so I used to live alone in MIA, where i would engage in mia. i'm at my parents' house for the summer before i go live alone in a new city in 2.5 weeks. i figured the summer would straighten me out, no more mia. and i've been successful, since may 29th. i still think about it every day. i fear that i will be doing it again as soon as i move into my new apt. i miss it. i hate it, but i miss it.
Mia
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someone, please help talk me out of this. i'm going to be alone in a week. i hate being in the cycle, but i can't get the idea of going back out of my head. i miss the rush. i don't miss the sore throat and paranoia. every night after dinner i think myself, if i was alone in my apartment, id be throwing up.
i'm not good at asking for help. i have 2 friends that know (one is a friend who i grew up with, we have forever bonded through our eating disorders). the other friend will be 2000 miles away and has his own issues. i hate burdening people. people have no idea. i always hear, "it's nice how you're always smiling. what's your trick to always being happy?" i've never been in any sort of treatment. i dont trust therapists to keep quiet about my addictions, and i can't afford to have my school find out. i am a very private secretive person. it's hard for me to even post here. i will not tell my parents. they're not typical. we party together, hard. if i tell them it will not benefit my situation. i am alone. i know all the side effects, i know how stupid it is, i know it makes me hate myslef (more). why do i want to go back?
We all have so many monsters that call us...posting here is a very good first step...maybe you can tell your two friends that next week will be difficult and that they should be aware and maybe be more attentive...my PM box is always open if I can be a part of your support...also, it is difficult to trust a therapist, and depending upon your age, will depend what their confidentiality agreement will be...you can alway interview someone before seeing him/her and then decide if s/he is worthy of your trust...J
i seriously hate myself. so i'm in my new apt, and rather than mia, i've gone back to my old ana ways. i'm about to start grad school. a cute boy (i havent met in person, just fb) who will be in my class, grew up like 10 min from me, and now lives in my apartment complex just invited me to dinner with him and some fellow classmates. and i turned him down bc i dont want to eat and i hate what i look like. i was determined to not let my ed get in the way of my new life, but alas, i cannot escape. i told him i was exhausted from moving in and to keep me posted about tomorrow. i WILL go out and socialize tomorrow. i WILL. seriously, seriously, hate myself right now.
Hang in there... I used to throw up too, but not as often as you. The most days in a row that I threw up was probably 5. Then I'd stop for a while then start up again. Then weeks would pass without me doing it. Sometimes months. So I can't exactly say I have a serious eating disorder. I do know about the urges, though. To just do something self-destructive just to say that you did something. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by god knows what and I feel like I have to scream or cut myself or punch myself in the face. Sometimes throwing up helps, too, but it's just not something I do as often as the others.
I used to be overweight so I know what it feels like not to be happy with one's appearance. I think this was one of the main reasons for my depression and self-injuring. I just couldn't think of myself as something beautiful or worth looking at or being around. Now I go to the gym though and have reached a healthy weight and what I realized was that it was easy. Not because the workouts weren't hard or the diet wasn't too restrictive (in fact, my nutritionist made me eat more calories than I used to when I was overweight, and that helped a lot). I guess I found it easy because I didn't think, "Oh, I have to do this because I want to lose weight. It will be embarrassing if I don't." I just didn't think about it, but I kept at it. I didn't enjoy it or hate it; I just did it. And it worked, and on some level I think I was happy that I wasn't too happy or excited about the results, because it was like I had come to love myself as a person with a personality--not just a thin person. I think the sooner you realize this and start to love yourself and know you're a good person, being happy with yourself and getting healthy will become easier to achieve.
Good luck <3
I used to be overweight so I know what it feels like not to be happy with one's appearance. I think this was one of the main reasons for my depression and self-injuring. I just couldn't think of myself as something beautiful or worth looking at or being around. Now I go to the gym though and have reached a healthy weight and what I realized was that it was easy. Not because the workouts weren't hard or the diet wasn't too restrictive (in fact, my nutritionist made me eat more calories than I used to when I was overweight, and that helped a lot). I guess I found it easy because I didn't think, "Oh, I have to do this because I want to lose weight. It will be embarrassing if I don't." I just didn't think about it, but I kept at it. I didn't enjoy it or hate it; I just did it. And it worked, and on some level I think I was happy that I wasn't too happy or excited about the results, because it was like I had come to love myself as a person with a personality--not just a thin person. I think the sooner you realize this and start to love yourself and know you're a good person, being happy with yourself and getting healthy will become easier to achieve.
Good luck <3
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