messed up last night

[oilrag]

Made an attempt. I'm injured and sore but I'm home and I am safe this morning.

I'm still full of too much pain and I don't know what to do with it but I know I don't want to do that with it because I love my girls way more than I hate myself and I don't want to leave them

And I don't know any way out of this impossible situation that I am in But I do that that can't be the way out there has to be another way and I'm gonna stick around and find it

I don't feel as determined to live as I sound, I feel scared and shaky and unsure But I can't do that again not tonight not for many nights anyway I have to try something different I'm not very good talking but I have a therapist who's really good at listening . And I'm bad letting people help me I'm bad at asking for help and I'm bad at letting them help

So before turning to what I tried last night again I'm at least gonna try talking and I'm gonna try asking for help and I'm gonna try letting people help And I'm scared as shit to face my therapist today I emailed him last night and I told him everything I didn't sign the safety contract that he wanted me signed but he said he trusted me to keep it anyway and I didn't I broke every clause in it except for the fact them showing up alive

I don't know why I think hes going to be mad. Hes never ever been mad. Hes only ever been compassionate and understanding. Sometimes compassionate and understanding is way harder to face than somebody just being pissed off.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in period I just wanna to I don't know be accountable or something I should have come here 1st I should have gotten one of the chat rooms I should have done all of the things that I said I was going to do instead of going And doing what I did I'm sorry guys

Shit I'm crying. I don't really do that a lot. I really am sorry. I messed up.

 

[Dawn]

Really sorry to hear that. Please try to take care of u so your soon to be ex husband doesn't have more to use against u in court. U can do this and we are here to help.

 

[Dawn]

U are still here and that is what counts. I know it is so hard now but please try to hold on. U are doing good being in therapy and hope u feel better soon.

Everything can still be worked out and it's not too late! Bless u

 

[Kiwi2016]

Please take to heart that you do matter-for yourself and for your girls and that you aren't alone as we're all here for you. It is good that you are starting to feel that you can talk openly with your therapist and to ask for help so it is good that you are going to see him today. I know that that can be hard on multiple accounts as one who struggles with asking for help but take it one step at a time. Hold tightly onto the inner strength that you have as shown by enduring your situation. loving your girls, and also by having the courage to share here. I wondered if you had talked to him about meds as though sometimes challenging to find the right dosage/combination they can be very helpful. Sending you heartfelt hugs.

 

[oilrag]

@Kiwi2016 I'm on a really low dose antidepressant and I think I really need to speak to my psychiatrist about increasing the dosage. I hadn't really even thought of that until you said that. I've been afraid to mess with my meds Because my husband always makes it seem like me being on medication makes me crazy. But you're right, not taking the medication probably makes me crazier. And getting on the right dosage could probably really help stabilize my mood some right now. So make a note to talk to my psychiatrist and I'll discuss that with my therapist today. Thank you for the good suggestion. And for your support.


@Dawning As of now, my husband does not know what occurred last night. But it certainly would not be hard to find out if he did some digging. And you're right, I do not need to give him any more ammunition should a custody battlecome to play. But the point is that I did live, I did choose life. And getting a medication change afterwards will probably look like a very good thing. And the fact that I showed up for therapy the next day will also probably look like a very good thing. The fact that I did not need to be hospitalized will also probably look like a very good thing. I probably need to be hospitalized, but that's not happening. There is no way I'm going in patient. There is no one else to care for my kids except me. Indian that is what stopped me. There is no 1 else to care for my girls except for me.

Thank you both so much for your nonjudgmental support. I'm just feeling like crap about myself right now. I'm just feeling like absolute crap. He is left for work and I'm so exhausted in my whole body hurts And I'm in so much pain physically and emotionally and I have this whole household to care for and I still Don't know how to ask for help even though I know I have friends who would come and help if I just asked. But for now I'm just going to concentrate on talking. I'm just gonna try to talk today. That's my goal. Talk. Therapy appointment in one hour and 15 minutes. In today my goal is talk. That is a big enough gold for 1 day.

 

[Dawn]

You are right that all of that will be in your favor, so that is good. I know u are trying so hard. I wish we could do more. I am just so glad u are okay thankfully. Hopefully, the meds will help more and things will be better soon. Take good care

 

[StevenR]

If I could say one thing to you it would be this. "THINK ABOUT YOUR GIRLS". If you can hold on to that you can get though this. They love and need you more than you will ever know. So please try not to get caught up in bad thoughts, it will send you to a dark place. Remember giving birth to your girls and how beautiful they have grown up to be. You can't go wrong holding on to those types of thoughts. So please try that for a day and see how it goes. We are here for you. Remember you are loved and cared about more than you will ever know. Steve

 

[WayneO]

Hurray! You're still here. You didn't break your girls' hearts. Your self-value is wrong. You are such a valuable person and you have people who love you. All the shit that the world throws at us doesn't add up to much when we measure the power of LOVE.
Sending you love. Thank you for still being here.

 

[Kiwi2016]

Just thought would check in to see how you were doing...sending you hugs

 

[Lara_C]

From the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
"Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation.

Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:

• Tells you that you can never do anything right
• Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
• Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
• Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
• Controls every penny spent in the household
• Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
• Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
• Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
• Prevents you from making your own decisions
• Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
• Prevents you from working or attending school
• Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
• Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
• Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
• Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol"

If I were you, I would contact the above hotline for support and advice, explaining why you cannot access the services of your local women's shelter. I have a feeling that once your controlling husband realises he is risking exposure and humiliation if he tries to carry through with his threat to separate you from your children by using your mental health problems against you, he will cave in and agree to a fairer settlement. I would also make your psychiatrist and therapist aware of your husband's behavior and threats, and the probable link with your mental health issues as the majority of abuse victims suffer from PTSD to some extent. Please don't harm yourself but get outside, specialized, support to help you stand up for yourself and fight for a just outcome for yourself and children.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Hope you are getting the help you need. You deserve to heal from within and in order to do that sometimes it will be hard but you can do it. I believe in you.

 

[Coeur Brise]

I am glad you are still here. we are both in the same place with different circumstances. You must hold on as I must. Do it for your children. They need you more than you could ever know. We both have to be strong. I know you are a kind caring person. Please lean on us here. I am here and understand how you feel. I should probably be in a hospital too. PM me anytime if you want to chat. Sending you all the love and joy you deserve!

 

[oilrag]

I am glad you are still here. we are both in the same place with different circumstances. You must hold on as I must. Do it for your children. They need you more than you could ever know. We both have to be strong. I know you are a kind caring person. Please lean on us here. I am here and understand how you feel. I should probably be in a hospital too. PM me anytime if you want to chat. Sending you all the love and joy you deserve!

I'm sorry I didn't hold on. I was supposed to hold on. I told you I'd hold on, told you you could do it and I'd do it too. I'm sorry I let go for a minute. I'm holding on again, but really struggling. But there's a better way through the pain, death isn't the answer, it just can't be. I'm sorry I messed up. Please hold on.

 

[Coeur Brise]

I am suffering and tomorrow is a terrifying day for me. If I could hold on, then you must as well. I know how much your hurting. I am too. I am starting to think we take our pain with us if we choose to go out that way. Don't you think so as well?

 

[oilrag]

So we dont go out that way. Otherwise its eternal suffering. Instead we stay and fund a way through my friend. Its the only option. @Coeur Brise

 

[Coeur Brise]

Do you believe we would suffer for eternity? that we would go to hell?

 

[oilrag]

No. Not hell. Just that we'd have so much sadness, that we'd see all the sadness left behind in the ones we were only trying to spare, that our eternity would be filled with regret and not peace. I don't believe we'd receive damnation. I believe we'd be met with compassion. but i also believe we'd suffer the pains of regrets always...better to live it out here and receive our peace naturally i think, as unbearable as life gets.

@Coeur Brise

 

[Coeur Brise]

more tears...I don't want to hurt anyone. just end my pain. I don't know that suicide accomplishes anything for myself or family that may or may not be harmed by that action.

 

[oilrag]

@Coeur Brise they would hurt. Your family would hurt. This community would hurt. Deeply. You matter.

 

[Coeur Brise]

@oilrag you matter to your family much more than I do to mine. You are kind and caring. You deserve to be happy and joyous... don't ever forget that. I guess we both just need to hang on for one more day.