so, Ive had anorexia/bulimia for 4 yrs now. the anorexia was nower near as nasty as the bulimia.
I used to have so much control, and felt high on adrenalin all the time. i wasnt as ill all the time and still lived a little, even though everything was limited.
It got me down in the end and took an OD cos i had eaten something. then ended up nearly destroying my liver and took days for the drug lvels to go down in hospital.
I got worse and worse after that and went down to 4st 5lbs.
Then 2yrs ago i started with bulimia. i used to be terrified of being sick, ever since i was a child. but the binges got out of control and so did my vomiting.
For the past 2 yrs bulimia has taken over me and everything in my life.
I spent all day everyday bingeing and purging. and went into a trance like state. depressed and drained of everything.
I took a few more OD's during last year, just to try and stop it and put me to sleep for a few days. never a 'suicide attempt' but 3 wer near fatal cos of how weak my body was.
Last week i got out of hospital, i had very low potassium, so got admitted if not i wud have been sectioned. they said i could have heart attack if i didnt treat it.
so spent a week on drips, and came out feeling a bit better.
i went 8 days in all with no food/ purging. and felt so great again. then i snapped and have had four bulimic days since.
I dont feel the same about bingeing like i did before hospital.
but i feel such a failure and everyday i feel suicidal atm.
Its all i think about, just dream about it all ending. and wish i could get it right and do it. instead of living this life and in this plagued mind set.
i dont know what to do anymore. i refused the potassium orally bcos i wanted to give up and die. but then they forced it IV way.
I regret the treatment now and wish i had followed thru with it.
Im so lost alone and scared. everythings a mess. i live like scum mostly. i feel so grotesque and when i feel so bad, only thing that comforts me is food. but i dread and hate the purging. all day long. eat throw up and so on.
i dont think it will ever go away for good. and i dont want to be anorexic either. although i wud prefer that road again.
I wish i cud help myself, only way these days. but im tired.
wish i cud sit down and eat a proper amount of food, enjoy it, and not be controlling and not want to throw up and accept feeling full as something normal and not a massive failure and sin.
cant do it all anymore. im worried im giving up again. and drea wats round the corner for me
I used to have so much control, and felt high on adrenalin all the time. i wasnt as ill all the time and still lived a little, even though everything was limited.
It got me down in the end and took an OD cos i had eaten something. then ended up nearly destroying my liver and took days for the drug lvels to go down in hospital.
I got worse and worse after that and went down to 4st 5lbs.
Then 2yrs ago i started with bulimia. i used to be terrified of being sick, ever since i was a child. but the binges got out of control and so did my vomiting.
For the past 2 yrs bulimia has taken over me and everything in my life.
I spent all day everyday bingeing and purging. and went into a trance like state. depressed and drained of everything.
I took a few more OD's during last year, just to try and stop it and put me to sleep for a few days. never a 'suicide attempt' but 3 wer near fatal cos of how weak my body was.
Last week i got out of hospital, i had very low potassium, so got admitted if not i wud have been sectioned. they said i could have heart attack if i didnt treat it.
so spent a week on drips, and came out feeling a bit better.
i went 8 days in all with no food/ purging. and felt so great again. then i snapped and have had four bulimic days since.
I dont feel the same about bingeing like i did before hospital.
but i feel such a failure and everyday i feel suicidal atm.
Its all i think about, just dream about it all ending. and wish i could get it right and do it. instead of living this life and in this plagued mind set.
i dont know what to do anymore. i refused the potassium orally bcos i wanted to give up and die. but then they forced it IV way.
I regret the treatment now and wish i had followed thru with it.
Im so lost alone and scared. everythings a mess. i live like scum mostly. i feel so grotesque and when i feel so bad, only thing that comforts me is food. but i dread and hate the purging. all day long. eat throw up and so on.
i dont think it will ever go away for good. and i dont want to be anorexic either. although i wud prefer that road again.
I wish i cud help myself, only way these days. but im tired.
wish i cud sit down and eat a proper amount of food, enjoy it, and not be controlling and not want to throw up and accept feeling full as something normal and not a massive failure and sin.
cant do it all anymore. im worried im giving up again. and drea wats round the corner for me