Memories surfacing...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by canisarcticus, May 23, 2013.

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  1. canisarcticus

    canisarcticus New Member

    For the past couple of months I have been having flashbacks, nightmares, and memories from my childhood. I do have a counselor and we are working on it. I don't know what to do though. It is all so intense. I can't find a support group and I can't afford enough support. there just isn't enough support in the world. Besides lack of sleep, I have to deal with being a phd student and running a farm and pretend that I am okay to everyone. like these memories are not the ONLY thing I ever think about all day long... Words of wisdom from those who have been there would be greatly appreciated. I am in a pretty bad space.
  2. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    Hello there
    I know all too well how frightening and unbelievably horrid flashbacks are. I am a child abuse and adult rape/domestic abuse survivor and even though I think I have got quite a long way with my healing, I find again I am virtually back at square one in many ways.
    Firstly dont let anyone say to you which they have me and what books on subject say is that flashbacks are not as bad as the real life thing you experienced.............its very naive of people to say this. Ok you are not now that child and living with what is playing out, BUT a flashback is JUST as scary, haunting and damaging.
    I have been having alot lately and they made me feel even worse and tiny than what being abused as a child made me feel when it was actually happening, THAT is how strong a flashback is.

    Its not just a few images and thoughts, in my experience you relive the whole thing and its awful. I have found everytime I have been to therapists for help with my abuse, it just gets worse and worse, and I fall deeper down the hole, I dont know what the answer is, except sharing and talking with other survivors who have been there themselves and have 1st hand experience. Ok therpists are trained, but how can they REALLY empathise unless a survivor themselves? They cant, not truly.
    Also it helps to have someone close, a very good friend to be open and just allow feelings/emotions to roll, this is not always easy as in my life friends (who thought were) most have walked away, but do still have a very good support with a male friend about it all.

    You mentioned a support group, I have had mainly 1-1 therapy but I went to a support group for survivors of child absue and was one of the weirdest and damaging places I have gone to. All most women wanted to talk about was what they had done that day etc and me and another lady wanted to discuss the abuse, but seemed noone wanted to hear it, in the end we both got told to leave the group cos we were 'upsetting' the others!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    if you cant talk about abuse at a abuse survivors group well where the hell can you? I dont know where you live, I am in UK and any help is few and far between but that experience really made me cross and angry, I didn't see the point of that group one little bit.

    I am here if you would like to talk/share anytime, either on posts or through private messages. i understand people just assume we are ok even if they can see we are not, its THEIR way of coping, they are unable to cope otherwise if they acknowledge we are suffering, but how the hell are WE supposed to cope, only so much false smiles and appearing 'normal'............about time people reached out and helped more, but far too many people dont want to even think about it, least help someone.

    I think if you are seeing a counsellor and working on stuff you will get very intense, not to put you off but the last therapy I had sent me round the twist completely and I had a breakdown. Not sleeping doesn't help no, I've not slept properly since age 6 (when abuse began) I am now 38, nothing seems to help this sadly, have tried everything going. Please do feel free to share, sadly I know alot about flashbacks, abuse etc. Take care of yourself.
  3. canisarcticus

    canisarcticus New Member

    Thank you for your response. You are actually the first person I have ever spoken to with similar experiences. I am from the US. It is so nice to know someone else out there understands! I have not even said the words out loud yet and not sure I ever will. The memories are distant and come back in choppy pieces and there is only one flashback which is without visuals. Pretty awful. Nearly knocked me on the floor while walking down a hallway at work. All I can do is put on headphones and hope nobody wants to talk to me. I can only fake it for ten minutes.
    have you ever tried CPT? My therapist and I are working through that intense and difficult and I am constantly suicidal and having a hard time sharing that with her.
    Thanks again for responding. I would like to hear more about your experiences. I don't know how to do private messaging but feel free to send me one and I will figure it out.
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