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Mental illness sucks!! =(

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Leiaha, Oct 7, 2009.

  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Not been here for a while, guess i'm back for one night only.
    For the last 6 weeks or so, things have been getting steadily worse again, one thing after another falling apart :cry:
    When I say I will soon have nothing left, It is no lie. Nor is it just the way I see things just now, it is scarily real. :unsure:
    I have been contemplating suicide on and off for years now, I have even had a few failed attempts. Tonight I found myself booking a hotel room for tomorrow morning with the intent of killing myself where nobody will know who I am. It scares me that I will do this tomorrow but, I don't think I have a choice in the matter anymore :cry: I leave here at 10am, arrive at 12:30, book in at 13:30.

    I wish it could be different :(
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    What happened?

  3. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I could go on forever here about the whys and wherefors :( My son-in-law keeps making disparaging remarks to me, he really thinks he's funny. Maybe he is because everybody except me laughs. My daughter defends him by saying he is only joking. I tried to explain to them that his remarks are very demoralising....... they hurt, i was told not to be soft! They stopped talking to me at all a few weeks ago...... I still don't know why. I have asked repeatedly but I get no reply.
    I am disabled and have trouble most days of doing the most basic things. My local housing officer is harrassing me about my garden being overgrown. She called a few weeks ago, I find her very intimidating. She hammered on my door, I looked out of my window, saw who it was and went headlong into a fullblown panic attack. While i was lay on the floor she went to the rear of my property and stated hammering on my kitchen back door and shouting through the open window whch, quite frankly terrified me and made matters worse. Then she returned to the front and carried on hammering on the door and window for a futher half hour, all the time shouting through the letterbox.
    I have explained to her before how her actions affect me, she has just got worse since I did. I told her I have depression, suicidal thoights, anxiety, agraphobia etc.
    My extended family (mother, siblings etc) are causing trouble.
    My new neighbour is causing problems because her friend wants my house apparently!
    My treasured cat disappeared last week, I feel like I have lost a limb :cry:
    My psychologist who I trusted wholeheartedly (unknown for me to trust anyone at all) left and was replaced by one who makes me feel like I am a worthless piece of crap. Now I have no support at all except my son who lives miles away.
    There are many more things also. Tonight my youngest daughter aged 18, told me to F++k off and die because I had no money to give her. During the last 4 months she has stolen £465 from my bank account :cry:
    I mean nothing to anyone who means the world to me! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE. I am in total meltdown :cry:
  4. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hey Leiaha,

    If you're following your plan you'll be on the way to the hotel by now. I'm just hoping that you'll log in and have another look here before you do anything.

    What's been happening to you would push anyone over the edge - all sorts of really bad things happening ALL AT ONCE. It really is possible to get a handle on it all though, if you can sort them one at a time - and for that talking to someone here is a pretty good start.

    And I can't help thinking what happens when your pussycat comes back and you're not there!

    Please post some more.

  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I lost count of the times my daughter said awful things to me because I don't have money. As much as I tried to cope to stay on top of it, it always crushed my heart. It took years of her being on her own without much money to come to understand my position. Many times I had to hang up the phone.

    I am very concerned about the landlord's actions. Is there legal action you can take for that? That was totally uncalled for.

    Thank you for posting about the things that are hurting you so bad. Please keep posting because we're here to listen to each other and keep our perspective in the overwhelming world we live in.

  6. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I am in my hotel room =( My mobile 'phones are turned off cos i dont want to talk to anyone.
    I cancelled my psychologist and my dentist appointments for tomorrow. I know it is all of my own making and, i dont regret doing it but, I feel so alone tonight. :cry:
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello Leiaha,

    I am so glad you've posted! Please talk to me - you don't need to feel alone, tell me how you are, what you are doing, what you are thinking.

  8. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend


    Please post...I don't know how you have coped this far! Such strength. Of coarse it is scary to feel so alone and hurt...

    Hang on - just a little longer. I once went over the top and checked myself in to a hotel with similar intentions; it actually helped when I decided to use to time to sort out my thoughts without interruption from the negative influences, rather than end them permanently. Please be kind to yourself, and safe.

    You have a lot to offer, you helped me when I needed it - please let us know how you are.
  9. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I am still here in my hotel room. I have given myself until Sunday, my birthday, to make sure I still want this. To make sure I am doing the right thing :cry:
    I haven't eaten since I got here. I haven't leftmy room except to pay for a few more days. Because I haven't eaten, I haven't been able to take my insulin either. This is making me feel even more unwell than usual, and very confused.
    The police know where I am because they have traced my mobile, they just don't know which hotel i'm in. A police negotiator keeps calling me. so does a Psychiatrist from the local hospital and my own psychologist. The police have told my family not to call me, toleave it to them.
    I have to leave here, move on to somewhere else and turn my mobile off. I'm scared Iwon't get very far though :cry: I am soooooo scared right now and very panicky and anxious. I wish it was all over already :cry:
  10. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    If you're still there, make sure to eat and take your insulin. It gives you poor judgement. Just because you need chemicals to feel normal, it doesn't matter. Everyone needs chemicals to feel normal. Many have it naturally supplied to them, but some have to get it from an external source. its no big deal. I'd talk to your psychiatrist and find a combination of medicines that work. My friend killed himself, and it sucks now. Like, I wanna call him up on the phone, but I can't, because his chemically preserved body is 6 feet under ground inside of a weather proofed box. Several months ago, I was at a COB and Lamb of God concert, two bands he really liked, and I wanted him to be there. I also wanted to go to see the new Punisher movie with him, because he was a really huge fan of the comic, but I couldn't. I also wanted to share another rant against society with him, because he was one of the few people that got me in those terms, but he's dead now, and it just sucks.
  11. fweeps

    fweeps Staff Alumni

    Leiaha, i remember when you were always here or in chat and i remember all the support you always gave me. There were times i didnt think id make it but your words pulled me through. I understand your struggle and I want you to know that you can make it through this. My best friend too killed herself almost a year ago now and i have the rare oppurtunity to know how it feels when someone you love takes their own life and how life can seem so unbearable that killing yourself seems like the only option...if you come here again i want you to check your private messages...hopefully from there i can offer more hope.

    :love: fweep...aka maria
  12. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Please stay with us and try and stay strong. I tried to kill myself a few years ago, when things seemed unbearable but when I look back now and think of all the great things I would have missed it makes me grateful to be alive. Your daughter is so young, she will turn a corner in a few years and thats when your relationship will bloom. I said horrible horrible things to my Mum durning my teen years and I feel terrible about it but now we are so close, I dont know what id do without here. She will need her Mum more than anyone in the world in a few years.

    Things can only get better. Hold onto the small silly things, the insignificant things and try to block out the crappy stuff.

    Please hang in there. x
  13. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm still here, It's my birthday today.
    Thanks everyone for your kind words, I'm taking everything into consideration whilst making my decision.
    I spoke to the psychiatrist from the local hospital last night. I finally answered my mobile instead of just texting. Still not spoken to the negotiator or my own psychologist, probably won't either :unsure:

    Lea x x x :Leiaha:
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Happy Birthday Sis!! Please make the right choice... We don't want anything to happen to you..I know we haven't talked in a while because I haven't seen you on the forum..Keep the communication open with your phsycologist.. You need to go back in the hospital where you know you will be safe from yourself..You mean so much to us!! Remember how proud you were when you finished redecorating your flat?? If you have to move think of it as a challenge..It sounds like moving isn't such a bad thing if you are afraid of your landlady..You don't have to be treated like that.. Please stay with us and we will be here for you..Love You, Your Bro
  15. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I'm home having failed to carry out my convictions again. Yet another failure in my life :(

    Decisions about what to do with me will be made in the morning apparently, whatever, I can't be bothered with it all. For now I'm too tired to think!
    Thanks for the support and the birthday wishes everyone :grouphug:
  16. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello Leiaha,

    I think you've just had a very big success! I'm so pleased you didn't go through with it, and so glad to see your post.

    Please let us know how things go - you might be in for a tough time ahead, we are here.

  17. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank G-d you didn't go thru with it! You survived, that takes courage.

    You have so much to give - please let yourself get the help you need and know there are a lot of people who care!