Memory

Discussion in 'Loved and Lost' started by Isa, Jan 12, 2006.

  1. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    Okay firstly let me explain, for some reason whenever I write something I spend ages getting the font right first, I dont know why but thats why its bold and whatever.

    okay.

    I know this doesn't belong here, but I want to talk about it.

    As a little girl I had two sisters, Jemma and Laura, and a mum and a dad. My sister Laura was 2 years older than me and Jemma was 4 years older. My sister Laura was very very disabled. She was so sick that all the symptoms from all the different things she had meant the doctors couldnt work out what was wrong with her.

    I loved Laura, we were best friends. I spent all my time with her, even though I was very young.

    My earliest memory is when I was 5 and she died when I was 7. So I dont understand how I fell so entirely apart when now I only have scattered memories of 2 years.. have I used my sisters death as an excuse for attention and sympathy?

    I doubt everything I think about her, right now Im listening to the song they played at her funeral ((John Martyn - May you never)) and crying because I miss her so much... 11 years on... she was so perfect and tiny and innocent. She had the softest skin and hair and I can still smell her.

    I remember the way she laughed but I know most of the time she cried from the pain, I remember all sorts of little things...

    My dad and my other sister Jemma now hate me because they think Ive used Lauras death as a reason to get ''all depressed''. Jemma told me only a few days ago that Ive made a martyr out of her, and a few years ago my dad gave me some of the bandages they used on laura to hold her down when she slept so she wouldnt hurt herself and told me to remember that his pain was much worse than mine.

    Am i an attention seeker? I refer to her as the other half of my soul, more than that, almost all of me, im not even half a person since shes been gone. I talk to her and ask her opinion on things via a star and shes always right...

    I remember holding her in my arms as she cried the night she died, i remember the eastenders theme tune, the rocking horse, the hospital beds, the 'my little pony princess' she was cremated with...

    Oh god

    Im sorry cos i know this isnt the right place for this because she didnt kill herself but i dont know what to think any more.


    I even wrote a song about her (click here to download it) .. im so pathetic


     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2006
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Calisse, you are NOT an attention seeker. A LOT of memories are from childhood, and you can never forget them. Because even though it may have been a long time ago, you will never forget those great times you had with you're sister.

    :hug:
    thedeafmusician

    PS you have a very nice voice
     
  3. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    my sister (jemma) has moved out now. i hope she doesnt come back </3
     
  4. lycan

    lycan New Member

    Don't We All (My First Post... scary... )
     
  5. Convergence

    Convergence Guest

    I'm sorrry to hear your loss. I can't really relate to having a tragedy like that, but trust me, your not an attention seeker. And the loss is only prt of your depression, I think there are alot of things in your life that play a part as well. So I don't think people can say that's the ONLY reason your depressed. Don't misunderstand, I'm sure you are very depressed over it, but I don't think you should be blamed.

    I noticed that you went into to great detail on the last moments of her life. I'm sure she loved you very much. You will make it through, and push forward for her, I'm sure she would want that.

    Your song was beatufil and well sang, I'm sure if she was here today, she would be proud and happy to be your sister.
     
  6. invader chris

    invader chris New Member

    I bet they say stuff like that out of anger at her death, and don't really mean to hurt you.

    That's my "look for the good in people" response.

    However, some people just suck.
     
  7. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    this is the sister who brought the guy who sexually abused me for a year to help
    her move out

    brought her into my house

    didnt warn me

    totally fucked up everything i tried so hard to forget

    and whats worse?she did it on purpose/
     
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    you are not in any way an attention seeker at all. you loved your sister very much and i admire you for that. i never had that love or connection with my brothers. i could not here the song but i bet it is beautiful
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Calisse, losing someone you love like that does impact your life forever. It may be a part of your depression but I think the trauma of abuse is probably the bigger part of it. You are not an attention seeker. You truly do feel the way you do. Don't let your family members belittle your feelings. They are valid. Take care hun, and i am glad you are back. :hug:
     
  10. petulant

    petulant Member

    She's your sister.Of course you miss her. That doesnt make you an attention seeker at all. So sorry about everything. My husband died and I miss him. Does that make me an attention seeker? Your other sister is a weenie.
    (I really wish we had a weenie icon here. A hotdog, I mean).
     
  11. karenae

    karenae Guest

    poetry thread.
     
  12. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    wtf??????