I want to tell my children how incredibly painful it was to not get contacted in any way on Christmas Day. I was so happy choosing presents for them. I feel I am no longer of any particular use or value. I am not allowed to say how I feel as it is selfish and self-indulgent. I feel like if I was a better person I would do a better of job of pretending I don't care and just carrying on, but I'm just tired and don't see the point of trying so hard anymore. I have been looking at the ways to commit suicide. <mod edit - methods>. I will leave a note on my front door so that police are sent around so my friends or family do not find me. I am on my own for so much I do not think that anyone will be around for a long time anyway. It will not be until January 5th that people from work will realise I am not working, but they will still take a while to click as I work remotely on computer from head office. I am tired of always being judged so much more harshly than my children's expectations of themselves and others. I am never good enough. I feel like an emotional punching bag.