I am in a relationship with a great guy who loves me. The problem is I never loved him and still can't. Why not escapes me: self-centeredness, selfishness, lack of love. I went into this relationship for security reasons, rather than love. I have a great ability to pull the veil over my own eyes as well as others. I am training as a therapist which is totally ironical. I am lazy, can't get out of bed, and lack discipline. I think I should kill myself now. One of my friends calls me a coward. I think she is right. Except killing yourself is painful. It does require some courage I feel. I am 53. Too old to discover this shadow side of myself that I have allowed to run wild over the years. My friends of 17 years do love me. They think the world of me. The guy I am with thinks the world of me. But I lie, I cheat, and I do not like myself. Never have really. Through the lenses of psychotherapy, I am a malignant narcissistic. Through the eyes of the church, I have committed heinous sins. Mortal sins. I am afraid of death. I wish I could find a way out. I am afraid that if I haven't turned out better than this after years of contact with good people, it will be really hard to mend my ways now. Some Mid-Life crisis...I think it would be better for my friends and lover to attend my funeral, than risk being disappointed in the next few years as they will see the facade crumbling down. Lost all hope, in myself. I can return the house he paid for, but not the training, or the years of love he has given me. No repair possible I am afraid for him. Or his friends who also welcomed me. What a destiny! I wish I had never been born.