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Mental illness..

Livelife

SF Supporter
#1
This is not a pleasant read.
This is probably the end of my usual amount of time on this site. I want to voice my state of mind somewhere in this world and this is the ONLY place where people have any idea that I am drowning. So I'm grateful to have a voice to express here. I am finally going to name what I've deteriorated into as including mental illness. I just want to share all this one time.
I know this site is for depression but there's nowhere else I can voice the idiocy in my mind and for some reason it feels like a necessary thing for me by me to do.
I wake in the morning dejected that I have and dread existing through each long hour of the day until I can disappear into fitful sleep again. Even peaceful deep sleep is elusive.
The short moments of connection I make socially out there with people I've known for years at the places where I go and where I do business in person.. don't lighten me even momentarily any longer. It has always been my nature to make eye contact, engage, make connection with most anyone I meet, even the counter person at the drug store. To actually acknowledge whoever was in my space. Not a much needed aspect of life in today's world.
Now I don't feel much of anything except my own intolerable discomfort being in a body and I am sadly aware that I am losing my ability to be present for others. If an emergency were to occur in my field of vision I'd still jump in without hesitation...it's ingrained behavior and knowledge and desire and was definitely one of my assets when I was a practicing nurse.
I'm losing my mind. I used to have an excellent memory, vocabulary and ability to express. A curiosity for life. A love for reading and learning, for yoga and meditation, adventure. Now I stumble over my words with others if more than a few minutes....I know it's not aphasia or dementia, it feels like loss of social skills and anxiety that comes from having to engage. It's energetic work to show up with others and hide my reality.
If it weren't for the dogs I know I wouldn't be here. There's no point. The worst thing in this life is to be alone. I have no family. Close friends have died. The friends I still have live out of state and we text each other occasionally and they call on occasion. If they call I listen to them and respond to their sharing. There is nothing to contribute from my end. They have no idea of what I have deteriorated to. ...after knowing me for decades I'm certain they are aware of change but there is no point in divulging this to them.

.....I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with epilepsy. I had two friends that knew and they are no longer here. I tried the meds for a year. They altered my behavior. Side effects of anger and reactivity, which they are known for were prominent in me and unacceptable. I have partial seizures which mean in my case that they last for a few seconds, I do not lose awareness and do not have physical manifestations such as tremors or muscle spasticity. I do believe they have changed my personality, my mental state. So I'm screwed emotionally, psychologically and mentally whether I take the meds or don't. I've lost the fight and have no support.
And candle on the cake...now this year my major insurance company is not renewing its contract with the major hospital/medical system that I have all my physicians with. On a private pay HMO it's a difficult huge time consuming process to even find physicians that will take me as a client. If I make it to the 4th quarter of the year I will age into medicare and that will be of assist. So I have to stay "healthy, not have any events" the next 9 months and not use the insurance I'm paying thousands for just to have in place.
It just doesn't end and I'm worn out.

I had to release this crap. Whoever stayed through it..Thank you for reading to this point.
I am clueless as to whether this is post appropriate or not. My apologies if not.
 
Last edited:

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
your post is appropriate and i do understand. so it was a long post so i'll answer to the basics best i can. and since you're almost ready for medicare i'll assume we are approximately the same age, i'm 63.

as for the memory, vocabulary and other related topics there could be a reason. as we age we have more problems with our memory. there are supplements and foods that are supposed to help. but the important way to keep the mind sharp is to engage it more often. i don't but you can play games onlline that help to sharpen your mind. you can also read books which would also help with your vocabulary.

as for being alone if you want you can start to work on that. you have friends here but you are mostly talking about irl friends. you can make new friends by volunteering or go to a church function, or senior centers etc. there are many possibilities.

it is so easy to give up when there is no hope, i know i have done it more than once. it's not only important to keep living it's important to have a life worth living. only you can do that. try to find something you can be passionate about, believe me it helps. if you want to talk more my inbox is there for you. sorry it was so long.

mike...*hug*shake
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#3
Hi @Livelife - first off, I'm sorry if you feel it is best for you to be leaving the site. Whether permanent, or temporary (& that decision does not need to be made today), the door will always remain open should you change your mind, or decide to return. Or even just to observe and read/watch as a spectator, or wallflower of sorts (who does not with to login and participate).

Now, I'm terribly sorry to hear of your predicament, and your circumstance. It doesn't seem life has dealt you a great hand, at this stage of your life. Which, before I forget, let me pay you respects for the many years of dedicated service devoted to helping and caring for others, in your chosen profession of Nursing (can there be a more impressive line of work? Teaching, maybe? I don't know, it's kind of a tie...:))

What I would say to you, is that i don't have a ton of direct knowledge of the exact conditions with which you're dealing. But I did spend a fair amount of time working with Adults who had suffered Traumatic Brain Injuries in the past. Leaving them with many of the same problems you are now facing today. Of course, these Gentleman (& Ladies) were of course on average, living four people to a home. And depending on the severity of their condition, could do a lot, to very little without assistance from staff.

But so many of the difficulties you express, and the issues you now describe ring a familiar bell, or tone with me. As having somewhat witnessed, or experienced it through their eyes. For a lot of them, they're families had abandoned them. Dropped them off with us to care for them. Maybe they'd send a Birthday Card, or call them up on Christmas, but at least at the house I was usually working at (like 99.9% of the time), that was not the case. Even if they sometimes lived if not the same city, at least a very reasonable amount of driving hours away (like 2-4 in some cases).

What seemed to be present in those that progressed the most, and found the peak, or pinnacle of their happiness, in this newfound life. Was, "acceptance." In this new state, or way of life, as a result of their condition. By the way, a lot times, after people get a T.B.I., they then get diagnosis of mental illnesses, post, or secondary to that initial injury. As well as the potential for a change in their personalities. This may be one reason why friends & family leave. It is also one reason why I almost always made it a point to work a Holiday like Christmas, even expecting to get called in to work on the day of, when someone else would call in sick, or make up some excuse as to why they would not, or could not come in. I knew that if they worked short staffed, or short handed, then the guys living in that house would have no one else to talk or converse with. And depending on who else was staffed there on that given day, they could get literally next to zero, to very little interaction (as many enjoyed spending much of their time on the internet in the staff office). I on the other hand usually spent the whole day out in the commons, living/dining room. Basically chatting away with whoever would be willing to come out of their rooms.

And anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you, and can understand the frustration with which you are now faced. Many if not all of these people I am talking about, were pretty much going to require staying in homes like these, or under someone else's care for the rest of their lives. A lot of them were there for a great many years, and it took some time to get to that place of acceptance that I spoke of in the beginning. But what I also saw, was that those that chose to resist, and fight it, and deny everything and wish to return to their old, or former lives; friend & family and so on, and so forth. Really struggled and had a rough go of it.

So, I know that you said this is a somewhat recent diagnosis (in the grand scheme of things), and so... maybe you've got to give it another shot, and see to it that your doc knows everything that is going on, in terms of the drawbacks, or setbacks with your treatment. And what seems to be troubling you most in terms of living a life that is somewhat fulfilling, in the beginning, and hopefully even moreso, such that you can feel "free," again. To live. . . That's what I would suggest. A funny thing occurs once you've been living in one of those residencies for a while. In my case, they were all guy like in their 40's / 50's & 60's... They begin to form a bit of a bond, and family-type of atmosphere once they get to know, and hopefully, get along and like one another. This is their new normal, or routine. And once they have inhabited that concept (no easy or small task, as I said, in some instances it takes, or took "years.") it looks to me, from the outside, as if they were having quite the ball, at least when I was there. Almost more like a "Cheers," type of environment or interaction starts to take place.

That may not make much sense, and I'm not suggesting that that's what would be appropriate for you going forward (I really have no clue what would help you most)? But only to point out, that there may be other options out there that you either hadn't ever considered, or hadn't ever given the thought of what it might actually be like, and if it could work, were you willing & able to give it a go! :) Good luck, and Best Regards- & yes! The holidays never helps when one is alone or lonely. . .
 

Jane65

Well-Known Member
#4
This is not a pleasant read.
This is probably the end of my usual amount of time on this site. I want to voice my state of mind somewhere in this world and this is the ONLY place where people have any idea that I am drowning. So I'm grateful to have a voice to express here. I am finally going to name what I've deteriorated into as including mental illness. I just want to share all this one time.
I know this site is for depression but there's nowhere else I can voice the idiocy in my mind and for some reason it feels like a necessary thing for me by me to do.
I wake in the morning dejected that I have and dread existing through each long hour of the day until I can disappear into fitful sleep again. Even peaceful deep sleep is elusive.
The short moments of connection I make socially out there with people I've known for years at the places where I go and where I do business in person.. don't lighten me even momentarily any longer. It has always been my nature to make eye contact, engage, make connection with most anyone I meet, even the counter person at the drug store. To actually acknowledge whoever was in my space. Not a much needed aspect of life in today's world.
Now I don't feel much of anything except my own intolerable discomfort being in a body and I am sadly aware that I am losing my ability to be present for others. If an emergency were to occur in my field of vision I'd still jump in without hesitation...it's ingrained behavior and knowledge and desire and was definitely one of my assets when I was a practicing nurse.
I'm losing my mind. I used to have an excellent memory, vocabulary and ability to express. A curiosity for life. A love for reading and learning, for yoga and meditation, adventure. Now I stumble over my words with others if more than a few minutes....I know it's not aphasia or dementia, it feels like loss of social skills and anxiety that comes from having to engage. It's energetic work to show up with others and hide my reality.
If it weren't for the dogs I know I wouldn't be here. There's no point. The worst thing in this life is to be alone. I have no family. Close friends have died. The friends I still have live out of state and we text each other occasionally and they call on occasion. If they call I listen to them and respond to their sharing. There is nothing to contribute from my end. They have no idea of what I have deteriorated to. ...after knowing me for decades I'm certain they are aware of change but there is no point in divulging this to them.

.....I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with epilepsy. I had two friends that knew and they are no longer here. I tried the meds for a year. They altered my behavior. Side effects of anger and reactivity, which they are known for were prominent in me and unacceptable. I have partial seizures which mean in my case that they last for a few seconds, I do not lose awareness and do not have physical manifestations such as tremors or muscle spasticity. I do believe they have changed my personality, my mental state. So I'm screwed emotionally, psychologically and mentally whether I take the meds or don't. I've lost the fight and have no support.
And candle on the cake...now this year my major insurance company is not renewing its contract with the major hospital/medical system that I have all my physicians with. On a private pay HMO it's a difficult huge time consuming process to even find physicians that will take me as a client. If I make it to the 4th quarter of the year I will age into medicare and that will be of assist. So I have to stay "healthy, not have any events" the next 9 months and not use the insurance I'm paying thousands for just to have in place.
It just doesn't end and I'm worn out.

I had to release this crap. Whoever stayed through it..Thank you for reading to this point.
I am clueless as to whether this is post appropriate or not. My apologies if not.
I have read your post and totally get that it's only the dogs that keep you going. Yesterday I finally managed to get a really good rescue place for my dog when I am gone. It is still not the best option for him if I can bear to survive but that is so bloody hard and downright mentally painful. I hope that knowing you are not alone at least here in this forum where you can be totally honest offer you a little comfort... I'm thinking about you x
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#5
I read your post with interest @Livelife. I believe that we've been friendly since we both joined. I'm sorry to hear about the epilepsy and the feeling of deterioration. I know that although you feel like that inside, your spirit is still inside of you. Although hurt or battered from time and experience.

I hope you can resolve the problem with your insurance company. They can be horrible. Please PM me anytime to talk if you want.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#6
I have read your post and totally get that it's only the dogs that keep you going. Yesterday I finally managed to get a really good rescue place for my dog when I am gone. It is still not the best option for him if I can bear to survive but that is so bloody hard and downright mentally painful. I hope that knowing you are not alone at least here in this forum where you can be totally honest offer you a little comfort... I'm thinking about you x
@Jane65 ...thank you for sharing with me and thinking of me. *hugThat's a good thing even if it's not the perfect option for you; a relief that you got something aligned for your fur baby. My vet knows to take care of my 2 if the time happens....and I've put that info in my wallet, on my fridge, and in my final papers. I'm sorry you are in such pain and I hope there is some lightening of it for you*console*brohug
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#7
your post is appropriate and i do understand. so it was a long post so i'll answer to the basics best i can. and since you're almost ready for medicare i'll assume we are approximately the same age, i'm 63.

as for the memory, vocabulary and other related topics there could be a reason. as we age we have more problems with our memory. there are supplements and foods that are supposed to help. but the important way to keep the mind sharp is to engage it more often. i don't but you can play games onlline that help to sharpen your mind. you can also read books which would also help with your vocabulary.

as for being alone if you want you can start to work on that. you have friends here but you are mostly talking about irl friends. you can make new friends by volunteering or go to a church function, or senior centers etc. there are many possibilities.

it is so easy to give up when there is no hope, i know i have done it more than once. it's not only important to keep living it's important to have a life worth living. only you can do that. try to find something you can be passionate about, believe me it helps. if you want to talk more my inbox is there for you. sorry it was so long.

mike...*hug*shake
Thank you Mike for all the suggestions and connecting. *console*brohug
I do well with healthy diet and supplements so I'm good on that point. And I do read but too much tv might be having an influence as to stasis happening in my brain, for sure;)
I need to start up with my yoga again although I am still moving and walking and getting outdoors everyday for exercise and contact with nature which is important to me.
I was all geared up last year and excited after the holidays in 2019 to volunteer. I put the time in researching opportunities and interests and then here comes the pandemic. Popped a hole in my balloon and plans, lol.
It's still of strong interest but not doable yet as socializing and exposure remains restricted and not the best idea for me as I live alone. If I were to get ill and bed bound or housebound, there's no-one to help take care of me or the dogs or the household unfortunately. Most of the churches here are still closed. I engage with online/zoom services which I'm grateful for but as you noted, I'm wanting some irl face to face contact.
I will keep trying to stay open and have some hope.
I'm glad you had a really good holiday, it was good to see that*thumbsup*hug
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#8
Hi J. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I don't understand fully the situation you're in but I am listening and I do hear you. I know it feels terrible to deal with health care and doctors. It really sucks. Sending good thoughts your way. I hope you stick around a good long while here at the site.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#9
Hi J. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I don't understand fully the situation you're in but I am listening and I do hear you. I know it feels terrible to deal with health care and doctors. It really sucks. Sending good thoughts your way. I hope you stick around a good long while here at the site.
Thank you Walker. I appreciate the good thoughts. Happy New Year to you and yours.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#10
Hi @Livelife - first off, I'm sorry if you feel it is best for you to be leaving the site. Whether permanent, or temporary (& that decision does not need to be made today), the door will always remain open should you change your mind, or decide to return. Or even just to observe and read/watch as a spectator, or wallflower of sorts (who does not with to login and participate).

Now, I'm terribly sorry to hear of your predicament, and your circumstance. It doesn't seem life has dealt you a great hand, at this stage of your life. Which, before I forget, let me pay you respects for the many years of dedicated service devoted to helping and caring for others, in your chosen profession of Nursing (can there be a more impressive line of work? Teaching, maybe? I don't know, it's kind of a tie...:))

What I would say to you, is that i don't have a ton of direct knowledge of the exact conditions with which you're dealing. But I did spend a fair amount of time working with Adults who had suffered Traumatic Brain Injuries in the past. Leaving them with many of the same problems you are now facing today. Of course, these Gentleman (& Ladies) were of course on average, living four people to a home. And depending on the severity of their condition, could do a lot, to very little without assistance from staff.

But so many of the difficulties you express, and the issues you now describe ring a familiar bell, or tone with me. As having somewhat witnessed, or experienced it through their eyes. For a lot of them, they're families had abandoned them. Dropped them off with us to care for them. Maybe they'd send a Birthday Card, or call them up on Christmas, but at least at the house I was usually working at (like 99.9% of the time), that was not the case. Even if they sometimes lived if not the same city, at least a very reasonable amount of driving hours away (like 2-4 in some cases).

What seemed to be present in those that progressed the most, and found the peak, or pinnacle of their happiness, in this newfound life. Was, "acceptance." In this new state, or way of life, as a result of their condition. By the way, a lot times, after people get a T.B.I., they then get diagnosis of mental illnesses, post, or secondary to that initial injury. As well as the potential for a change in their personalities. This may be one reason why friends & family leave. It is also one reason why I almost always made it a point to work a Holiday like Christmas, even expecting to get called in to work on the day of, when someone else would call in sick, or make up some excuse as to why they would not, or could not come in. I knew that if they worked short staffed, or short handed, then the guys living in that house would have no one else to talk or converse with. And depending on who else was staffed there on that given day, they could get literally next to zero, to very little interaction (as many enjoyed spending much of their time on the internet in the staff office). I on the other hand usually spent the whole day out in the commons, living/dining room. Basically chatting away with whoever would be willing to come out of their rooms.

And anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you, and can understand the frustration with which you are now faced. Many if not all of these people I am talking about, were pretty much going to require staying in homes like these, or under someone else's care for the rest of their lives. A lot of them were there for a great many years, and it took some time to get to that place of acceptance that I spoke of in the beginning. But what I also saw, was that those that chose to resist, and fight it, and deny everything and wish to return to their old, or former lives; friend & family and so on, and so forth. Really struggled and had a rough go of it.

So, I know that you said this is a somewhat recent diagnosis (in the grand scheme of things), and so... maybe you've got to give it another shot, and see to it that your doc knows everything that is going on, in terms of the drawbacks, or setbacks with your treatment. And what seems to be troubling you most in terms of living a life that is somewhat fulfilling, in the beginning, and hopefully even moreso, such that you can feel "free," again. To live. . . That's what I would suggest. A funny thing occurs once you've been living in one of those residencies for a while. In my case, they were all guy like in their 40's / 50's & 60's... They begin to form a bit of a bond, and family-type of atmosphere once they get to know, and hopefully, get along and like one another. This is their new normal, or routine. And once they have inhabited that concept (no easy or small task, as I said, in some instances it takes, or took "years.") it looks to me, from the outside, as if they were having quite the ball, at least when I was there. Almost more like a "Cheers," type of environment or interaction starts to take place.

That may not make much sense, and I'm not suggesting that that's what would be appropriate for you going forward (I really have no clue what would help you most)? But only to point out, that there may be other options out there that you either hadn't ever considered, or hadn't ever given the thought of what it might actually be like, and if it could work, were you willing & able to give it a go! :) Good luck, and Best Regards- & yes! The holidays never helps when one is alone or lonely. . .
@MisterBGone .....:)Thank you for taking the time to respond and share with me. And thank you for honoring my line of work and what was a life passion. I appreciated reading about your experiences in the group settings.
I am not in a state to need the kind of care or environment you have so beautifully described, for which I'm thankful. I don't anticipate it in the future either.....the specific diagnosis doesn't lend itself to that kind of unfolding thank god.
New Year happy wishes for you!
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#11
@MisterBGone .....:)Thank you for taking the time to respond and share with me. And thank you for honoring my line of work and what was a life passion. I appreciated reading about your experiences in the group settings.
I am not in a state to need the kind of care or environment you have so beautifully described, for which I'm thankful. I don't anticipate it in the future either.....the specific diagnosis doesn't lend itself to that kind of unfolding thank god.
New Year happy wishes for you!
Very good! And thanks to you, too! Or same & likewise~ ;) All the best... :)
 

extraterrestrialone

untwisting the pretzel
SF Supporter
#12
This is not a pleasant read.
This is probably the end of my usual amount of time on this site. I want to voice my state of mind somewhere in this world and this is the ONLY place where people have any idea that I am drowning. So I'm grateful to have a voice to express here. I am finally going to name what I've deteriorated into as including mental illness. I just want to share all this one time.
I know this site is for depression but there's nowhere else I can voice the idiocy in my mind and for some reason it feels like a necessary thing for me by me to do.
I wake in the morning dejected that I have and dread existing through each long hour of the day until I can disappear into fitful sleep again. Even peaceful deep sleep is elusive.
The short moments of connection I make socially out there with people I've known for years at the places where I go and where I do business in person.. don't lighten me even momentarily any longer. It has always been my nature to make eye contact, engage, make connection with most anyone I meet, even the counter person at the drug store. To actually acknowledge whoever was in my space. Not a much needed aspect of life in today's world.
Now I don't feel much of anything except my own intolerable discomfort being in a body and I am sadly aware that I am losing my ability to be present for others. If an emergency were to occur in my field of vision I'd still jump in without hesitation...it's ingrained behavior and knowledge and desire and was definitely one of my assets when I was a practicing nurse.
I'm losing my mind. I used to have an excellent memory, vocabulary and ability to express. A curiosity for life. A love for reading and learning, for yoga and meditation, adventure. Now I stumble over my words with others if more than a few minutes....I know it's not aphasia or dementia, it feels like loss of social skills and anxiety that comes from having to engage. It's energetic work to show up with others and hide my reality.
If it weren't for the dogs I know I wouldn't be here. There's no point. The worst thing in this life is to be alone. I have no family. Close friends have died. The friends I still have live out of state and we text each other occasionally and they call on occasion. If they call I listen to them and respond to their sharing. There is nothing to contribute from my end. They have no idea of what I have deteriorated to. ...after knowing me for decades I'm certain they are aware of change but there is no point in divulging this to them.

.....I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with epilepsy. I had two friends that knew and they are no longer here. I tried the meds for a year. They altered my behavior. Side effects of anger and reactivity, which they are known for were prominent in me and unacceptable. I have partial seizures which mean in my case that they last for a few seconds, I do not lose awareness and do not have physical manifestations such as tremors or muscle spasticity. I do believe they have changed my personality, my mental state. So I'm screwed emotionally, psychologically and mentally whether I take the meds or don't. I've lost the fight and have no support.
And candle on the cake...now this year my major insurance company is not renewing its contract with the major hospital/medical system that I have all my physicians with. On a private pay HMO it's a difficult huge time consuming process to even find physicians that will take me as a client. If I make it to the 4th quarter of the year I will age into medicare and that will be of assist. So I have to stay "healthy, not have any events" the next 9 months and not use the insurance I'm paying thousands for just to have in place.
It just doesn't end and I'm worn out.

I had to release this crap. Whoever stayed through it..Thank you for reading to this point.
I am clueless as to whether this is post appropriate or not. My apologies if not.
Hey, Livelife, i actually don’t know if i have anything to offer except that i consider you a friend and i’m around just to talk to/with about anything like walking in the park or wild animals and funny things in the Café.

i can offer possible solutions i believe i’ve found that are working for myself but i’m not always sure they would apply to other people. i don’t want to sound like i actually know anything. so here i am and you do know where to find me and maybe somehow i can offer distraction if nothing else. i see there are many people here who care. you are in good company. i know we are not where you are geographically but i believe that sometimes online friends can actually be closer. meantime i’m doing my best to send some positivity your way.
 

Autumn1973

Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
#13
This is not a pleasant read.
This is probably the end of my usual amount of time on this site. I want to voice my state of mind somewhere in this world and this is the ONLY place where people have any idea that I am drowning. So I'm grateful to have a voice to express here. I am finally going to name what I've deteriorated into as including mental illness. I just want to share all this one time.
I know this site is for depression but there's nowhere else I can voice the idiocy in my mind and for some reason it feels like a necessary thing for me by me to do.
I wake in the morning dejected that I have and dread existing through each long hour of the day until I can disappear into fitful sleep again. Even peaceful deep sleep is elusive.
The short moments of connection I make socially out there with people I've known for years at the places where I go and where I do business in person.. don't lighten me even momentarily any longer. It has always been my nature to make eye contact, engage, make connection with most anyone I meet, even the counter person at the drug store. To actually acknowledge whoever was in my space. Not a much needed aspect of life in today's world.
Now I don't feel much of anything except my own intolerable discomfort being in a body and I am sadly aware that I am losing my ability to be present for others. If an emergency were to occur in my field of vision I'd still jump in without hesitation...it's ingrained behavior and knowledge and desire and was definitely one of my assets when I was a practicing nurse.
I'm losing my mind. I used to have an excellent memory, vocabulary and ability to express. A curiosity for life. A love for reading and learning, for yoga and meditation, adventure. Now I stumble over my words with others if more than a few minutes....I know it's not aphasia or dementia, it feels like loss of social skills and anxiety that comes from having to engage. It's energetic work to show up with others and hide my reality.
If it weren't for the dogs I know I wouldn't be here. There's no point. The worst thing in this life is to be alone. I have no family. Close friends have died. The friends I still have live out of state and we text each other occasionally and they call on occasion. If they call I listen to them and respond to their sharing. There is nothing to contribute from my end. They have no idea of what I have deteriorated to. ...after knowing me for decades I'm certain they are aware of change but there is no point in divulging this to them.

.....I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with epilepsy. I had two friends that knew and they are no longer here. I tried the meds for a year. They altered my behavior. Side effects of anger and reactivity, which they are known for were prominent in me and unacceptable. I have partial seizures which mean in my case that they last for a few seconds, I do not lose awareness and do not have physical manifestations such as tremors or muscle spasticity. I do believe they have changed my personality, my mental state. So I'm screwed emotionally, psychologically and mentally whether I take the meds or don't. I've lost the fight and have no support.
And candle on the cake...now this year my major insurance company is not renewing its contract with the major hospital/medical system that I have all my physicians with. On a private pay HMO it's a difficult huge time consuming process to even find physicians that will take me as a client. If I make it to the 4th quarter of the year I will age into medicare and that will be of assist. So I have to stay "healthy, not have any events" the next 9 months and not use the insurance I'm paying thousands for just to have in place.
It just doesn't end and I'm worn out.

I had to release this crap. Whoever stayed through it..Thank you for reading to this point.
I am clueless as to whether this is post appropriate or not. My apologies if not.
I'm so sorry, my friend. *consoleI wish there was some advice I could give to do more to help you. Maybe it's because I can relate to so much of what what you've written. Waking up in the morning and dreading the day ahead. Not sleeping well. Hiding my reality, not just who I really am inside but because of what's wrong with me mentally that's never been diagnosed. Having no family to support and care about me, no friends I can see face to face. But I've found support and comfort - I've found friends - here, and you're one of the people who helped me get through a very tough period of my life. You are one of the friends I've made here, and you mean a lot to me. I'll never forget your kindness when I was down. We're all here for you, all your friends are here to support you. "Friends will be friends." Face to face or online, it doesn't matter. "Friends will be friends."

Big Hug, my friend.

Autumn
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#14
Hey, Livelife, i actually don’t know if i have anything to offer except that i consider you a friend and i’m around just to talk to/with about anything like walking in the park or wild animals and funny things in the Café.

i can offer possible solutions i believe i’ve found that are working for myself but i’m not always sure they would apply to other people. i don’t want to sound like i actually know anything. so here i am and you do know where to find me and maybe somehow i can offer distraction if nothing else. i see there are many people here who care. you are in good company. i know we are not where you are geographically but i believe that sometimes online friends can actually be closer. meantime i’m doing my best to send some positivity your way.
I so appreciate and thank you for your invitation, the positive energy, and your valuable friendship. Happy New Year to you and yours..
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#15
I'm so sorry, my friend. *consoleI wish there was some advice I could give to do more to help you. Maybe it's because I can relate to so much of what what you've written. Waking up in the morning and dreading the day ahead. Not sleeping well. Hiding my reality, not just who I really am inside but because of what's wrong with me mentally that's never been diagnosed. Having no family to support and care about me, no friends I can see face to face. But I've found support and comfort - I've found friends - here, and you're one of the people who helped me get through a very tough period of my life. You are one of the friends I've made here, and you mean a lot to me. I'll never forget your kindness when I was down. We're all here for you, all your friends are here to support you. "Friends will be friends." Face to face or online, it doesn't matter. "Friends will be friends."

Big Hug, my friend.

Autumn
Thank you for touching my heart this morning. I'm honored. I'm sorry you are walking in some similar ways as I am. And thank you for the reminder that caring is powerful and real no matter the mode of connection. Sometimes it can be forgotten that people that aren't face to face carry you in their hearts and minds. I hope this year brings even more support and comfort to you! Big hug back :)
 

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