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Sorry this is so long--

So I think I've come to a decision to kill myself. I've been trying to methodically plan and prepare things so that 1) it will give me time to think it over thoroughly and be sure it's what I want and 2) I'll leave less of a mess behind, as far as physical possessions go at least.

I guess the main question is why. I'm well-educated, not hurting for money, and I've lived in places all over the world. I like my job and the city where I live.

I think loneliness is my biggest problem. And it's mostly my fault. I'm a friendly, jovial kind of jokester to my acquaintances, but to my friends I haven't always been kind. I tend to be quite witty but not think about how hurtful or intimidating I can be. I'm exhausting to be around, I guess. And I've always felt different from other people--I never wanted to do the normal things that normal people want to do, like get married, have children, talk about movie stars and fashion, buy a house, etc. I was always too busy flying off to Indonesia, or wherever was next.

I'm bipolar, but stable for now. I'm on lithium, which seems to work fine. I've never had a huge number of friends, but most of the ones I had were scared off by my diagnosis (and associated behavior--I tend to go into "performance art" mode when manic) several years ago. I used to be considered quite beautiful and had lots of boyfriends, but psychiatric meds have packed 60 pounds on me, and no one's interested anymore.

I've tried the geographic fix many times--but you know, wherever you go, there you are. And now, because I've moved every 1 or 2 years throughout my adult life, I find that I don't know anyone where I live except for people I work with. And I've lost contact with people I've known in other places. Most people my age already have enough friends, I've found. They also have spouses, children, dogs, and lovers. I've lived here 3 years, and no change.

I've had therapists before, but they aren't any help at all. I just end up resenting them because they want me to be all mushy about feelings and stuff, just like my mother after she beat me. I find the entire process manipulative, simpleminded, and counterproductive.

I went to the gym 5 times per week for over a year and worked out hard with a personal trainer, but no weight came off and I didn't feel any different.

I volunteered for a local theatre company, but I found once again that theatre types are quite cliquish.

I volunteered for a local political party, but they're all nuts!

I tried personal ads, but men don't like fat women, much less if they're intelligent. Also, the city I live in isn't very large, so it's hard anyway.

The first couple of years I went shopping, took kayaking lessons, took guitar lessons, took salsa lessons, got manicures, went hiking, went to performances, joined writers groups, went to the coast, etc. etc. anything, anything. But for the past year or so I've given up on all that too. For me, nothing means anything if I'm completely in isolation. What's the point of any of it? I'm an extrovert, a social person.

Now I'm pretty much at a standstill. I smoke a lot of marijuana (which keeps the desperation down to a dull gnaw) and watch a lot of TV and read a lot of books. I have no social life whatsoever. People at work think I'm a funny happy person. But they can't do anything for me. They're work people.

Everyone has their own lives, their own problems. They don't want to be challenged by challenging friends. They don't want to play word games with me.

What I'm going to do is get refunds on all my retirement accounts and get money orders for all of it so I can mail the money (maybe $25K) to my only friend, who's in a dire financial situation in another state. I've contacted all three agencies with whom I have funds, and I think getting the money will take about six weeks. This will allow time for me to get my tax return back too. Anyway, I don't want my money to go through probate, and my family's relatively well-off, so they don't need the money.

Pay off my car loan and get the title so no one has to look for it.

<mod edit: bunny - method>

Get rid of everything I own. I live alone and don't know anyone, so this won't seem strange. I've started getting rid of my books (I have lots). Really, I don't own that much anyway--just two carloads. But I'll have to leave my office intact enough to avert suspicion.

I don't think I'll leave a note--really, what can you say? I'll leave my apartment empty, containing nothing but my purse and a few papers.

And as far as loved ones are concerned:
At this point, I have two family members: my 89 year old grandmother, and my mother. I can't stand my mother (childhood abuse). I will be sorry to do this to my grandmother--I call her and talk with her every single day--but she comes from an extremely (like 105+) long-lived family and I can't wait for her. I'll be sorry to leave my one friend and he'll be angry with me of course, but I can't wait for him either. I doubt he'll burn the money orders, though.
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Hey. LOVE the Hamlet reference BTW. You sound like a really intelligent and thoughtful person. It would be sad to have you leave the Earth like this. You say you like to read...maybe join a book club? You seem very social and gregarious. It's hard when you move around a lot. PM me if you want. For what it's worth, I think you would be doing the wrong thing by committing suicide. You seem really cool :)


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Maybe the boys you were used to taking interest in you no longer do so, however I 'm fairly sure there's a good number of people, men included, who would enjoy the companionship of a person such as you present yourself.
such as you present yourself.
Love the qualifier.

Did you ever read the book by Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child? I found it very relevant to my life. The core premise is that in the face of family trauma, a bright child will often try to comfort and please the caregiver by becoming overly acquiescent. Because the child is so talented in so many areas, she succeeds too well, never figuring out who she really is or really wants to be, because she is swallowed by the mirror role, pleasing others.
. . . You sound like a really intelligent and thoughtful person . . . You say you like to read...maybe join a book club? . . . You seem really cool :)
Yes, good idea. I have joined several book clubs over the years, but didn't click with anyone.

Thanks for the compliments, but I've found that being intelligent is more of a hindrance than a help.

People usually like me when they meet me, as I'm pretty good at presentation. I've never not gotten a job I applied for. Actually I'm really really good at presentation--too good. I modify the packaging based on the audience.

But I've found that people become pretty disenchanted once they realize how bone-deep and intractable my pessimism is, how hollow my playacting. Who can blame them? Who wants to be around a bunch of negativity, no matter how wittily it's presented? This is America, damn it. People like happy people. People like dolphins and plushy toys.


Well-Known Member
In your original post you say you have kept travelling throughout your adult life, yet end up talking about the american people.

I have not read the book you mention and it would be unlikely that I read a book containing the word drama in its title. Am I stirring away from negativity? More like, finding it pointless. The child you describe there is a person lacking a purpose in life. Isn't this why people contemplate suicide in the vast majority of cases anyway? Lacking a purpose worth enduring the pain of this life. As far as I'm concerned, noone can truthfully answer the question of what a human's purpose in life is. Hence, I see no reason to be either positive or negative about it.

You suggest that intelligence is intimidating for anyone who could connect with you; that's quite far from the truth, there are people who appreciate a thoughtful companion.


Well-Known Member
Apparently I don't quite grasp what you 're saying and you wish to cut this discussion short. It just might be the other way around, since I don't try to encourage anyone in either direction.

My words are far from wise. I would very much appreciate it if you would share your wisdom, as negative as it is.


Well-Known Member
Hi Lily, you are obviously very intelligent and creative! And you have a very wide variety of interests. Suicide is definitely not the answer for this, because it never is. In your case though, perhaps like you said, the problem is simply that you're lonely. If you are really interested in fixing that, then you should probably seek to temper your intelligence with time for your potential spouse. And yes, men do like intelligent women as long as common interests are shared and she doesn't have a chip on her shoulder. Please don't even consider suicide, as that will only create problems for those who know you. You can IM me at rayden291 at yahoo dot com if you ever feel like talking.
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