messy life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shoshana, Aug 3, 2012.

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  1. Shoshana

    Shoshana Member

    sometimes my life feels like one of those houses on hoarders. stuffed through the cracks with garbage and memories and so much fucking baggage i cant even lay down. and i'll never be ale to get it clean enough to share with another person.

    no one can know how messy my mind is.

    and its almost like i keep settling on suicide because i just can't get anywhere else.

    . is life worth it or is it not? will i ever change? will i ever get back the people i've pushed away ?why the fuck are we here?

    how does anything ever matter?

    and we can't take things to hard, because life is short anyway and never promised.

    i wish i could imagine something better. i wish death didnt keep surfacing in my head, like whales coming up for air.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I like watching that show 'Hoarders, Buried Alive,' because it shows just how easily one's home can become filled with garbage, if we are not careful. These past few months, my parents and I have worked to get rid of a lot of old stuff from our basement that was just sitting around in boxes. It takes time to clean things out of your home. Do a little every day. Only keep things that are useful now or may be useful in the future, but get rid of useless things. And avoid being emotionally attached to objects. They are just things at the end of the day. :hug:
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Sounds a lot like my life, messy mind, garbage stuffed in cracks, memories, pushing people away.
    When I'm in a bad place, depressed or full of anxiety, all I can focus on is the flaws in my life. When I'm in a good place, I can put all the failures and damage in a different perspective, then they're not obstructing the better things that are in my life. When I can do that, I can understand that there are still good things in my life. It's taking a while for me, doctors, psych wards, medication, I still struggle.
    Too messy to share with another person? Me, too. Baggage ? Lots of it. I don't think there is anyone completely free of baggage and regrets. So you can still share it with another person - they probably have their own garbage. The trick is to find someone who can accept you as you are, but you'll probably have to accept them with all of their flaws, too.
    Getting back the people you've pushed away? I haven't been able to do it. Some of them, yes. And I try to cherish them, "life is short and nothing is promised". The others? Probably not. And that's ok, gives me more time and attention to share with the few that could deal with my frustrations, confusion and mood swings.
    How does anything matter? It has whatever importance we attach to it. We get to choose to pay attention to something and that gives it meaning. Sometimes I can't even do that, especially when I'm depressed. Then there are occasional moments of clarity when I can recognize what is meaningful to me. But when the depression comes back in, all I can see is the negative things in my mind and life. Those are the times when it seems like nothing matters.

    I don't think I'll ever be without those thoughts of death, but I'm trying to learn that I can have those thoughts, and not have to act on them.
  4. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    One of the lines in your post struck me, "and we can't take things to hard". Such a statement, is so untrue... because we, as humans DO take things hard. We are designed to feel, and our thoughts are what create our feelings; and one of the pivotal points of being a human is our capacity to think, comprehend, ration, question, solve etc... that's what our species spends the most time doing.

    There will be things that we take hard, so the idea that we shouldn't do that, is like trying to say, we shouldn't be human...we shouldn't feel... we shouldn't be allowed to have an opinion etc...

    It's taking away the validation of humanity itself. It just seems a bit absurd to me, is all... like just because life is short for some, or all, and because it's not "promised" doesn't mean that we automatically must live in this bubble, and constantly be taking everything at it's happiest point. That's an illusion in itself, and a lie for anyone who lives like that too. It's irrational to live as if everything is absolutely fine, and nothing ever goes wrong etc... those people are not quite getting life either.... they see life through a window that they will always be imprisoned in. That reality grasp that never comes either.

    Just as you feel you are imprisoned, but quite the opposite...the bubble has burst... so you see everything now. No protection. Just a huge mess of everything at once.

    Could I offer you something to think about though? I have a small inkling that the "death" idea is surfacing in your head, because your mind and body are trying to indicate greater needs that are not being satisfied. Perhaps you have realized this by now... but that "something better", is whatever needs are actually fuelling these heavy thoughts for you.

    I am talking about the core needs, and being as aware as you are, gives you the chance to sit down and figure out what those needs are. It gives you a chance at a real life... because it gives you the opportunity to learn what would truly make your life worth while, or make you happy, or make you comfortable, or make you tick etc...
  5. Shoshana

    Shoshana Member

    i like watching those shows too, this was more a metaphor about the way my mind works, i'm not actually a hoarder...but thanks for the advice...
  6. Shoshana

    Shoshana Member

    i in no way meant that we always have to see the happy side of things. that is absurd.
    there's a poem that i was paraphrasing there, and it goes " be not too hard, for life is short, and nothing is given to man"

    and the point is nothing is permanent, that everything, the good the bad the amazing will all fade away in the end. so its important to keep that perspective in everything you do. dont judge others or yourself too hard.

    my post is about knowing this is true, and still struggling with meaning in my own life.

  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Sorry, I kind of misinterpreted your post. Nice metaphor use. I think it's easy to focus on the negative things going on in our lives and forget the positive things that we have to be thankful for. It sounds like you need a strategy to clear your mind. Have you tried yoga or meditation for that purpose? When one's house is full of garbage, the solution is simple. Get rid of the garbage, but there is no easy solution to get rid of memories.
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