messed up

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Al-dabaraan, Oct 19, 2015.

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  1. Al-dabaraan

    Al-dabaraan Member

    Hello. This is the first time for me to post on this forum. I'm a student in a university.

    I've often had suicidal thoughts in my life ever. Most of those can be said "folly of youth" and in fact I've heard people around me laughed at something like my suicidal thoughts and merely said "Just imagination" or "Do you ask why you feel it? That's simply because you are inexperienced". When I heard these I said in my heart "Yes, probably it's true. I understand what you say. It's my fault. For fear that I make you uncomfortable, I won't talk you about it until it's solved". Then I came to always look for solutions without talking anyone about the problems and I could carry off in many cases, until the period. I also foresaw that some day I would be forced to face what I can't solve in this way, but I couldn't practice an alternative solution before my foreseeing came along. It was totally my fault.

    After the problems had come to the fore, I planned to commit suicide several times. At first I thought how I disposed of my personal belongings. Then I thought where and how I should die. Because I live away from my family at present, if I died around my dwelling(I can't die in my dwelling owing to a certain reason), they should come here to take the corpse, which would exhaust them, I thought. Now I feel as if I were a vinyl record made by piecing fragments of several different records after crushing them. I can't tell what music it plays and the only thing I can tell is that the music sounds weird.

    Sorry about confusing and disgusting text. In recent days it becomes painful for me to write long texts. Even if I can write a text, when I read it from the beginning, it seems too chaotic to revise, and I throw it away. Whatever I say and think seems incredible and ridiculous. I see myself dirty. Furthermore, the strongest feeling at present is that I shouldn't be like this despite receiving a lot of support from the people. For a few months, I repeatedly feel I must improve this situation otherwise I shouldn't live anymore, like useless public works. Despite most readers' wondering what happened to me in fact, I can't explain my personal experience and problems properly and concretely at this time because of what I've written above. Frankly speaking, I still wonder whether to participate in this forum is a good choice. I don't know what I can do here. It might be better for me to consult a doctor or a counsellor rather than to access here.

    More than 3 hours passed after I began to write this. I gradually want to erase everything so I stop writing it now. Usually I NEVER post a failure like this on the Internet. It seems far too childish for a 21 year-old man's writing. But I dare to post it because I feel that I become permanently unable to say anything unless I get out of this closed repeat between writing and disposal.

    If you read it from the beginning, I appreciate your tolerance.
    2 people like this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling so low not a failure you are ill and need support and compassion. I hope it helps you to release your thoughts here it helps me some and also reaching out here or on chat helps in that you do not feel you have to keep everything inside you
    No one judges you here okay we do understand not totally because everyone is different but we get it as we all suffer those thoughts
    hope that coming here helps you
  3. Al-dabaraan

    Al-dabaraan Member

    Thank you, total eclipse,
    This slightly puts me off my fear I feel in saying something. Even though it's slight it's enough for me now. I appreciate the kindness you've shown.

    Although I didn't write it in the first post above, in fact I'm not accustomed to use this language. Speaking more concretely, it takes much time and effort for me to write down my thought in this language and probably I can't chat in it yet. This is one of the reasons I wonder whether I should have join this forum, mentioned in the previous post. But it is a tiny problem for me. I admit that I'm so bad at communicating with others, so it wouldn't be better if I were fluent in it. Thus I decide to make a virtue of necessity.

    Anyway I'm honestly glad to receive your comment. Thanks a lot!
  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to tell you welcome and that I've had no problem understanding you, so please don't hesitate to post more, we're all very friendly here:)
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, i honestly admit i have zero advice but to seek professional help and guidance, have you thought about that? As for the people around you not understanding that is natural because they are not in your shoes. You can keep posting on the boards as an outlet as much as you want. I wish you the best of luck x
  6. Al-dabaraan

    Al-dabaraan Member

    Hello rubroy,
    I've read some of your posts. The decay of myself after entering the university is caused by a few problems with the relationships with some of people around me, even though these problems themselves aren't the biggest matters which brought me to here(I already gave up solving most of them). And then I think you are a person who may have something in common with me.

    However I also know I'm different from you because probably I'm closer to the person who has the trouble with you, than to you. The conspicuous trigger to accelerate my decay was that last year I dared to break off the person who put great confidence in me, despite a very strong reluctance I also had. Because this person seems to get over the difficulty and to succeed in developing new relationships in the aftermath, now I think my choice was good for this person at least, even though I was plunged into darkness as a result.

    To tell the truth, it wasn't my first time to break off somebody but the third time at least as far as I remember. Moreover I've ever done bad things to others far more times (it's like Heinrich's Triangle which says that 30 minor incidents are hidden behind 1 fatal incident). I know why these happened and that's simple; I can't say NO when things are adverse or uncomfortable for me, and I run out of patience at a certain point.
    Leastwise, when I've read your posts, I've thought that what the person whom I suddenly broke off thought and felt at that time may be similar to what you think and feel, although I can't find any appropriate words to tell you now.

    Hello Petal,

    I think it may be better for me to get a psychiatric or psychological explanation for my condition at least once. But I don't expect professionals to determine or get rid of my misery. I also agree that my misery itself can't be utterly understood and solved by anybody but me, as many of the members in this forum say. You said that you have zero advice but it's righteous because I haven't let you know about me. Thus I don't require you (and other members) to give advice immediately. What I can tell you now is just that if you have something to tell me about what I say hereafter, it's good for me to hear it. And if you want me the same I'll do so.

    For several years I have the private Twitter account which follows nobody and has no follwers, and I've written down my thought there. At the moment that Twitter account is the only place where I can write down anything with a little hesitation. As it may sound peculiar, even though texts in that place can't be seen anybody but me (and Twitter Inc.), I still hesitate to write down my thought there. I vaguely know the reason of this, but it doesn't become clear enough to explain here..

    I have one thing which I want to ask either of you if I'm allowed to ask: why can you be so friendly despite the difficulties that each of you are thrown into? Or in other words, what makes you so friendly?

    At present I can no longer think I'm friendly to others because I can't ensure that I'm harmless. In addition, when I have the good fortune that people show me their kindness, I fundamentally feel nothing more than relief. For fear that they see me weird when it comes to light, however, I can't stop trying to behave as if I had emotions as well as an ordinary person had. That's why whatever I think and say (and even feel) seems quite incredible. Therefore when I say or do something good for others, I always feel I'm nothing other than a nasty hypocrite. Thinking about it, I can't figure out what is better, and as a result, I lose motivation for everything. Probably I'm a total coward.

    There is the short novel titled "Run, Melos!" the author of which was Osamu Dazai(he ended his life at 48 in suicide with his wife). If you don't know and are interested in, you can read it from here (it's not so long). Whenever I read it, I think I'm quite similar to the very distrustful, cruel king in this story. This is nothing more than a kind of fairy tale so he is forgiven at the end, but who on earth forgives a mass murderer like him in our world, only hearing him apologizing?

    ..I've become too negative. Even though I try not to incline toward destructive thinking, when I describe my thought now, I can't help but saying like this. To be clear, however, I emphasize that it doesn't mean that I look any people who try to do good things to others as hypocrites. I don't mind whether others are hypocrites, because the one who should determine it isn't me, but the one who receives support from them. In case that I'm receiving, if the support is effective then there is no need to see the supporter as a hypocrite, and even if the support isn't effective, I can't conclude that the supporter is inadequate or all talk and no action, because I've known that it is hard to support somebody for real.

    Anyway I want to know how to be friendly. I'm very tired of playing with the distorted philosophy in my mind. I also want to be friendly if I can.
    Last of all, I appreciate both of you a lot.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2015
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    This is a comforting outlet for you and actually a very good one, I'd never heard of people doing that before so maybe others can learn from you and that. Just do you know we have a diary section here and a private diary section (I'm making good use of that one myself) :)

    I am friendly to my other peers because I feel we are all in this together. I know you are new but trust me if you needed help you would get it no doubt. I am also friendly because I know what it's like to feel that down and low. I was so suicidal once that I ended up on a life machine support and in a coma. With therapy and medication I am doing just fine! Everyone here is lovely too, we do not allow people to be rude or talk down of others, that's what makes this place special. Hugs to you xx
  8. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Al dabaran, I'm not sure how to answer all your questions just yet, and sometimes there may be a delay in my responses because of the large time zone difference(you are 13 hours ahead of me) but I can answer for certain that people on hear are friendly because we empathize with one another very easily. We all may have different circumstances but we all have suffer from the same feelings and thoughts. You have come to a good place and I want you to know that there will always be people here to support you in a crisis.
  9. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I would like to welcome you as well Al-dabaraan, you appear to be honest and unafraid of saying what you feel and what you mean, we might not all understand some of what you say, we don't have to, some of the therapy in this room is done just by the act of writing it down as you do in your twitter account! You were doing it already before you came here, just in part though, now you are writing it down and having it read by others as well as getting positive feedback, how you receive that is up to you. I am glad to see you had some fear when you first came here an then acknowledged that you had some relief, that is a positive! I am glad to have you here, it is a challenge for some of us I think to try an follow your line or reasoning and you are learning a little more about how we think an feel as well, I am glad that you appear to feel more comfortable in here, you are very welcome here, we honestly care as well! I would say to you, Be gentle on yourself! Thank you, For reading and hearing my words!
  10. Al-dabaraan

    Al-dabaraan Member

    To everyone who gave comments in this thread, I'm thankful to you, each of the comments was helpful for me to organize my thought and know how the people here is, but finally I begin to lose the energy to reply.. I'm sorry I can't say anything positive now after all because whenever I try to be positive, I hear a voice repeatedly saying "you have no right to be positive or happy", and it drains nearly all of my energy. Although I know I must keep fighting against that voice, I'm almost unable to do. I can also type here like "Your words made me feel better!:) Thank you!!!;);)" in order to reassure the person who tries to cheer me up and this is same as what I've always done in the real world, but it just makes me feel empty and therefore now I can't help but admit the fact as I said above.
    I decide to consult a professional about my problems and begin to look for a clinic nearby where I live.
    At the end, I wish all of you have good luck. Thanks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2015
  11. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I hope that you can stop back at some point, maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week, sometime to tell us how and what you are doing as well as how you at that time feel about us, this may be a one time thing for you, some in here it is more, much more. Some of us may not be here when you return but we will know you! I wish you the best, for 5 days you were with us here, just because you have gone does not mean that we care or think about you any less! May you find the peace that you are looking for!
  12. Al-dabaraan

    Al-dabaraan Member

    I read my previous post from the beginning again and find that it may be regarded as the declaration that I leave here.. Oops. I'm not going to do so. What I just wanna say is that I have to get an explanation from a professional in order to improve my condition, in addition to doing something here. Apparently I didn't put what I wanted to say into words properly. Don't mind.
  13. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am glad, Al-dabaraan, for several things, 1, That I was correct in feeling that was what you were saying. 2, That it was an error in what you meant to say. 3. That you are staying 4. That you are getting some professional help., I do not know if you need it, I am saying that it is better in my mind at least that you will be at least a little more sure, in your own mind at least of what you are dealing with! Thank You! I feel that you are and will be a positive influence for some in here.
  14. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Hi Al-dabaraan

    I read your welcome post now (and some but not all of the comments in this thread).
    I have actually read the first part of "Run, Melos" and skimmed over the other two parts,
    because if you ask me it is more or less the same story as in "Die B├╝rgschaft" by Friedrich Schiller,
    which was written way before (1799 according to Wikipedia). I then went on to realize that it
    stemmed from an even more ancient story. This is something I didn't realize when reading
    "Die B├╝rgschaft". I think the story has persisted through these ages because in some way things
    just seem odd in it, and then there is this extreme depiction of friendship.

    Anyway I think you write English really well, it's not a native language to me neither, so you
    might not want to listen to me regarding these matters though. ;)

    I think it's really awesome if you get yourself some professional help. You are right in having
    realistic expectations and not just mistakenly assuming that it will solve all your issues just like that
    but I don't think you should expect it to not help you at all. Depending on the kind of professional
    (however I don't know the full situation in your country altough I heard it's kind of different than
    in my country) they can prescribe you medications that might help you fight the negative mood
    or therapy that goes more in depth and for example provides you with means to fight against
    your negative self talk.

    Regarding your Twitter account I don't know whether you want to try writing physically. I like
    to write a lot of shit online or offline on my laptop, but when my emotions are really overwhelming
    writing on paper has proven to be more efficient. Also sometimes you can try writing in a foreign
    language since it might allow you to look at your issues more objectively and find better ways to
    move forward. I do this aswell since when I speak or write in English I don't feel the same direct
    connection as when I speak and think in my native language.

  15. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Let me add my welcomes to those above. I am glad you found us and are able to share some things with us. A support system is something very important in helping the healing process. It is rarely something one can do alone, although when depressed or suicidal, it seems the last thing we want to do is let somebody in. Keep searching for answers and advocate for yourself. Change in the thinking process can be very slow so you do need to have patience, but in the end you can feel better.
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