It never ends does it?
I got some really powerful tools for fighting off depression now and I think they are enough to win in ordinary circumstances, enough to counter what I see as the "grating in my mind" of the many mismatched cogs grinding against each other and causing endless problems, but these are extraordinary circumstances. I have no IRL friends left (I'm just bad at keeping them, I suck at social, all my friendships seem to fizzle out), I live alone during Covid, and the workplace I was using as a pillar of sorts for just the tiniest bit of social isn't really a social option anymore and is in fact more of a drain.
Deprived of social interaction the human mind will inevitably begin to fail and I can feel mine becoming less stable. My "tools" are still more than enough to hold it all together, I am actually bloody proud of myself for having such an effective self-care mental-toolkit, and certain realisations about the nature of myself and the world around me has helped somewhat, but no matter what, too great a degree of isolation is not sustainable, and my mind, at one point driven to distraction by boredom is beginning to turn to desperation.
There is no need to worry, as only a month ago I was in a far worse state that I am now, for years I would have intrusive thoughts of self-harm or suicide even when seemingly happy and healthy, I just ignored them and saw them as an unavoidable burden, and that's when I wasn't plunging headfirst into the latest bout of depression, but since a month ago (when I added my best tools to the toolkit) they still haven't returned, so as I see it, any mental and emotional stress I am suffering is a natural and healthy(ish) response to unpleasant times.
What I need right now, what will fix everything, is simply to get out, have some fun, and make some real friends. Not much of an ask under normal circumstances (maybe a little bit of one considering its me we are talking about) but at the moment it is a virtual impossibility. I do want to say that I am not discounting all the great people on here, I find you all a stabilizing influence and SF itself to be a calm place free from the madness of the so-called-normal, I would be happy to be friends with many of you, but being honest, as much as I know there is a person on the other side of this screen, there will always be a separation as long as all I am seeing is text on a screen, meaning the impact on my need for social interaction is minimal. There is something instinctual from seeing a human being and physical closeness, even if it is just helping carry a drunk friend home, which is irreplaceable to the human psyche.
One last question: Why is my life always a countdown to endgame? Even now its a countdown to mental breakdown, "which will end first, my sanity or lockdown". Anyway, this is little more than a pressure valve, venting some of my pent up frustration for being isolated so long, so pay it no mind and have a good day.
I got some really powerful tools for fighting off depression now and I think they are enough to win in ordinary circumstances, enough to counter what I see as the "grating in my mind" of the many mismatched cogs grinding against each other and causing endless problems, but these are extraordinary circumstances. I have no IRL friends left (I'm just bad at keeping them, I suck at social, all my friendships seem to fizzle out), I live alone during Covid, and the workplace I was using as a pillar of sorts for just the tiniest bit of social isn't really a social option anymore and is in fact more of a drain.
Deprived of social interaction the human mind will inevitably begin to fail and I can feel mine becoming less stable. My "tools" are still more than enough to hold it all together, I am actually bloody proud of myself for having such an effective self-care mental-toolkit, and certain realisations about the nature of myself and the world around me has helped somewhat, but no matter what, too great a degree of isolation is not sustainable, and my mind, at one point driven to distraction by boredom is beginning to turn to desperation.
There is no need to worry, as only a month ago I was in a far worse state that I am now, for years I would have intrusive thoughts of self-harm or suicide even when seemingly happy and healthy, I just ignored them and saw them as an unavoidable burden, and that's when I wasn't plunging headfirst into the latest bout of depression, but since a month ago (when I added my best tools to the toolkit) they still haven't returned, so as I see it, any mental and emotional stress I am suffering is a natural and healthy(ish) response to unpleasant times.
What I need right now, what will fix everything, is simply to get out, have some fun, and make some real friends. Not much of an ask under normal circumstances (maybe a little bit of one considering its me we are talking about) but at the moment it is a virtual impossibility. I do want to say that I am not discounting all the great people on here, I find you all a stabilizing influence and SF itself to be a calm place free from the madness of the so-called-normal, I would be happy to be friends with many of you, but being honest, as much as I know there is a person on the other side of this screen, there will always be a separation as long as all I am seeing is text on a screen, meaning the impact on my need for social interaction is minimal. There is something instinctual from seeing a human being and physical closeness, even if it is just helping carry a drunk friend home, which is irreplaceable to the human psyche.
One last question: Why is my life always a countdown to endgame? Even now its a countdown to mental breakdown, "which will end first, my sanity or lockdown". Anyway, this is little more than a pressure valve, venting some of my pent up frustration for being isolated so long, so pay it no mind and have a good day.