Middle age blues?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kellen3895, Feb 13, 2013.

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  1. kellen3895

    kellen3895 New Member

    I'm in my 40s, alcoholic, sober 1.5 years. I'm a mom which makes my suicidal thoughts difficult. I want to die but I don't want to screw my kids up. I just don't fit in this world. I am poor, unable to work because of anxiety and depression, and I feel damaged beyond repair. I don't know what to do. I really don't want to die but living seems unbearable. I don't understand people who say life is a gift. To me it's been a great burden. My blood pressure has been really high lately, and even small things sets off my anger to the point my face turns red and my chest hurts. Maybe a heart attack will do me in. I'm broken.
  2. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    I can greatly relate to your post. About to hit 40, kids which makes dying difficult, poor, can't work, don't fit in, feel damaged like that too, and had a really crappy life.

    I'm sorry I'm of no help here. I can't even help myself. Getting ready to check out
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Well done on staying dry. Ditto for putting your kids first despite how bad you feel. You're in a shitty position. Do you have practical and emotional support IRL? Because you deserve and need it. Counselling / therapy might help whether to find ways of coping or to look at cause. Lots of hugs
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You hun are amazing wow sober 1.5 yrs you are strong hun I do hope though you reach out ok You do not have to fight the battle alone You talk to your doctor someone ok to get you supports hugs
  5. kellen3895

    kellen3895 New Member

    I read your post and I want to reach out and say it's going to be ok. I can give love but can't seem to feel it inside me, or accept it from others.
    It does help knowing I'm not alone. I hope you feel better.
  6. kellen3895

    kellen3895 New Member

    Thank you for acknowledging my sobriety. It is hard to stay sober with depression and I need to give myself more credit for what I am accomplishing.
  7. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm in my late 40s and the chickies don't look at me anymore. Guess it's cause of my bulbous stomach and receding forehead. Not only that, I'm dumber not smarter, duller not funnier, and slower not faster. Hope a thunderbolt puts me down.
  8. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Be thankful for what you have. I'm going to be 50 in a little over a month. I have nothing. No friends, no kids. I've lost the ability to get a woman. I have nothing. I try to take things one day at a time but I know at some point, I will give up. You have things in your life to be thankful for. Always keep that in mind. I know it's tough because we have that chemical in our brain that makes us hate life and be depressed, but you do have things to live for. Be thankful you're not me. There's one thing right there. And your kids. Live for them if anything else.
  9. fredrickguy

    fredrickguy New Member

    Congrats on being sober 1.5 years... that is an accomplishment to be proud of! I do understand about the kids, and not wanting to hurt them - mine are the only reason I am still here.

    Like you, I have reached a point where the joy I find in day to day life is simply not enough to be worth the effort of living. But, I get up each day and try to do all the right things. I force myself to go through the motions, and hope and pray that life will get better. However, we all have down days. Four weeks ago, I pulled the car in the garage, left the motor running... it felt good to sit there in my heated seat, listening to my favorite music, and I thought how nice it would be to just fade away and be done with life. Two hours later, the garage was so unbearably hot I had to turn on the AC and I was not even sleepy. Apparently, the emissions systems on new cars are such that they remove 99% of the CO.... so I am still here. So, I am still getting up each day and checking the boxes and trying to do the right things for all the people that I care about.

    My point is that I am glad I did not die that night... I had 4 more weeks with my kids and I would have missed that time with them. Please get help for your medical issues, and please recognize that you have much in life to be thankful for. I really do believe things will get better for both of us. Yes, I had a weak moment (we all have points where we are weak) but what matters is our children, the people who love us, and who we love. Try to find joy in your children, in being their mother, in watching them grow into something better than we are. And, we have have an opportunity each day to try and do something good for those we care about... and hopefully you can find joy and purpose in that. I am in no position to give advice, because I know exactly how you feel - but this is all I know to do and probably the only worthwhile thing I will ever do in my life (being a parent). I truly hope things get better for you.
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