Middle of the Night Musings

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by texaskitty, Jul 3, 2011.

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  1. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Its strange how the dark changes how I feel. The anxiety I feel during the day is usually gone, but replaced with dark thoughts.

    My therapist says the day is worse for me because of trauma suffered during the day. Which is unusual.

    But I find myself sitting in a dark room, thinking of so many things.

    What might have been. What still may be. What will become of me.

    Pretty useless thinking actually, coz most of it I can't change, although I know change is possible for anyone at anytime, I don't seem to be able to quite get there.

    One step forward, two steps back. :lol: therapist says this is progress, I love that woman to bits but sometimes I think she is on another planet.

    Sometimes I wish I had someone beside me, even if they were sleeping. My house echos of emptiness. Barring the cat of course who is laying across my arms as I type. Thank God for my cat.

    But truth be told a person would be better. An IRL person, someone I could wake up and say "hey I'm having a hard time, could you hold me?"

    That isn't gonna happen, at least not in the foreseeable future. So what to do, ah I know write rambling posts on SF!

    Not really funny I guess.

    Just lonely and filled with thoughts tonight (actually morning).

    Sometimes I wish I could empty the thoughts out, like letting the air out of a tire. I'd be flat, but not full of dark things.

    Well if you've read this I thank you, I know it hasn't made much sense.
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    Actually tex it makes perfect sense. I wish i had someone to say 'hey, im having a tough time, can i have a hug?' to also, nights are lonely, especially for humans who are (usually) social creatures. Also rambling on here we all do, ive been wandering the forums since ive lost my mind, somtimes sleep wont come, and we have nowhere to go... at least this place is somewhere... sorta...:blink:
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Your post made a lot of sense.


    I'm awake with storms rolling through, figured no point in even trying to sleep until they pass. In a way this is my quiet time too, I like it, yet I don't because all sorts of thoughts come to mind. There are only so many times I can clean something etc. to keep myself and mind occupied!

    Take care tonight.
  4. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    It is Thorn, and the wonder is no matter what time, there is usually some kind soul to say "hey I've been there too".

    Been thinking of ya, and hope you are safe :hug:
  5. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Bless ya, I wish cleaning was one of my coping mechanisms!

    You take care too :hug:
  6. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    i guess it depends on what you call a place, but for many it is, as for us tonight. True, there usually is, thank god, or many wouldnt make it through the night.
  7. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Very true Thorn. :hug:
  8. ema

    ema Antiquities Friend

    :hug: goose. wish i could be there with you to give you the hugs, and you could give them back to me! feeling much the same way right now. although, night is bad for me....

    missing you and wishing we were closer in distance. but, even so, i'm always here to :hug: you

    :duck: love, just for you! :rose:
  9. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    It all makes sense Angie. Although in real life, even when you share your life with somebody who loves you and is supportive, you have to learn to cope with a lot of the side-effects of depression and trauma on your own. For example, I cant wake up my husband each time anxiety keeps me awake at night. He needs his rest, his "me time" to remain functional in order that we can go on with the business of living. Often times your spouse is just not in the same head space than you because he has his own things to deal with and then, you can feel a million miles apart. Asking hubby for a hug when his mind is fixated on the leaky plumbing is generally not a good idea ;) . At times, even the dogs are asleep and I am left alone with my thoughts. My support network is quite extensive. Most of my life I've been blessed with great feminine friendships. These women have been nurturing and understanding. But like me, they lead busy life and cant always answer my distress calls as I cant always be there for them. For example, both my gfs Yvonne and Annie are great motherly figures, but one is running her farm, the other one the soup kitchen for the poor. Yvonne is a great huger and cook! I try to cherish and cultivate those friendships knowing that they cant completely fill the void. I believe that in the long run, the only one who can always be present to that inner child who has been afraid, who has been alone, who has been abandoned and abused by the parents who should have been there is ourselves. If we cant do part of the self-care, we just end up asking so much from others than they shut us off their life to protect themselves. I think there is a process of mourning and accepting the past that cannot be rewritten and from there move on and learn what we can do to heal and to care for ourselves. I think it begins by recognizing the voice of the wounded child who's been with us most of our life in the shadow and figuring out what it needs from our adult self to feel listened, safe and nurtured. Indeed, sometimes, the only one available to pick up the phone and tell us exactly what we need to hear is ourselves. I believe as women, we are taught to run around to be everybody else caretaker but our own, and when we fall apart, exhausted and empty, we have no clue where to go, and what we need to make ourselves feel better. I am a firm believer in good books, hot baths and comfort food ;) . I also try very hard to nurture mutually beneficial friendships, because it has been very easy for me to fall in the trap of caretaker, only to realize later I was burned out while my own needs went unmet. Hope this makes some kind of sense to you. I've been where you are many, many nights in my life and basically, I just summed up where I am at this point in my journey.
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just to remind you how much you are cared for which can help the darkness feel more bright during those times...big hugs
  11. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Just remember what i told ya last night angie mmmkay
  12. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    :hug: for Angie!

    Remember, I am here for ya! You know where to find me!
  13. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thanks to all. There are many things on this thread that I needed to hear.

  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey "TK", I'm just the opposite.. I have nightmares if I try to sleep at night so I am up all night and sleep during the day..For some reason I don't feel as vulnerable during the day.. I hope you sort things out..Have you seen a therapist about this?? They can teach you coping skills..Good Luck...
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