<methods> pills, i am still alive.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Prometheus Louie, Jun 27, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. At around 1.10am on 3/18/2008, after a big fight with my darling, I took <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> of a certain anti-depression pill infront of her. Then i immediately drove back to my office and sat on the sofa. I think i fell asleep or became unconscious. My brother and workers discovered me 8 hours later when they came to work. They found me locked myself inside the toilet. I was sitting next to the toilet bowl with a bottle of distilled water next to me. I had totally no memory of myself walking to the toilet.

    When i took the pills infront of her, she was not sure how many i took. And she thought i was just taking a few pills to frighten her. Though she felt something was wrong after I left, and she tried to drive around to search for me (as i may have lost the ability to drive and stopped somewhere along the road), but she couldn't found me. She didn't dare to call me for fear my family members would picked up the phone and blame her. Another reason she didn't call is her pride. But eventually after 2 days, she found out i was in serious condition in the hospital. Her family members persuaded her to come see me as i may not survive.

    I thought that 8 hours should be enough for anyone to try save my life, but i was wrong. I am immortal.
    I woke up to the sound of my darling calling me at around 9pm+ on 3/22/2008. Then i realised i was in the hospital. That I had committed suicide and ended up here. I had absolutely no memory of what happen from the time i sat on the sofa to the time i woke up. I was in the Intensive Care Unit for about 7 days. I had tubes going through my throat and i was told they inserted 2 other tubes via my neck.
    3 days after I woke up. I started to pass the charcoal waste out of my body. There was so much charcoal being pumped into my body to absorb the poison. So much it is enough to fill a big bucket. The waste were so huge in size they caused pain in my anal for weeks. Caused me lost the ability to control my motion.
    My mind was was constantly having illusions and whenever i close my eyes i could feel the world spinning. Especially true when i sit on a wheelchair. Whenever i close my eyes, i feel the wheelchair turning circles, it was so real. I somehow realise anti-depression pills may have some sort of chemical to make the patients feel high.
    Other side effects include inability to feel urge to urine. I could sit for minutes before urine comes out. And when i pass motion, urine just come without warning.
    My penis became small like a little boy's for at least 3 weeks and i hardly able to have an erection.
    For weeks everything i ate was bitter in taste. my tongue was numb and couldn't differentiate taste. Whats worse was sometimes the bitter taste of the pills start making its way up my throat and that alone made me felt like vomitting. It was after 2 months that this bitter effect finally gone but sometimes i still feel an urge to vomit.

    What my loved one said to me when i finally woke up from coma was really only thing that is going to bring me smiles whenever i think back. And she was crying and begging me to wake up. She told me if I love her i have to stand up again. That she can't live without me.
    It was those words that i decided to give myself a 2nd chance to try to live. To believe she will finally treat me better and love me more.

    When i left the hospital. I had lost about 12 lbs of weight. I could hardly walk without anyone's support as I can't really feel my left leg.
    One year has passed, i can still feel a bit of numbness in my left leg but i don't have to limp like i did the first few months.

    Life was good during the 10 days I stay with darling who took care of me and love me. She gave me so much love during my stay with her.
    But it wasn't really working. I realise i was still very lonely and unhappy after trying to live for the first 2 months. My darling had gone back to her foul temper and treated me bad again.
    She scolded me whenever i mentioned her promise to treat me better.

    I really wonder why i was not dead. I did a search on the net and anybody who took more than <methods> pills will not survive. I took <methods>.

    One year has passed, there isn't a day pass without thinking why i am still alive. I really don't know why i feel like ending my life ever since i was young.
    I asked 'God' why he let me live again. If there is a task for me to fulfill, then please let me know. I want to fulfill it fast and end my life.
    And i still curse the Gods for waking me up. Whenenever i had a big fight with my darling, i would blame her for waking me up.

    I still wish to end my life. But i have such fear with pills now. The bitter taste and the side effects.
    I thought about driving my car <methods>. And i found a place and experimented by testing if my car will reach at least <methods>. Yet, this way may not be the best. I could still survive and end up worse off with hands or legs lost, or forever lying on bed.

    Why i have decided to put this up on this forum.
    Many persons who know me personally, agreed that my life is worse now. It was better I didn't survive.
    During this entire year, i spent my life trying to help my darling financially, not to mention my credit cards are blocked because of spending money on buying gifts for her which i got no way to pay back. Now, i owe the banks and friends in excess of 6 digit figure. And i got no income to pay this back. Most of this money has gone to help my darling.
    I wouldn't mind much about the money though. Because sometimes to see her smile is enough to make me forget my problems. However, her foul temper has ruined everything in this relationship. Whenever she is angry, she would scold me like i am worst off than a dog.
    If only she treats me better, i would have wanted to live more. And it was the reason i killed myself in March 2008.

    Last Month, 5th May 2009, i had a big fight with her again. I took some of the same kind of pills again infront of her.
    But 2 hours later, i was vomitting voilently and i drove myself to the hospital. I was there for 4 days. In the normal ward. There was nothing serious this time. Just feeliing very tired as I think most of the poison already left my body when i vomitted. And I only took a <methods> I felt i was ready to leave the hospital on the 2nd day but the doctors refused to discharge me. Because my heart rate was fast. Even when i was asleep, my heart rate was over 80 bpm.

    I guess that would be the last time i will ever think of taking pills to end my life.

    Many things have changed over the past few weeks.
    I have now stopped cursing the Gods. Instead I pray to them everyday. I thank them for a 2nd chance.
    I can't deny that when things get a bit rough, I will think about death again.
    In fact, I still pray to God that my life ends sooner.
    But, at the same time, I pray for better days to come.
    Ironic. And sometimes, Pathetic.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  2. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Wow.... :sad: I don't have any advice for you... I just wanted you to know your post was read... I'm really in shock.. *** pills?!?! Your 'darling' isn't providing the support you need right now.. I hope you have at least one close person you can confide in. :hug: I'm sorry you've been through such a hard time.. Hopefully you can work through your feelings and have a better future. You'll find a lot of wise people on SF who can help and support you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  3. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you're still with us.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm glad you survived! :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  5. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    I can barely begin to imagine what all that extra seretonin traffic would do to a person...

    I've had a similar experience, myself. I had it all planned out and the method was next to flawless save for the one thing that saved me - discovery. Although it was a veritable hell, it was the best point of my life because I figured out more about my life and myself then I have ever been able to since or before.

    I was spared the physical effects, though. I ODed on an opiate, so any pains were more than nullified, and all the drug was filtered out within 3-4 days. No long-term effects.

    I just wonder - will you not do it again because you know it won't work, because you fear death or because you legitimately want to live?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  6. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi, I don't think <methods> by itself will work. People who commit suicide with presciptions normally have <methods>.

    I am looking a safe way out, without the mess..

    Why are you spending so much on her, when you have no money? Are u using money as a tool? Does she understand this, why is she so bad tempered?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  7. Thanks Mel-x. Perhaps all this while i have been waiting/searching for the one person who truly understands me, loves me, accepts me as who i am, encourage mes when i am down....But I am not sure if this person exists. I won't give up. After taking the pills for the 2nd time, I have been trying to accept things as they are. Trying to learn and adapt. I believe that if i am good, the Gods won't close their eyes. Someday......The One i have been waiting for, may finally arrive. Then I will be happy, finally.

    I have visited SF twice in the past. It is a truly beautiful place. Unfortunately I stay in a far far away country.

    I'm glad to have your support and concern :)

    I won't do it again for the reason that I am afraid i am being discovered. That since i believe i am immortal, i am so afraid to wake up again to go through all the pain all over again, and my health may be permanently damaged. I do not fear death. I am only afraid of the pain. If not i would have just simply jump off a building or hang myself.
    I truly believe that for people like me, who always want to suicide, are always silently crying out to whoever who can hear us....."I WANT TO LIVE". Yes, I believe i want to live more than i want to die. But pain, depression, unhappiness, loneliness........makes me want to leave this world, ANYTIME.

    The pills i took is flawless in a way. Because after taking the pills, i went straight to sleep. Everything is blank until i woke up. My workers told me i vomitted all over the place. Yet i don't feel nothing.
    I failed because i was discovered 8 hours later. If I hide myself really well, i should have finally left this world. Freedom.

    The biggest mistake in my current relationship is i am using money to buy happiness. It is by buying her gifts that i can buy sometime from her before she starts her next bad temper attack. It is during this time that she treats me better. Whatever i earn i put all into her. Even if i don't have, i have to borrow. Now i have such huge debt that i must find a way to start paying them off.

    Her bad temper, i guess thats her character. There is no way anybody can ask her to change. She never admits her mistakes. When she is wrong, she will find someone else to blame.
    I love her too much. Everyone is scolding me for my foolishness. Everyone wants me to leave her. I can't lose her.
    After the recent events, i am starting to change myself. I hope i will somehow make her realize there isn't any other man out there who can treat her and love her the way i do. If she doesn't chance. I believe someday i will grow strong enough to be the one to say "Good Bye, my love". And I will finally walk out. Some girl out there needs my love.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  8. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    I sincerely doubt that. SSRIs - anti-depressants - aren't going to kill you short of severe serotonin syndrome, and even then you can survive. In most cases it's just going to **** you up.

    If SSRIs worked for suicide, there'd be reports of it working and certain a UseNet newsgroup I frequent would be extolling it. Frankly, I'm glad it doesn't work for suicide. Something so readily available makes committing suicide on an impulse easy. I have everything against an impulse attempt.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  9. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    <methods> I know that one inpatient at my hospital died after <methods> A really painful death. But that might have been due to the overdose itself, not due to serotonin syndrome... And she was anorexic so her body was probably very weak, that's another cause I bet. Remember that all<methods>
    But *** pills.... That's a huge amount. Really huge... And you survived? I'm glad you did! But please go to the hospital and check your organs, you might have liver damage or something. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  10. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    *** don't work the same way *** doesn't work. It's so rare that it actually works - and when it does it is, as you noticed, very painful, so you might as well write it off as non-functional the same you can theoretically kill yourself with a ***.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  11. I am not sure how many types are there in the market.
    But the one that i took, i did a research on the net before i decided it can kill me. According to statistics, the people who told near to <methods> pills didn't survive.

    About 2 months after i was discharged from the hospital. I went back to the first hospital and spoke to the nurses who attended to me when i arrived in the ambulance. They told me they gave me a few injections and oxygen. Because my breathing was so weak that anytime i can stop breathing. After that i was transferred to the government hospital because a suicide can't be allowed in a private hospital.

    I believe, if given enough time, i would have died. I have thought about this and i believe 12 to 15 hours should do the trick.
    Also bear in mind that i had vomited quite a lot of the poison. Whats left in my body was enough to kill me if i was not discovered so soon.

    Like what i did, i went straight to sleep. And I have totally no memory of what happened after i fell asleep (or lost consciousness).

    I don't encourage anyone else to try to kill themselves.
    I don't regret what i have gone through. Because I have learned a lot from this lesson. I am starting to try to survive and change to a better person.

    But i don't deny that I still think about dying everyday. Ironic isn't it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  12. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    Ya, and the warnings said <methods> would kill me. Didn't. Pharmaceutical companies have to list EVERYTHING that happens to even the smallest percentage of test subjects on the labels.

    Also, why did you have *** pills?! At most I've seen pharmacies give out a stock for one month. I doubt you were taking <methods> pills a day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  13. One bottle of that particular brand of anti depression pills contains *** pills. Where i come from, i don't need doctor prescription to obtain controlled drugs. I just buy them off the counter. When i woke up, i was questioned by my family members and especially the doctors about where i obtain the pills. The doctors had to know in order to decide if my case should be forwarded to the police.
    BTW, i have never taken anti depression pills before. It was the first time and the most unforgetful time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  14. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    I have NEVER heard of a country where you can buy anti-depressants over the counter. That's ridiculous!! I don't believe the manufacturers would allow that... lawsuits extraordinaire.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  15. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I haven't heard of that either. Unless it is in the black market :dunno: Controlled substances aren't OTC anywhere that I am aware of.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  16. I am not lying. I can only say i live somewhere in Asia. The anti depressants are an American brand. Most drugs are so easily available here. I have friends who live in a neighbouring country coming to my country to buy viagra or similar and some other drugs, over the counter.

    But sadly, i have tried searching for <methods>. I just don't know how to get it. I have met someone on the net who seemed to know the method of making them. I tried it twice and drank it but didn't work.
    If i have gotten hold of <methods> then i would have left long ago.....i think.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  17. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    It just seems very strange. You yourself call them "controlled" drugs and then say you get them over the counter. But whatever you say. :dunno:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  18. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Just to let you know that you get anti depressants as well as mood-stabilizer in Spain and Venezuela (I lived in both countries for a long time) without a prescription, even so its labeled otherwise. Very few pharmacies would ask for the prescription.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  19. It is "controlled" because thats what most countries, especially the USA, called it. Honestly, i was a bit surprised that the pharmacies here sell the anti-depressants over the counter. But not all pharmacies do that.
    Anyways, i believe whether i can buy the drugs with or without prescription isn't the point here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
  20. There you go...Another example. :cool:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.