messed up ?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by shadowheart, Oct 6, 2008.

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  1. shadowheart

    shadowheart Well-Known Member

    hey,
    This is my first real post, and im kind of scared that you will all ignore it.... dunno

    anyway.....a little while ago. i met someone. they made me feel very happy. and....he kind of pressured me to stop cutting and get over my depression...and well. he made me happy and it hurt him so much when i cut and didnt eat...so i stopped.....but...i was very addicted to what i was doing.....so i think i stopped sooner than i should hav.
    as such, i still feel just like i used to ... but i no longer express it with cutting and crying etc.....so, its all still inside me....i just cover it up with being 'happy' coz it makes him happier.....
    most other people are happier now too....like my family....they think im all better, so they let me be alone more....and are proud of me...or so they say......
    i dont know.....i guess i miss being depressed and being able to show it....

    i didnt get to stop when i was ready....and now i feel like im not...whole....like a part of me went missing when i stpped cutting....
    i think i was actually happier then....i looked in the mirror, and the girl with the blood running down hre body was me.....now...i look....and its not....it fake me....that smiles to make everyone else happy.....

    is it wrong of me to feel like this??? to miss what everyone says is so bad???
    to want to go back to who i was back then...???
    am i sick for enjoying my depression??? (please dont get me wrong, it wasnt for attention or anything...i tried to hide it.....i just felt so much more like myself.....like i was finally being who i wasment to be)

    thnx for reading.......please comment and tell me what you think.....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2008
  2. shadowheart

    shadowheart Well-Known Member

    wow, i wanna give a big thanks to all the people who read this and say nothing.....im asking for help, anything will do.....tell me something....anything....this really bothers me.....i need help.....:sad:
     
  3. Theory

    Theory Well-Known Member

    i feel like that sometimes also, no you're not sick... it's normal because in a way we get the attention we dont want but deep inside we need it even when it makes us feel sick to gahve all the eyes turned towards us... u understand right?

    I cut, and im depressed. I cut cause it makes me feel better, im depressed cause ive lost a deep cherished friend..

    find whts makes u really wanna cut. find what really makes you depressed.

    btw: i also hide it all behind a mask. :sad: its hard, but no one worrys and we can go freestyle... :sad::mellow: :hug:
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry I didn't see this earlier shadowheart. Your feelings are normal for the issues you are trying to refrain from doing. If you stop before you are ready, then the lingering desires are still fairly strong. The longer you can stay away from doing it, they will start to lessen over time until it becomes only an occasional tug. I am glad you found something that was strong enough a pull to keep you from SI. Resist the urges to do it again as that will reinforce the desire and it will become stronger again. You have gone this far, continue on from here. :hug:
     
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