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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by MissMisery, Mar 24, 2008.

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  1. MissMisery

    MissMisery Well-Known Member

    so, Ive had anorexia/bulimia for 4 yrs now. the anorexia was nower near as nasty as the bulimia.

    I used to have so much control, and felt high on adrenalin all the time. i wasnt as ill all the time and still lived a little, even though everything was limited.

    It got me down in the end and took an OD cos i had eaten something. then ended up nearly destroying my liver and took days for the drug lvels to go down in hospital.

    I got worse and worse after that and went down to 4st 5lbs.
    Then 2yrs ago i started with bulimia. i used to be terrified of being sick, ever since i was a child. but the binges got out of control and so did my vomiting.

    For the past 2 yrs bulimia has taken over me and everything in my life.
    I spent all day everyday bingeing and purging. and went into a trance like state. depressed and drained of everything.

    I took a few more OD's during last year, just to try and stop it and put me to sleep for a few days. never a 'suicide attempt' but 3 wer near fatal cos of how weak my body was.

    Last week i got out of hospital, i had very low potassium, so got admitted if not i wud have been sectioned. they said i could have heart attack if i didnt treat it.

    so spent a week on drips, and came out feeling a bit better.
    i went 8 days in all with no food/ purging. and felt so great again. then i snapped and have had four bulimic days since.
    I dont feel the same about bingeing like i did before hospital.
    but i feel such a failure and everyday i feel suicidal atm.
    Its all i think about, just dream about it all ending. and wish i could get it right and do it. instead of living this life and in this plagued mind set.

    i dont know what to do anymore. i refused the potassium orally bcos i wanted to give up and die. but then they forced it IV way.
    I regret the treatment now and wish i had followed thru with it.

    Im so lost alone and scared. everythings a mess. i live like scum mostly. i feel so grotesque and when i feel so bad, only thing that comforts me is food. but i dread and hate the purging. all day long. eat throw up and so on.

    i dont think it will ever go away for good. and i dont want to be anorexic either. although i wud prefer that road again.
    I wish i cud help myself, only way these days. but im tired.
    wish i cud sit down and eat a proper amount of food, enjoy it, and not be controlling and not want to throw up and accept feeling full as something normal and not a massive failure and sin.

    cant do it all anymore. im worried im giving up again. and drea wats round the corner for me :(
  2. Ire

    Ire Guest

    I am bulimic sometimes... I just feel like my body should look like my mind... it's not that bad though.

    Please stick around for a little while. Try talking to somebody, or go into the chat room. Alot of people here can help you.
    Just try to stick around... make it until the next time you can fall alseep, and then you wake up and there will be a new day.

    I bet you you can find someone here that can help you feel better :poke:
  3. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    where abouts are you? are you in the uk? are you under any mental health services, eating disorder services?

    :hug: I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a horrific time with bulimia. It does sound very out of control at the moment.
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2008
  4. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your eating disorders- especially bulimia.. it's not nice.

    I'm here for pm if you are at all in need of it xx

    BOLIAO Guest

    i was bulimic in my late teens. Due to frequency of puking, acquired the ability to puke by just opening my mouth. Once I start doing it, I would do it for days until I have severe stomach pain. Well, I can still puke without sticking a finger in my throat though. Best is not to puke. Refrain from it.
  6. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    Aww, I wish I had the right things to say to you, but you basically just said everything I'm thinking but can't put into words, except with certain details changed around. I wish the best for you, though advice is not something I can really help with right now. :hug:
  7. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    im really sorry to hear about your suffering.
    I have suffered on and off with bulimia and anorexia for years, and i agree, the torment of bulimia was worse than anorexia, IMO. Even though i was much more ill with anorexia.
    Im happy to talk anytime, i really am.
    things can get better. i know you are at a low ebb but there is an alternative.
    Best wishes,
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