Sorry this is so long-- So I think I've come to a decision to kill myself. I've been trying to methodically plan and prepare things so that 1) it will give me time to think it over thoroughly and be sure it's what I want and 2) I'll leave less of a mess behind, as far as physical possessions go at least. I guess the main question is why. I'm well-educated, not hurting for money, and I've lived in places all over the world. I like my job and the city where I live. I think loneliness is my biggest problem. And it's mostly my fault. I'm a friendly, jovial kind of jokester to my acquaintances, but to my friends I haven't always been kind. I tend to be quite witty but not think about how hurtful or intimidating I can be. I'm exhausting to be around, I guess. And I've always felt different from other people--I never wanted to do the normal things that normal people want to do, like get married, have children, talk about movie stars and fashion, buy a house, etc. I was always too busy flying off to Indonesia, or wherever was next. I'm bipolar, but stable for now. I'm on lithium, which seems to work fine. I've never had a huge number of friends, but most of the ones I had were scared off by my diagnosis (and associated behavior--I tend to go into "performance art" mode when manic) several years ago. I used to be considered quite beautiful and had lots of boyfriends, but psychiatric meds have packed 60 pounds on me, and no one's interested anymore. I've tried the geographic fix many times--but you know, wherever you go, there you are. And now, because I've moved every 1 or 2 years throughout my adult life, I find that I don't know anyone where I live except for people I work with. And I've lost contact with people I've known in other places. Most people my age already have enough friends, I've found. They also have spouses, children, dogs, and lovers. I've lived here 3 years, and no change. I've had therapists before, but they aren't any help at all. I just end up resenting them because they want me to be all mushy about feelings and stuff, just like my mother after she beat me. I find the entire process manipulative, simpleminded, and counterproductive. I went to the gym 5 times per week for over a year and worked out hard with a personal trainer, but no weight came off and I didn't feel any different. I volunteered for a local theatre company, but I found once again that theatre types are quite cliquish. I volunteered for a local political party, but they're all nuts! I tried personal ads, but men don't like fat women, much less if they're intelligent. Also, the city I live in isn't very large, so it's hard anyway. The first couple of years I went shopping, took kayaking lessons, took guitar lessons, took salsa lessons, got manicures, went hiking, went to performances, joined writers groups, went to the coast, etc. etc. anything, anything. But for the past year or so I've given up on all that too. For me, nothing means anything if I'm completely in isolation. What's the point of any of it? I'm an extrovert, a social person. Now I'm pretty much at a standstill. I smoke a lot of marijuana (which keeps the desperation down to a dull gnaw) and watch a lot of TV and read a lot of books. I have no social life whatsoever. People at work think I'm a funny happy person. But they can't do anything for me. They're work people. Everyone has their own lives, their own problems. They don't want to be challenged by challenging friends. They don't want to play word games with me. What I'm going to do is get refunds on all my retirement accounts and get money orders for all of it so I can mail the money (maybe $25K) to my only friend, who's in a dire financial situation in another state. I've contacted all three agencies with whom I have funds, and I think getting the money will take about six weeks. This will allow time for me to get my tax return back too. Anyway, I don't want my money to go through probate, and my family's relatively well-off, so they don't need the money. Pay off my car loan and get the title so no one has to look for it. <mod edit: bunny - method> Get rid of everything I own. I live alone and don't know anyone, so this won't seem strange. I've started getting rid of my books (I have lots). Really, I don't own that much anyway--just two carloads. But I'll have to leave my office intact enough to avert suspicion. I don't think I'll leave a note--really, what can you say? I'll leave my apartment empty, containing nothing but my purse and a few papers. And as far as loved ones are concerned: At this point, I have two family members: my 89 year old grandmother, and my mother. I can't stand my mother (childhood abuse). I will be sorry to do this to my grandmother--I call her and talk with her every single day--but she comes from an extremely (like 105+) long-lived family and I can't wait for her. I'll be sorry to leave my one friend and he'll be angry with me of course, but I can't wait for him either. I doubt he'll burn the money orders, though.