Mentally and physically exhausted

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SwimToTheMoon, Aug 10, 2016.

  1. SwimToTheMoon

    SwimToTheMoon Member

    I'm so tired. I fail everyone. I can't do it anymore. I cant fake that I care or that I'm even capable of making others happy or that I even have the wI'll to do so. It's a dark place to be knowing that you just keep hurting your life and the lives of others. I'd rather just die. It's a lot better than screwing with the lives of others.
     
  2. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Please don't give up. Hugs We're here for you. Are you seeing a professional?

    Welcome to SF. Hugs
     
    SwimToTheMoon likes this.
  3. SwimToTheMoon

    SwimToTheMoon Member

    I have before and including recently. I quit seeing a professional when I couldnt afford meds. I'm always irritated, angry, and truthfully just rather be alone. I know when I'm alone I can't fail to meet others expectations that I know I can't meet. I let others down. I feel guilty that I'm incapable of love. I'm a liar. I'm truly selfish. I'm empty inside. I.don't want to live anther 30 years miserably.
     
  4. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Are you safe?

    Hugs
     
  5. SwimToTheMoon

    SwimToTheMoon Member

    I'm not sure anymore.
     
  6. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Can you call a crisis hotline number? Go to your nearest hospital?

    We just want you safe.
     
  7. SwimToTheMoon

    SwimToTheMoon Member

    I've admitted myself before and it is just a temporary setback. I don't want to start over. I always end up losing jobs and relationships. I don't have energy to begin again.
     
  8. SwimToTheMoon

    SwimToTheMoon Member

    No one I've ever known has related to my depression. The most lonely feeling in the world.
     
  9. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Please don't give up.

    If you have to, please go talk to a dr about how you are feeling and your thoughts.

    We are here for you. We just want you to be alright.
     
  10. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I can assure you John that a great many people here relate to your depression. We are all sharing very similar/same experiences, or we have done at some point and many of us will again unfortunately. Thats how SF works so brilliantly, because you are now amongst a group of people who have great empathy with you and your illness. Now you are here, maybe you can take the time to tell is a little more about you, how depression affects you and how we can help support you though it. You can get through it, I am living testament to that and now its about giving something back, so here I am.

    Its time to break the cycle and you just took the first step in doing that by coming to SF. Right now its all about staying safe and doing whatever it takes to that end.
     
    brknsilence likes this.
  11. SwimToTheMoon

    SwimToTheMoon Member

    My name is John. I'm 35 years old and I work as an electrician. My depression started at 6 years old when my parents divorced. I started having social problems from that moment on. I always felt abandoned and rejection. It continued into my teenage years. I always thought it might just a phase. The anger, the antisocial behavior, the trouble making friends and talking to women. The Trouble Fitting in, desiring to be a part of anything. A few years ago my ex wife divorced me citing that marriage required too much energy. It was devastating but maybe it is my depression that she was referring too. It is affecting my current relationship too. I used to be deep down a positive person. I had empathy for others and cared about others. I'm concerned now because I'm extremely bitter. I don't feel anything for anyone. I don't care about things or enjoy any simple things like I always did. I feel nihilistic. I don't want to live as a miserable person and a selfish person who doesn't care about others. I'd rather just die then suffocate under my own miserable existence. I just want to feel normal emotion. Feel attachment to something and for someone to relate. Someone to listen. In my personal life no one close to me really understands any of this.
     
  12. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yep, all the classic symptoms, which I know you know as you have a long history with depression.

    I think that what you are going through is made worse because you have no medication to life your mood. There is a chemical imbalance in your brain, thats why you become depressed or anxious. Medication helps restore the balance. You stop taking them, you lose the balance again and slip back into old ways and all the old thoughts come flooding back etc etc. So you need to think about what you can do about that. I know how different I feel and think when either tired or upset and that is with medication. Without it, things are 10x worse. I think you are experiencing that or similar.

    Could it be possile that you could try going back on meds and seeing how you then feel?
     
  13. SwimToTheMoon

    SwimToTheMoon Member

    I tried to recently but couldn't afford the meds even with insurance.
     
  14. Just Lost

    Just Lost Member

    Swim,
    I'm right there too. Maui ocean sounds like a place to go for me
     
    SwimToTheMoon likes this.
  15. SwimToTheMoon

    SwimToTheMoon Member

    Just Lost, It would be nice to get away. Swim away, disappear and start over.
     
  16. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    I know how lonely that is.
     
  17. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thanks to the internet, there is a huge library of material related to treating depression without medication. Some good, some bad, some indifferent, but you need to spend some time doing some research online and then set about finding what works for you. I know thats not easy, you have to be motivated and thats not always easy either, but if you are to start getting even with this, theres only you who can do it.

    So now, the ball is firmly in your court. You cant afford meds or therapy, so you have to look at every alternative you can find. After skim reading some, I will be taking a look myself because sertraline is just not working for me. So maybe its time to look beyond medication for me as well. Just a suggestion, thats all.