Men. I just can't figure them out

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by mdmefontaine, Mar 1, 2012.

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  1. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    Ok. I haven't been here, in a long while. I come here often to check messages and wall stalks, and to check on a few friends.

    Haven't started a thread other than a Happy Birthday thread in a long while, haha.

    I'm at the end of my rope, though, frustration-wise. There's this guy. We were good friends. I haven't been in a relationship in more than 2 years. That was long-distance, and though he was awesome, there seemed to be no future, no way to move forward.

    Work at that point got overwhelming, and has remained so. I've since decided I don't want any more relationships. I'm done. I don't want to give up my sex life, however. It was some time, after my last relationship, until I found a FWB. It worked fine, but of course I developed feelings and months later, he decided to reconcile with his former relationship, and he ended it with me. I stayed alone. A long time. FWB came back (of course) and that was sporadic, but it was working for me. I was ok, with great sex, no relationship, but I still had feelings.

    Enter, AV guy at work. *sigh* Interestingly, he entered the picture at the same time the "FWB" dumped me. Just randomly started talking to me on work IM. We really hit it off. Thing is, he's not a player (like my FWB.....who was totally, a player). This guy is almost too squeaky clean on the outside. And of course, he's unavailable. (story of my life)
    Big attraction ensues. Fast forward.....feeling guilt, he ''dumps'' me, abandons our friendship (though nothing ever happened, just talking) and months later, he appears again, on work IM. Telling me he's tired of talking fake with me and avoiding me.....he still wants me. It's still wrong, he's still unavailable....but he'd rather be my friend and want me, than not be my friend, and still want me. Ok. I had moved on, but the attraction was still there. I admitted to him, just that. Things escalated and a few months later, we were finally together. He just didn't talk to me, at all, after.....gradually he did, days later, then it escalated again, we were together again. It was great.....he rebounded more quickly the 2nd time. It was, due to schedules and his complications.....again, weeks before we were together....and just last Saturday, the timing worked out.

    It was better than ever......just getting to the point we are feeling comfortable and getting to know each other physically........and ......yeah.....since.....hardly anything. Really? Sure, I got a token email, that night, and Sunday......he didn't reply to any of my replies. And......since then he's ducked and dodged our encounter (which went really really was obvious he enjoyed it) he's talked DAILY on work IM......and a few sporadic emails....but he isn't talking to me after work, via email. (I have thousands of emails, from him, since we started talking again in September 2011) Then after this last time, nothing.

    Seriously......I'm totally down with it, if he wants to chill. Stop contact. But....could he not just honor me with an explanation (even a lie.....fuck, anything!) Just a word of why. I know he's unavailable......I also know we didn't have any type of expectations between us. but he's masquerading as a friend at work each day......(he knows I'd work with him, drama free.......regardless even if I hated him, so that's not the issue) AAARGGGH. I just hate this dancing around. He really wants to talk to me, communicate with me, and sure, he's horny. Then we have a great time, . . . . and he goes AWOL.

    I feel like such an idiot. . . . . for even caring. UGH.

    Sorry for the long post/rant. I don't expect any replies....I just thank you for allowing me to speak freely here. I have a couple of good friends I greatly over-use in ranting. I just needed a place to speak freely and not have to hold anything back. Thank you for that, SF.
  2. Tealc

    Tealc Banned Member

    wow hun, no posts for ages then you come up with this doozy lol

    ok, this sounds really complicated for you and i can understand how your feeling with this, well plain and simple us men are complicated but even more so when our attention is divided between 2 women, which if i get the gist the new guy is, hmmm, i could say shit loads but as a friend you have to put yourself first no matter what maybe there or not.
    pm me if you need to talk or rant hun, you KNOW i am here for you.
  3. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    They aren't complicated. You just complicate them by throwing yourself at them and accepting just being their cum receptacle on the side when they aren't available for you to be number one - and you're wondering why they don't respect you and treat you like the priority in their life. You have to go about pursuing men much differently if you want someone who's going to be a good companion, otherwise you're just setting yourself up to be played. Or perhaps learn to control your sexual urges. You can't blame men for treating you like nothing but a sexual toy when that's all you present yourself to be. Not complicated too much at all, it's quite simple to understand really. Look at the pattern.
  4. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    ^PB that was harsh!

    Anyways, as a guy who has wanted sex a few times in my life, I can say that if he's not willing to commit, then he's also going to have some pretty mixed feelings and that's going to lead to some potential not-so-nice actions.

    Because for all of the time spent convincing both you and himself that he cares for you in some way, he's actually just looking for a convenient lay, and if you're willing to give it to him whenever, then he's going to do as much as he can to keep that going, including bringing it right to the verge of a commitment. If he has principles, he'll be honest with you but probably still make you feel like it could be going somewhere else. If he doesn't, he'll just lie to you about everything.

    But even through all of that work (and yeah, it's work-- doing all of that stuff just to get laid could hardly be called 'fun', but it's necessary… for me at least), there are also going to be times when he's not so horny and asks himself what he's doing in that kind of relationship and end up frustrated with himself AND you, because you shouldn't be in that kind of relationship either. This is when he will end up doing things that will probably hurt your feelings.

    Most people in the world do not actively want FWB if they could potentially have something more substantial, and in many ways the FWB situation sort of makes you feel both less available and less worthy of something more substantial… and the thing about FWB is that it's usually something that lonely people enter into out of desperation, with the hopes that it will provide enough of a 'boost' to maybe find something more substantial later on.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I do not think intimacy issues are gender-specific, but I do think men and women handle them differently...wish we could talk more explicitedly to ppl and ask why are doing what they are doing! Would definitely end some of the drama
  6. detest

    detest Banned Member

    Maybe if you stopped generalising men, then they would stop passing you by.
  7. Tealc

    Tealc Banned Member

    mdmefontaine has done nothing wrong here, she has decided all she wants / needs is just a casual sex life, that's it !

    why do we see a man who does this as something special but when a woman does it then it's wrong, ok there is something wrong here that i have said in private but to be so harsh as pb was is a bit much .

    are we not all here to SUPPORT eachother, right or wrong ?
  8. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I didn't mean it offensively, sorry. But I meant exactly what I said because it's the truth. I'm not about to tell her that these men are all dogs like she wants to hear, because she threw herself at them to be used like a bone, correct? Especially when these men were already in relationships.

    I hope you'll learn to treat yourself better than this, save your sexual urges for someone who actually cares about you, and in the meantime use some sex toys or something else to stimulate your senses instead of degrading yourself like this. It might be helpful to take a long break from it all to reflect.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2012
  9. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    Eh no one is slut shaming the op for wanting a good sex life.

    However its a tad bit silly for her to constantly hook up with men who are currently involved with other women or have made it clear they have no intentions of being in a long term relationship, only then to cry all men are bastards when they get bored with her.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2012
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    Thanks for everyone who posted on my thread. I really wanted to vent, to rant. But I knew I was opening myself up to honest opinions. To make sure 11112222 understands my story, my 'guy' is not bored with me. He is bored, with his woman. Not with me.

    That said, I accept any of your inclinations to label me as a slut, easy, pathetic, go for it.

    This is not someone I chased after. Quite the opposite.

    Then, that may sound as if I'm trying to justify. I'm woman enough to take the brunt of it, on my own shoulders. So, based on most of your opinions I'm a pathetic weak slut who just cries that I hate men and they're all bastards when they're ''done'' with me.

    Ok, that's me. Label me as that if you want. You really don't know me at all.

    Still, I shared my story here, I opened myself up. I never said I was a virtuous woman. I am however, a human being.
  11. lycoris

    lycoris Well-Known Member

    Sorry i didn't see that post as i posted mine, I don't think people were trying to be mean, they were just taking the information given and trying to advise from there. It's fair enough that you didn't like the advice but in some ways it does apply. Even if people chase after you, think about it and decide if that person is really worth your time. Clearly you've landed the wrong men, how this happens is nobody's business but yours, but you need to maybe raise your standards with men. Make sure they are going to want you for you and not what they think they can get. It's not nice to feel like you do now, what can you do to avoid that feeling.

    This is what i said before editing, if any of it applies then good, if not, ignore it;

    this is meant to be nice.. take it as you will..

    you are taking the wrong kind of men, get involved with men who are single, interested etc. If you keep getting involved with men you know aren't interested in a relationship you will just get hurt again and again. You're setting yourself up for failure.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2012
  12. Tealc

    Tealc Banned Member

    hey hun, i don't think anyone was meaning to be harsh, maybe just saying it like it is to help you see what's what, but please don't think so badly of yourself.
    i for one know your not a slut or easy so never label yourself like that.
    yes you made an error in judgement and allowed yourself to be taken in, your not the first and won't be the last, i've been a victim too but we learn from our mistakes, adapt and adjust our thinking and move on to better things, hopefully lol

    take care
  13. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    Thanks for all your replies.

    I appreciate the support here. I did post limited information, but even if all of you knew the complete story, I'd doubt if any of your responses would change.

    I really need to be more careful about whom I'm attracted to and who I choose to pursue. Just because someone 'unavailable' pursues me, doesn't mean I have to respond to that call.

    Thanks, everyone, for your insights. Thanks, Tealc for being a good friend. Good friends are bloody rare.
  14. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Okay, people really need to learn to be nicer on this forum. Seriously. And it pisses me off that none of the mods do anything about it. I don't think it's okay to call someone a "cum receptacle".

    I agree with the general idea of "you should have known what you were getting into", but they should definitely have said it in a nicer way. You said you WANTED friends with benefits, though. Friends with benefits does mean that they will be detached from you emotionally and probably not prioritize you or your feelings as first in their lives. If you want to be emotionally detached from them while having sex, then I am not sure why you are upset. If that's not what you really want, though, then you shouldn't get involved with men who are unavailable or are unwilling to emotionally commit. So, I think the question is, do you really want FWB's, or do you want a loving, caring relationship? But regardless of what you want, I don't think that makes you a slut, by any means.
  15. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Casual sex is all good if there are no strings attached for either sex.
  16. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey "S", Boy was I surprised to see the replies you got.. Sorry I didn't see this sooner..I think they all missed the point.. You know longer want a relationship but you do want occasional sex..So friends with benefits is about the best way to go about that..I'm sorry you got slammed on here when peeps are suppose to be supportive..You and me have been friends a long time and I love you accordingly..Big Hugs, Joseph
  17. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    Thanks Stranger1, and thanks to everyone who replied.

    I posted here, honestly, because not many people know me here, anymore. It felt safe.

    I really appreciate all your replies.

    I'm not happy with my choices of unavailable partners. And as one poster stated, if I go into a situation wanting a WFB, then who am I to then change things up and want more than a FWB?

    Indeed, why the hell?

    Truth is, I don't (didn't, won't ever.....etc) I really don't want a relationship, but honestly I do want a FWB situation that lasts for awhile. Clearly I need to find an unattached man to have this FWB with. I really appreciate SF as a forum to allow me to vent, and I really appreciate all responses. I especially appreciate my dear friends.
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