Messed up my life, messed up other people's life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Veronique, Dec 10, 2015.

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  1. Veronique

    Veronique New Member

    I am in a relationship with a great guy who loves me. The problem is I never loved him and still can't. Why not escapes me: self-centeredness, selfishness, lack of love. I went into this relationship for security reasons, rather than love. I have a great ability to pull the veil over my own eyes as well as others. I am training as a therapist which is totally ironical. I am lazy, can't get out of bed, and lack discipline. I think I should kill myself now. One of my friends calls me a coward. I think she is right. Except killing yourself is painful. It does require some courage I feel. I am 53. Too old to discover this shadow side of myself that I have allowed to run wild over the years. My friends of 17 years do love me. They think the world of me. The guy I am with thinks the world of me. But I lie, I cheat, and I do not like myself. Never have really. Through the lenses of psychotherapy, I am a malignant narcissistic. Through the eyes of the church, I have committed heinous sins. Mortal sins. I am afraid of death. I wish I could find a way out. I am afraid that if I haven't turned out better than this after years of contact with good people, it will be really hard to mend my ways now. Some Mid-Life crisis...I think it would be better for my friends and lover to attend my funeral, than risk being disappointed in the next few years as they will see the facade crumbling down. Lost all hope, in myself. I can return the house he paid for, but not the training, or the years of love he has given me. No repair possible I am afraid for him. Or his friends who also welcomed me. What a destiny! I wish I had never been born.
     
  2. Veronique

    Veronique New Member

    Oh my god. Is there a pill for bloody-mindedness?
     
  3. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Sorry to butt in and it probably is not my place to say, but it seems to me that if you do not love the guy you are with and only went into the relationship so that you would not feel alone, then it is not really fair to the guy. I mean, you say he loves you a great deal, which generally means putting his whole heart and soul into wanting to be with you and keep you safe and secure, then you really are just playing around with his heart and that is something one should never do to another person, as the heart is the one thing of yourself that you have to give and when you do, you want the person you give it to to cherish it as you would yourself. I realise that you say you are only in it for security reasons, that you do not want to be alone in life, but really, is that a reason why you should toy with someone else's emotions, when you would not want anyone to do the same with your own?
    I really mean no malice in saying that, because I do understand why you feel the way you do in wanting to be in a relationship, but when it comes to the matters of the heart, I just cannot agree that anyone should be in a relationship where they do not feel just as strongly as the other half does and personally speaking, given the choice of being in a relationship or being alone, I would choose to be alone and wait, however long it takes before finding someone to whom I can place my heart and love in.
     
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