At around 1.10am on 3/18/2008, after a big fight with my darling, I took <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> of a certain anti-depression pill infront of her. Then i immediately drove back to my office and sat on the sofa. I think i fell asleep or became unconscious. My brother and workers discovered me 8 hours later when they came to work. They found me locked myself inside the toilet. I was sitting next to the toilet bowl with a bottle of distilled water next to me. I had totally no memory of myself walking to the toilet. When i took the pills infront of her, she was not sure how many i took. And she thought i was just taking a few pills to frighten her. Though she felt something was wrong after I left, and she tried to drive around to search for me (as i may have lost the ability to drive and stopped somewhere along the road), but she couldn't found me. She didn't dare to call me for fear my family members would picked up the phone and blame her. Another reason she didn't call is her pride. But eventually after 2 days, she found out i was in serious condition in the hospital. Her family members persuaded her to come see me as i may not survive. I thought that 8 hours should be enough for anyone to try save my life, but i was wrong. I am immortal. I woke up to the sound of my darling calling me at around 9pm+ on 3/22/2008. Then i realised i was in the hospital. That I had committed suicide and ended up here. I had absolutely no memory of what happen from the time i sat on the sofa to the time i woke up. I was in the Intensive Care Unit for about 7 days. I had tubes going through my throat and i was told they inserted 2 other tubes via my neck. 3 days after I woke up. I started to pass the charcoal waste out of my body. There was so much charcoal being pumped into my body to absorb the poison. So much it is enough to fill a big bucket. The waste were so huge in size they caused pain in my anal for weeks. Caused me lost the ability to control my motion. My mind was was constantly having illusions and whenever i close my eyes i could feel the world spinning. Especially true when i sit on a wheelchair. Whenever i close my eyes, i feel the wheelchair turning circles, it was so real. I somehow realise anti-depression pills may have some sort of chemical to make the patients feel high. Other side effects include inability to feel urge to urine. I could sit for minutes before urine comes out. And when i pass motion, urine just come without warning. My penis became small like a little boy's for at least 3 weeks and i hardly able to have an erection. For weeks everything i ate was bitter in taste. my tongue was numb and couldn't differentiate taste. Whats worse was sometimes the bitter taste of the pills start making its way up my throat and that alone made me felt like vomitting. It was after 2 months that this bitter effect finally gone but sometimes i still feel an urge to vomit. What my loved one said to me when i finally woke up from coma was really only thing that is going to bring me smiles whenever i think back. And she was crying and begging me to wake up. She told me if I love her i have to stand up again. That she can't live without me. It was those words that i decided to give myself a 2nd chance to try to live. To believe she will finally treat me better and love me more. When i left the hospital. I had lost about 12 lbs of weight. I could hardly walk without anyone's support as I can't really feel my left leg. One year has passed, i can still feel a bit of numbness in my left leg but i don't have to limp like i did the first few months. Life was good during the 10 days I stay with darling who took care of me and love me. She gave me so much love during my stay with her. But it wasn't really working. I realise i was still very lonely and unhappy after trying to live for the first 2 months. My darling had gone back to her foul temper and treated me bad again. She scolded me whenever i mentioned her promise to treat me better. I really wonder why i was not dead. I did a search on the net and anybody who took more than <methods> pills will not survive. I took <methods>. One year has passed, there isn't a day pass without thinking why i am still alive. I really don't know why i feel like ending my life ever since i was young. I asked 'God' why he let me live again. If there is a task for me to fulfill, then please let me know. I want to fulfill it fast and end my life. And i still curse the Gods for waking me up. Whenenever i had a big fight with my darling, i would blame her for waking me up. I still wish to end my life. But i have such fear with pills now. The bitter taste and the side effects. I thought about driving my car <methods>. And i found a place and experimented by testing if my car will reach at least <methods>. Yet, this way may not be the best. I could still survive and end up worse off with hands or legs lost, or forever lying on bed. Why i have decided to put this up on this forum. Many persons who know me personally, agreed that my life is worse now. It was better I didn't survive. During this entire year, i spent my life trying to help my darling financially, not to mention my credit cards are blocked because of spending money on buying gifts for her which i got no way to pay back. Now, i owe the banks and friends in excess of 6 digit figure. And i got no income to pay this back. Most of this money has gone to help my darling. I wouldn't mind much about the money though. Because sometimes to see her smile is enough to make me forget my problems. However, her foul temper has ruined everything in this relationship. Whenever she is angry, she would scold me like i am worst off than a dog. If only she treats me better, i would have wanted to live more. And it was the reason i killed myself in March 2008. Last Month, 5th May 2009, i had a big fight with her again. I took some of the same kind of pills again infront of her. But 2 hours later, i was vomitting voilently and i drove myself to the hospital. I was there for 4 days. In the normal ward. There was nothing serious this time. Just feeliing very tired as I think most of the poison already left my body when i vomitted. And I only took a <methods> I felt i was ready to leave the hospital on the 2nd day but the doctors refused to discharge me. Because my heart rate was fast. Even when i was asleep, my heart rate was over 80 bpm. I guess that would be the last time i will ever think of taking pills to end my life. Many things have changed over the past few weeks. I have now stopped cursing the Gods. Instead I pray to them everyday. I thank them for a 2nd chance. I can't deny that when things get a bit rough, I will think about death again. In fact, I still pray to God that my life ends sooner. But, at the same time, I pray for better days to come. Ironic. And sometimes, Pathetic.