Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by jupiter202, Mar 28, 2007.

  1. jupiter202

    jupiter202 Well-Known Member

    My friend Michael and I met when I was in 12th Grade and he was in 11th. We met in the cafeteria....he was wearing a Megadeth shirt and I started talking to him about the band and we hit it off. We wound up being in the same class together (sociology....room 202 which became our "code"...he would page me with 202 and vice versa) We were instant best friends.

    He showed a lot more interest in me than I did in him...I mean I loved him with all my heart....but NOT the way he wanted. he was IN love with me and I didnt want to f up our friendship. I tried to walk away completly....it didnt work....we would fight VICIOUSLY....it was our way. Everyone knew us, knew that we were best of friends but would fight like cats and dogs. No matter what we ALWAYS knew we would have each other.

    I feel guilty that he was in love with me...I feel like I shouldnt have been his friend, that maybe it misled him. I feel SO guilty for not being what he wanted.

    The night he killed himself....he came to my apt....wanted to come in but we fought. (i had a friend over....male friend....michael did NOT like that) and he went home, called me, left a voicemail saying he loved me but couldnt deal with it anymore...called me selfish....said horrible things....and i didnt call back. He shot himself in his parents house right after that phone call. I cant even express how much pain I have over this.

    Im sitting at work and Im just crying and writing adn feeling like the worst person in the world.
  2. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    Sweetie try not to feel guilty because you couldn't be what he wanted and needed. It sounds like Michael had a lot more serious underlying issues that even you as his friend couldn't help. You aren't a bad person in the least.
    You didn't lead him on, you didn't pretend to be in love with him. You were honest with him. All you tried to do was be his friend. You are allowed to have other friends who are male and have them over to your place.
    Michael should have never ever put you in this situation you do not deserve this guilt in anyway. You are not selfish, you are human and above everything you need to take care of yourself.
    I've been in a really similair situation and I know how much it hurts.

    If you ever need to talk drop me a pm
  3. jupiter202

    jupiter202 Well-Known Member

    THANK YOU! I try soooo hard to think that it was so much more than that that made him do what he did. He did have a lot of problems. He was about to turn 30 and it bothered him that he still lived at home with his parents, didnt have a girlfriend, had a job he didnt care about etc. His parents made him feel like shit alll his life. I try to hold on to THOSE reasons. But I always slip back and blame myself. its just hard.

    Thank you for your words.
  4. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    I am sorry to hear about this loss, things like this effect our hearts deeply for all time... I hope that you find peace in your heart.
  5. jupiter202

    jupiter202 Well-Known Member

    Thank you :)