemed, and thankfully there was little sexual contact. I don't blame him at all because I could've stopped him, but I chose not to. I have to understand that it is my issues and they aren't caused by what happened on tuesday night. I've had 2 homo-sexual experiences before. I moved overseas at aged 8 and, thinking it was natural, had another "relationship" with a "curious" boy. I was 11 and he was 14. At 25 me and my best friend had a drug induced sexual experience. He is gay and I was going through some pretty scary regression. Through a chain of events I thought there might've been a chance I would have to face my abuser. I was petrified for months. Through a few years of therapy I've come to realise I had a long-term relationship with my abuser, in the same vein as long term relationships I've had voluntarily with girls as an adolescent/adult, and I actively participated. I can remember enjoying it. I would question "why would I?" Also, I have to understand that I have every right to not blame myself. But if I can remember it feeling so natural, and enjoying it, then what right have I got to not proportion any blame to myself? In my earliest memories he is there. The period it started from I can remember nothing of. It was only in my early teens when the gravity of what happened for so long sank in completely. Until then I missed my abuser. Ever since I have wondered what I would've been like as a child. Instead of a shell. I attempted suicide at 14, my mum saved me. I was unconscious, face down in a pool of vomit on my bed and I don't want to know the full extent of what happened so she hasn't told me. I know I'd drank a full bottle of whisky and half a bottle of Brandy and washed down the medicine cabinet. When I awoke it was nearly a day later and I was still alive. How the fuck was I still alive? I couldn't do anything right after that.

    I've been doing so well with this shit in the past few years. In my head anyway, even if the outside world thinks I'm a loser. Why the fuck does it keep coming back? It's so hard sometimes. If I didn't have my music I don't think I would be here now. Everything positive in my life has stemmed from music. Either composing or listening to. Talking about. Seeing live. Anything at all. Sometimes there is nothing else. Sometimes even music can't stop the memories though :(
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi soapy. I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you in your past. I'm just wondering though, do you think that you are gay or bisexual after having all of these homosexual experiences? Or do you think that you are still straight? :unsure:
  3. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    I class myself as bi-sexual, after a lot of deliberation though :blink:
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Nothing wrong with being a bisexaul. It just means more potential sexual partners. :laugh:
  5. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I honestly dont really know what to say right now. But i figured I could at least say that i hope things get better for you.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi soapymongoose,

    I am sorry to hear about what happened to you in the past.

    I'm just curious, were you offered any professional help after your attempt? :hug:
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    all i can say is i'm sorry :hug: do the memories ever pass? tahts all i keep asking myself.

    i'm here if you need to vent ever hun
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