Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dark&lone, Aug 1, 2010.

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  1. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    This is going to sound so mental, but drink and drugs has ruled my life for so long and now Ive stopped Ive finally realised that when I die, I do not want to die drunk, because then at least no one can call me a drunk again and that its all because of the drink. No i want people to know that I suffered and I want some people to know that it was there fault why Im in this mess.. This sounds absolutely mental right?? I want people to suffer because what Ive been through because they couldnt keep the grubby creepy hands off me when I was vulnerable and that they thought they could take advantage of me. I want people to know that I care about people who hate my guts, and that Im doing this to make there life so much easier so that they dont have to breath in the same room as me and feel disgusted...
    I no when I do die it is my choice, my fault and my right to die, yet is it wrong to want people to feel the pain and the hurt that they caused me for years. I feel so angry right now, I just want to run and hide and cry and cut and DIE. I am not going to drink though, because everytime Ive been drunk I make it so that I am found, but this time I am not going to be found. Got it planned, got it sussed. I will fucking show all those people that they are not the ones who are destroying me and my life, that it is me doing it, because I am not letting those perverted basterds win, because I am going to do it because I cannot bear life anymore. All that ever happens is people think they have some sort of right to rape me, kick the fuck out of me, rape me, beat me up, rape me and destroy everything that I have worked so hard for. I am nothing. I have no job no life no future, and I certainly have a past that I wish I didnt. Why does life suck? I wish I knew, not that I could do much about it. However I know that I will hurt people who havent hurt me, however there are so few people who truly cares about me that it is worth the sacrifice. Im sick and tired of living shit every single fucking day. Im finished.
  2. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    Dark and Alone

    Drink and drugs have ruled my life for a long time too. I have made such terrible mistakes when not thinking properly due to the drink/drugs.

    I have recently given up drugs and now drink moderately and realised just how badly I have screwed up. Sounds like you have been using substances to bury these terrible memories which is totally understandable.

    I am sorry you have been through such terrible experiences. I hope you decide to get some help instead of killing yourself though. You have achieved something already by breaking the dependence on drink/drugs.

    Ending it all will not be vengence against the assholes who have done terrible things to you.

    No, the best revenge is success! I hope you can find a way to deal with the past and move forward. Show them you are not beaten and that you are worth so much more than them.

    Best wishes
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Never ever let them win god no you show them all how much more better you are then them by healing and stop being their victim by taking control of you and move away from all of the past you win they lose okay don't let them win
  4. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    everytime i move away and start looking forward to life the people are there, just waiting. If it isnt someone from the past it is someone hurting me in the present. Maybe i deserve to be hurt, its all im used to. I sometimes think fuck it let anyone do whatever because at least i know i will have some control as im giving permission... I cant take it. My head is constantly fucked.. I just want to run.. I dont want to deal with anyone anything anytime soon.. It gets complicated when people are involved because it hurts them more, I dont want to keep on hurting people who dont deserve to be hurt, yet I know i will when i die, but i cant live anymore in this torturing world, I dont belong here. This is hell for me.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    people can be very cruel i understand that one You just need to look after you thats all do things make you happy use to make you happy do them camping whatever do it just look after you No you don't want to leave the pain behind for others to bare so get you well so you can move on get therapist get on new meds do what you need to do okay
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi dark. I'm so sorry that people have abused you so much in the past. But don't let them cause your demise, because if you do, then they will win. Don't let them win. Show them that you are stronger than they think. Don't drink or take any more drugs, because they make you vulnerable to abuse. What is done is done, but you can rise above it and reclaim your life. Please don't give up. :hug:
  7. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    i just feel like my whole life is going to be about abuse and 101 ways how to hurt me. I just a break. I want the pain to stop. I want people to uderstand me instead of saying I dont believe you, your just a alcoholic you dont know shit blah blah blah..
    It hurts me everytime becuase I have little faith in people anyways as everyone is out there to protect there own skin at the end of the day...
    Im just sick and tired of getting hurt...

    I try to do things that I enjoy and I do enjoy them yet its when Im on my own that it effects mee, thats when the thoughts come, but i cant be with people 24/7..
  8. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    Dark and alone

    Have you saw a doctor about your depression?

    I really think you should. He/she will probably reccomend some counselling, and possibly some meds to help you short term.

    Please don't think you are the only one who has suffered this way, or that it is in some way your fault.

    You have been wronged, and it not your fault.

    Please don't suffer alone.

    Take care
  9. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    Heya Paul
    Yeah I have seen a counsellor, Ive had therapy for the last 5 years for different things, but not one of them ever want to help me with the abuse, they just tell me its in the past that I just need to accept it. I accept that I cannot change any of it, nor do I want to (not in a sick way ovo I dont want it to happen) but I just need closure, I want the nightmares to stop the fear of being in a relationship, stop the fear of going to see a doctor about personal stuff without seizing up, to be able to laugh and have fun with boys without the seed of doubt if its going to be them next to abuse me.
    I am not on any meds, I very rarely am on them, because they never work, because I abused alcohol with them and didnt take them properly, and the rehab that Ive been in don't recommend medication because I used to abuse alot of medication just to take something to fix me..??? if that makes sense, I understand where they are coming from thats the main thing I guess..!
    I know I am not alone in being abused, I have never thought that because my brother also abused my sister, yet she refuses to speak about it, and she can have relationships, she's been able to move on yet I havent been able to... I feel sometimes an outsider in my family because I can never move on from anything.
    I feel insane...
  10. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you! I believe you can show them your strength through living, and overcoming these issues. I also believe that once you do, you can help others that have been in your shoes, and you may save lives! Death would be letting them win. People choose to do some terrible things, and I am not saying what they have done to you is a small matter. But I have faith in you as a person to be able to over come this one day, and make something possitive out of these negative situations. Perhaps being a motivational speaker for those who suffer or have suffered as you have? Or a book writen by you to encourage other victims to never give up, and to give them courage that life can exist after pain? The possibilities are endless. You are never alone. There are many people here to talk to including me, and if you cannot open up to any of us, prayer has helped me immensly. The choice is yours. :hug: Blessings..
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