Sorry for the long post. Condensed version: Okay, so I've been doing better. I've been on my meds, I don't cut, I'm generally happy. But I can't get her out of my head. Long Version: Last school year first symester, (Sept 07-Jan 08) I was at a different school. I had just moved in Sept. to a new house a bit out of the old city, this school was closer yadda yadda. Insert horrendous depressed episode. I had a teacher, Ms. K. She was really nice to me, listened, gave me riddles, we were friends, I suppose. I considered her a friend, a really good one. She found out about my cuts (saw them). I made a promise to her to not cut in Dec. I also had her and the VP. store my knives in the lock-box at school. That kinda freaked her out, but she was happy that I stopped cutting. January comes, all is well, only one little slip-up. I was feeling good, and was ready to have my knives back (they were in a fancy box I wanted, didn't want the knives.) I'm not allowed to have them without parental consent. No one told me this before. I got angry. (Note: I wasn't seeing psychiatry then, they hadn't 'gotten back to me' yet) Exams yadda yadda. That night I felt like crap. Made an attempt. Went to the hospital that week, day or two later. So things happened, I never got back to that school. Never got to say goodbye. So I called one of my friends from that school, asked them to tell her I was doing fine, not dead, and that I would like to send her a letter. Well, that friend turned out to be a jerk (different story), and may have, may not have told her. So my psych said that it would be a good idea to send her a letter. So I wrote a letter. Pretty much saying the same things. Hi, I'm good, how're you. I'd love to keep in touch. blah-b-blah. Sent it off. week or so later, the guidence counsellor at my 'new' school tells me she got a call from the one over at the other school, telling me not to try an contact Mrs. K again. Ouch. Lots of pain. (Still not fully stable at this point, Feb 08) So, being the brilliant clear-thinking maniac that I was, I wrote her an email. An rather tensely written email, that could have been construed as a suicide note and death-threat. (it was neither). I go back to the hospital, and it comes to term that I may not be able to go back to school at all because of this. Everything on that angle worked out fine. Anyways, so since then I haven't said a word to her. I don't even know if she still works there. All I know is that it still hurts. I still miss her. Maybe it's 'wrong' but it's true. I know I shouldn't try to talk to her, go see her or anything, but every day that passes I want to more than the day before. the longer I wait, the more I feel like I'm going to relapse, and I don't want to. So my question is, how do I deal with this?