This is not a pleasant read.
This is probably the end of my usual amount of time on this site. I want to voice my state of mind somewhere in this world and this is the ONLY place where people have any idea that I am drowning. So I'm grateful to have a voice to express here. I am finally going to name what I've deteriorated into as including mental illness. I just want to share all this one time.
I know this site is for depression but there's nowhere else I can voice the idiocy in my mind and for some reason it feels like a necessary thing for me by me to do.
I wake in the morning dejected that I have and dread existing through each long hour of the day until I can disappear into fitful sleep again. Even peaceful deep sleep is elusive.
The short moments of connection I make socially out there with people I've known for years at the places where I go and where I do business in person.. don't lighten me even momentarily any longer. It has always been my nature to make eye contact, engage, make connection with most anyone I meet, even the counter person at the drug store. To actually acknowledge whoever was in my space. Not a much needed aspect of life in today's world.
Now I don't feel much of anything except my own intolerable discomfort being in a body and I am sadly aware that I am losing my ability to be present for others. If an emergency were to occur in my field of vision I'd still jump in without hesitation...it's ingrained behavior and knowledge and desire and was definitely one of my assets when I was a practicing nurse.
I'm losing my mind. I used to have an excellent memory, vocabulary and ability to express. A curiosity for life. A love for reading and learning, for yoga and meditation, adventure. Now I stumble over my words with others if more than a few minutes....I know it's not aphasia or dementia, it feels like loss of social skills and anxiety that comes from having to engage. It's energetic work to show up with others and hide my reality.
If it weren't for the dogs I know I wouldn't be here. There's no point. The worst thing in this life is to be alone. I have no family. Close friends have died. The friends I still have live out of state and we text each other occasionally and they call on occasion. If they call I listen to them and respond to their sharing. There is nothing to contribute from my end. They have no idea of what I have deteriorated to. ...after knowing me for decades I'm certain they are aware of change but there is no point in divulging this to them.
.....I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with epilepsy. I had two friends that knew and they are no longer here. I tried the meds for a year. They altered my behavior. Side effects of anger and reactivity, which they are known for were prominent in me and unacceptable. I have partial seizures which mean in my case that they last for a few seconds, I do not lose awareness and do not have physical manifestations such as tremors or muscle spasticity. I do believe they have changed my personality, my mental state. So I'm screwed emotionally, psychologically and mentally whether I take the meds or don't. I've lost the fight and have no support.
And candle on the cake...now this year my major insurance company is not renewing its contract with the major hospital/medical system that I have all my physicians with. On a private pay HMO it's a difficult huge time consuming process to even find physicians that will take me as a client. If I make it to the 4th quarter of the year I will age into medicare and that will be of assist. So I have to stay "healthy, not have any events" the next 9 months and not use the insurance I'm paying thousands for just to have in place.
It just doesn't end and I'm worn out.
I had to release this crap. Whoever stayed through it..Thank you for reading to this point.
I am clueless as to whether this is post appropriate or not. My apologies if not.
This is probably the end of my usual amount of time on this site. I want to voice my state of mind somewhere in this world and this is the ONLY place where people have any idea that I am drowning. So I'm grateful to have a voice to express here. I am finally going to name what I've deteriorated into as including mental illness. I just want to share all this one time.
I know this site is for depression but there's nowhere else I can voice the idiocy in my mind and for some reason it feels like a necessary thing for me by me to do.
I wake in the morning dejected that I have and dread existing through each long hour of the day until I can disappear into fitful sleep again. Even peaceful deep sleep is elusive.
The short moments of connection I make socially out there with people I've known for years at the places where I go and where I do business in person.. don't lighten me even momentarily any longer. It has always been my nature to make eye contact, engage, make connection with most anyone I meet, even the counter person at the drug store. To actually acknowledge whoever was in my space. Not a much needed aspect of life in today's world.
Now I don't feel much of anything except my own intolerable discomfort being in a body and I am sadly aware that I am losing my ability to be present for others. If an emergency were to occur in my field of vision I'd still jump in without hesitation...it's ingrained behavior and knowledge and desire and was definitely one of my assets when I was a practicing nurse.
I'm losing my mind. I used to have an excellent memory, vocabulary and ability to express. A curiosity for life. A love for reading and learning, for yoga and meditation, adventure. Now I stumble over my words with others if more than a few minutes....I know it's not aphasia or dementia, it feels like loss of social skills and anxiety that comes from having to engage. It's energetic work to show up with others and hide my reality.
If it weren't for the dogs I know I wouldn't be here. There's no point. The worst thing in this life is to be alone. I have no family. Close friends have died. The friends I still have live out of state and we text each other occasionally and they call on occasion. If they call I listen to them and respond to their sharing. There is nothing to contribute from my end. They have no idea of what I have deteriorated to. ...after knowing me for decades I'm certain they are aware of change but there is no point in divulging this to them.
.....I was diagnosed about 2 years ago with epilepsy. I had two friends that knew and they are no longer here. I tried the meds for a year. They altered my behavior. Side effects of anger and reactivity, which they are known for were prominent in me and unacceptable. I have partial seizures which mean in my case that they last for a few seconds, I do not lose awareness and do not have physical manifestations such as tremors or muscle spasticity. I do believe they have changed my personality, my mental state. So I'm screwed emotionally, psychologically and mentally whether I take the meds or don't. I've lost the fight and have no support.
And candle on the cake...now this year my major insurance company is not renewing its contract with the major hospital/medical system that I have all my physicians with. On a private pay HMO it's a difficult huge time consuming process to even find physicians that will take me as a client. If I make it to the 4th quarter of the year I will age into medicare and that will be of assist. So I have to stay "healthy, not have any events" the next 9 months and not use the insurance I'm paying thousands for just to have in place.
It just doesn't end and I'm worn out.
I had to release this crap. Whoever stayed through it..Thank you for reading to this point.
I am clueless as to whether this is post appropriate or not. My apologies if not.
Last edited: