mental clutter

My indecisive nature is even worse today. I do not know exactly where I stand and the frustration increasingly fluctuates, whereas I like to know exactly what is what. The problem or difficulty within has me wondering how to react to the aftermath of depression's peak, and I need to search my heart, realize it was not failure , and do my best to forgive. As I feel the frustration brewing, I take a deep breath, and another, and another... I'm trying to stay flexible in body and mind - so out for an earlier morning walk.
I am prone to emotional intensity and I can't let that determine whether or not I execute my plan on reserve. I am not ready to dismantle or exchange it though, for anyone sake but my own. I should have been more reserved in what I have told others. He seemed to have always found me and I found me safe...I can still hear his voice that I can't get out of my head --I know he was only doing his job. I have emotional detachment disorder. Facing my feelings squarely is difficult because I need to admit vulnerability and acknowledge pain. I cut, it's better then. Always trying to see myself through another's eyes but I think I manipulate the view through my own eyes. I see me different than everyone else I think. I expect more. There is always something more. But I can never find it.

After so many words, still nothing is heard.
Was he listening or just an obsession in my mind?
I hear him in my sleep; I feel his voice
Will you walk with me?
For I trust you relentlessly.
But you said nothing.
Nothing at all.
All the time you knew though
I tried to do the right thing.
Tried to find my way.
And no matter how hard I tried
It's as if you said nothing
Nothing at all
Did you lie? Or did I selfishly believe?
Again you said nothing
Nothing at all.
So then free me - let me go!
And with a heartfelt smile
You said they had a right to take me..
And I replied,
"And so do I, so do I"

 

Hi NightFall...'mental clutter', what a poignant title...I have had that, when it seems like the chorus in my head will not stop chattering and I have no idea where my truer self is...not wanting to decide because that would be a commitment, and I was so commitment-phobic...and living a secret life which others thought was so much more fulfilling than it was...I hope you can sort this out and yes, put the stuff away and talk to us

 

I too can relate to your words please stay safe ok stay here where you will have support and understanding

 

Pause for thought - critical standpoint of mind vs emotion
I'm standing in the middle of crossroads, my eyes wide; it's not over yet. Fear, anger, hurt, peace and joy; each road with elements of risk. In between my hands, I hold silence. A silence conflicting with feelings in my heart, alternating between states of longing and states of fury. It is leaving no room within myself for logic and superficial politeness, luring me toward crisis and conflict. Indescribable feelings that numb my soul. Giving what I take, and taking what I give, and playing them on my darkest fears. The anxiety of choice, is somehow mine.
Intuition tells me to keep looking for new horizons in which to shine, but somehow, each breath becomes more difficult. I've had a glimpse at the enemy and I won't look back. I am moving amid the darkness from one phase into another. Some light is being shed on one issue, my reflection clear, but I am still lost. Imagination will grant me the advantage of a peaceful existence if I can surrender to the innocent love of "self". There is some contentment to be had in knowing that I am a vibrant and emotional soul.
Just as it seems the right path to be on, "Ego" rears its ugly head into the shadows of self-destruction, self-harm, self-loathing. I am starting to recognize these uncomfortable feelings, but no longer want to burden others with them. Even though I am afraid to show it, sensitivity is an integral part of my personality. And it is sensitivity that is making me fragile. Fear and shame are devious devices that take hold and deny me freedom. Sometimes so overwhelmed by feelings, emotion wants what seems right for the moment, regardless of risk. This fragility has made me vulnerable to intimidation and it is manifesting itself from within. It is dominating through menacing and belittling wisdom with an attitude in the grips of toxic emotion. I have been on the wait list for DBT therapy for some time and need to learn how to use all of this to stay aware of what I need, and not look away - as this is where disaster strikes. Its an internal maelstrom of thought. Life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not endure.

 

I should feel good about extracting from old habits. Times have been tough and I still imagine all sorts of unfortunate scenarios. I have to take a look at my situation from another angle and be honest with myself - I have to face my reality. I feel the tug of certain buried truths and it is wise to welcome them forth with a dedication to make myself whole. My emotions are running high and it would be a mistake for me to sit and think about things as I can become quickly disconnected.