Hello. This is the first time for me to post on this forum. I'm a student in a university. I've often had suicidal thoughts in my life ever. Most of those can be said "folly of youth" and in fact I've heard people around me laughed at something like my suicidal thoughts and merely said "Just imagination" or "Do you ask why you feel it? That's simply because you are inexperienced". When I heard these I said in my heart "Yes, probably it's true. I understand what you say. It's my fault. For fear that I make you uncomfortable, I won't talk you about it until it's solved". Then I came to always look for solutions without talking anyone about the problems and I could carry off in many cases, until the period. I also foresaw that some day I would be forced to face what I can't solve in this way, but I couldn't practice an alternative solution before my foreseeing came along. It was totally my fault. After the problems had come to the fore, I planned to commit suicide several times. At first I thought how I disposed of my personal belongings. Then I thought where and how I should die. Because I live away from my family at present, if I died around my dwelling(I can't die in my dwelling owing to a certain reason), they should come here to take the corpse, which would exhaust them, I thought. Now I feel as if I were a vinyl record made by piecing fragments of several different records after crushing them. I can't tell what music it plays and the only thing I can tell is that the music sounds weird. Sorry about confusing and disgusting text. In recent days it becomes painful for me to write long texts. Even if I can write a text, when I read it from the beginning, it seems too chaotic to revise, and I throw it away. Whatever I say and think seems incredible and ridiculous. I see myself dirty. Furthermore, the strongest feeling at present is that I shouldn't be like this despite receiving a lot of support from the people. For a few months, I repeatedly feel I must improve this situation otherwise I shouldn't live anymore, like useless public works. Despite most readers' wondering what happened to me in fact, I can't explain my personal experience and problems properly and concretely at this time because of what I've written above. Frankly speaking, I still wonder whether to participate in this forum is a good choice. I don't know what I can do here. It might be better for me to consult a doctor or a counsellor rather than to access here. More than 3 hours passed after I began to write this. I gradually want to erase everything so I stop writing it now. Usually I NEVER post a failure like this on the Internet. It seems far too childish for a 21 year-old man's writing. But I dare to post it because I feel that I become permanently unable to say anything unless I get out of this closed repeat between writing and disposal. If you read it from the beginning, I appreciate your tolerance.