• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Mental Deterioration Begun

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#1
It never ends does it? *facepalm

I got some really powerful tools for fighting off depression now and I think they are enough to win in ordinary circumstances, enough to counter what I see as the "grating in my mind" of the many mismatched cogs grinding against each other and causing endless problems, but these are extraordinary circumstances. I have no IRL friends left (I'm just bad at keeping them, I suck at social, all my friendships seem to fizzle out), I live alone during Covid, and the workplace I was using as a pillar of sorts for just the tiniest bit of social isn't really a social option anymore and is in fact more of a drain.

Deprived of social interaction the human mind will inevitably begin to fail and I can feel mine becoming less stable. My "tools" are still more than enough to hold it all together, I am actually bloody proud of myself for having such an effective self-care mental-toolkit, and certain realisations about the nature of myself and the world around me has helped somewhat, but no matter what, too great a degree of isolation is not sustainable, and my mind, at one point driven to distraction by boredom is beginning to turn to desperation.

There is no need to worry, as only a month ago I was in a far worse state that I am now, for years I would have intrusive thoughts of self-harm or suicide even when seemingly happy and healthy, I just ignored them and saw them as an unavoidable burden, and that's when I wasn't plunging headfirst into the latest bout of depression, but since a month ago (when I added my best tools to the toolkit) they still haven't returned, so as I see it, any mental and emotional stress I am suffering is a natural and healthy(ish) response to unpleasant times.

What I need right now, what will fix everything, is simply to get out, have some fun, and make some real friends. Not much of an ask under normal circumstances (maybe a little bit of one considering its me we are talking about) but at the moment it is a virtual impossibility. I do want to say that I am not discounting all the great people on here, I find you all a stabilizing influence and SF itself to be a calm place free from the madness of the so-called-normal, I would be happy to be friends with many of you, but being honest, as much as I know there is a person on the other side of this screen, there will always be a separation as long as all I am seeing is text on a screen, meaning the impact on my need for social interaction is minimal. There is something instinctual from seeing a human being and physical closeness, even if it is just helping carry a drunk friend home, which is irreplaceable to the human psyche.

One last question: Why is my life always a countdown to endgame? *wacko Even now its a countdown to mental breakdown, "which will end first, my sanity or lockdown". Anyway, this is little more than a pressure valve, venting some of my pent up frustration for being isolated so long, so pay it no mind and have a good day. *thumbsup
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
with vaccines rolling out covid crises will be solved soon. hopefully things will be close to normal in a few more months. my state is drastically reducing new cases. can't you meet at a house and stay on the lawn or go to the park with a friend. of course you have to practice safety.

and i understand being socially awkward, always worried that we might say the wrong thing. i am always anxious talking to people i don't know. the only exception is talking about my car or antique cars in general. so try to find friends that share some of your interests.

mike...*hug*shake
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#3
The current rules dont allow you to meet more than 1 person outdoors in a public place with distance between you (i think.. they keep changing it) and I have to be careful because the Kent variant is nasty, and my over 65 yo dad got the Astrazeneca vaccine, so he is already down to about 60% effectiveness if IM being generous (its supposedly way less effective in over 65s), and the Kent variant should halve that again... so I still have to shield for him until numbers go WAY down.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#4
The current rules dont allow you to meet more than 1 person outdoors in a public place with distance between you (i think.. they keep changing it) and I have to be careful because the Kent variant is nasty, and my over 65 yo dad got the Astrazeneca vaccine, so he is already down to about 60% effectiveness if IM being generous (its supposedly way less effective in over 65s), and the Kent variant should halve that again... so I still have to shield for him until numbers go WAY down.
*hug*shake
 

Ivy100

SF Supporter
#5
I feel a lot like you Dante. I know I should be gateful for a roof over my head and an income, but the isolation is painful and grinding me down physically, and every other way.
 

Ivy100

SF Supporter
#9
Are you doing better today? I hope so- sometimes I think of despair as something that washes over you like a wave in the ocean- if it doesn't pull you down it passes
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#10
Are you doing better today? I hope so- sometimes I think of despair as something that washes over you like a wave in the ocean- if it doesn't pull you down it passes
Its not so much that I'm doing badly, but that its getting steadily more difficult to be doing well? If that makes sense.
 

Ivy100

SF Supporter
#11
It makes a lot of sense. It is so very hard these days to know if the tug of pessimism or despair comes from within or from the very strange way we have been living for so many months.
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#12
It makes a lot of sense. It is so very hard these days to know if the tug of pessimism or despair comes from within or from the very strange way we have been living for so many months.
The test is to go out and meet someone, share a joke, chat for 5 minutes or so, and then leave. If that made your MONTH, then it is probably the isolation thats getting to you. (voice of experience)
 

Ivy100

SF Supporter
#13
Good idea. But then what can you do? Isolation is painful. I know how fortunate I am to have a place to live and some income but I am still so envious of people who have partners - who are not alone.
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#14
Good idea. But then what can you do? Isolation is painful. I know how fortunate I am to have a place to live and some income but I am still so envious of people who have partners - who are not alone.
Knowing the cause of something gives you serious power over it. If you are getting depressed and going crazy from isolation, if you KNOW for sure it is just isolation you can put it into context. The world isnt such a dark place, I am not a failure or someone to be ashamed of, things arent so bad, I am just insanely lonely from isolation, isolation that wont last forever, all I need to do is hold on until this is over.

It doesnt make you IMMUNE to it, but it does help a lot.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$0.00
Goal
$255.00
Top