Memories...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mentalhealthnurse, Aug 15, 2016.

  1. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    When I was younger and felt low or down or sad. I used to gain such peace from reading for hours on end. I loved to read Roald Dahl books and even now as an adult I read them to my children, or for myself for pleasure. The world was much less complicated then. I had a nice life and a stable upbringing, my parents weren't perfect as they had both had pretty crap childhoods of poverty and violence and alcoholic parents. But I always admired how they worked together to break the cycle of misery in order to give my sisters and I a good life.

    I often tell myself that the misery I experience now is due to the choices I have made. There's no-one to blame but me and as I was a single parent until 5 years ago I have not had the luxury of providing my children with a steady parentage and as a result my mothering skills have always been questionable. I worry so much that I am filling their lives with poor coping strategies and becoming a failure to my parents by reconnecting a broken circle. When I feel well I tell the stories from when I was young and I like to read to them and explain why the stories mean so much.

    I don't know what I am trying to say but I think we all try desperately to understand why we feel "depressed" or so low that we want to die. What if there is nothing you can identify but a series of life events that some people cope with and some don't. I used to be able to cope. I used to be strong and feisty. I used to be able to assert and explain myself. Now I can barely write the words I mean to say. My memory and memories feel like they are fading. My life energy is going. I really don't see it coming back. I don't see a better day for me. I think that I turned the wrong corner and now I am in purgatory awaiting my fate. Too many wrong decisions, too many things I should have done and too stubborn to regret. Some people are just not made to go all the way.

    I went to the cinema recently to see the BFG and I cried for the happy child I used to be and the failure I am as a mother, a wife and a human. I wanted so much from life and in the words of a former patient, after his beloved wife died at 98 from Parkinson's "life promises you everything and in the end gives you nothing".

    To end on a positive, what was your favourite childhood book?
     
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  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I always the loved horse stories by Walter Farley. "The Black" comes to mind. They made a pretty dang good movie out of it.
     
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  3. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    You sound like a wonderful mother and I found your post very touching. Life is life, and beyond that we play the game of 'good and bad', this part is acceptable and this part is unacceptable but the truth is that everything fits together perfectly. Try not to worry, you are doing it all perfectly, nobody else has lived the life that you've lived yet.

    I used to like to read Roald Dahl books aswell, lots of great stories! and I used to read Brian Jaques' books such as Mossflower, Redwall, Mattimeo. They were fantasy books with talking animals.
     
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  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Stig of the Dump was always a favourite as was Billy Liar. But I never read for enjoyment as a child, yet I can be voracious in my adult life. I used to read Roald Dahl stories to my son as well. he loved James and the Giant Peach. He just took the little one to see BFG as well and she loved it.

    Hindsight is indeed a most wonderful thing. It is pointless to keep looking back with regret thinking if only I did this or that. We did what we believed was right at the time and it is those decisions that make us who we are today. That strong fiesty person still exists, she just got lost somewhere along the way, but you will find her again. Its a perilous road we walk, but its a journey we have to make. Live may not give us anything, but we take from it anyway.

    Right now, you and me are just participants in a bad chapter of our life story. But we cant lose sight of the good chapters that we wrote earlier and you hint at those above. Those times will return one day. I have to believe in that or I cannot continue.
     
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