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Messages to a Lost Cause

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Broken Wings, Apr 28, 2009.

  1. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the long post.

    Condensed version:
    Okay, so I've been doing better. I've been on my meds, I don't cut, I'm generally happy. But I can't get her out of my head.

    Long Version:
    Last school year first symester, (Sept 07-Jan 08) I was at a different school. I had just moved in Sept. to a new house a bit out of the old city, this school was closer yadda yadda. Insert horrendous depressed episode. I had a teacher, Ms. K. She was really nice to me, listened, gave me riddles, we were friends, I suppose. I considered her a friend, a really good one. She found out about my cuts (saw them). I made a promise to her to not cut in Dec. I also had her and the VP. store my knives in the lock-box at school. That kinda freaked her out, but she was happy that I stopped cutting. January comes, all is well, only one little slip-up. I was feeling good, and was ready to have my knives back (they were in a fancy box I wanted, didn't want the knives.) I'm not allowed to have them without parental consent. No one told me this before. I got angry. (Note: I wasn't seeing psychiatry then, they hadn't 'gotten back to me' yet) Exams yadda yadda. That night I felt like crap. Made an attempt. Went to the hospital that week, day or two later.
    So things happened, I never got back to that school. Never got to say goodbye. So I called one of my friends from that school, asked them to tell her I was doing fine, not dead, and that I would like to send her a letter. Well, that friend turned out to be a jerk (different story), and may have, may not have told her. So my psych said that it would be a good idea to send her a letter. So I wrote a letter. Pretty much saying the same things. Hi, I'm good, how're you. I'd love to keep in touch. blah-b-blah. Sent it off. week or so later, the guidence counsellor at my 'new' school tells me she got a call from the one over at the other school, telling me not to try an contact Mrs. K again. Ouch. Lots of pain. (Still not fully stable at this point, Feb 08) So, being the brilliant clear-thinking maniac that I was, I wrote her an email. An rather tensely written email, that could have been construed as a suicide note and death-threat. (it was neither). I go back to the hospital, and it comes to term that I may not be able to go back to school at all because of this. Everything on that angle worked out fine.

    Anyways, so since then I haven't said a word to her. I don't even know if she still works there. All I know is that it still hurts. I still miss her. Maybe it's 'wrong' but it's true.

    I know I shouldn't try to talk to her, go see her or anything, but every day that passes I want to more than the day before. the longer I wait, the more I feel like I'm going to relapse, and I don't want to.

    So my question is, how do I deal with this?
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I think the best thing to do is move on. Easier said than done off course.
    You've contacted her twice now and yet she still hasn't been in contact with you. She probably has her reasons why.

    Take each day as it comes and in your free time, spend them doing things you enjoy.