I'm begining to wonder if I'm a little tapped, my depression seems to manisfest into a kind of murderous rage. In the sober light of day I deplore random acts of violence or agressive mistreatment of others, but there's this hideous streak in me that I'm not at all proud of. I'm not just merely saying this because I'm trying to butter up an ego or shock anyone, so you'll have to take everything I say as gospel, but most of the time it's merely the fear of getting caught that keeps the wolf from the door. I was brought up fairly violently and this lead to me getting into a lot of trouble at school. When ever i got into a problem I always dealt with it by violent means, I would always errupt into violence during confrontations. I'd sometimes use it to intimidate people when I got the chance (this was back when I was very young), but at the same time I was always a target myself for bullying and violence by people further up the scale. I get very violent with my brother when he starts on me, he bullied and name called me all my life, he's my older brother, he's also got major depressive issues, he hasn't worked in the last five years. A few months back I actually broke his hand, he's a lot weaker than me now we're older. Before age was the only leverage he held over me, now we're all grown up he doesn't have that angle anymore and I'm a lot tougher than him. Thankfully our confrontations have subsided for the meanwhile, but there's always been that poor aspect to my life. It does concern me, there's little sympathy given or regard for the catalyst of these erruptions. They are deemed to be entirely my fault, and to some degree I agree with that thinking. What concerns me mainly is that I'll end up being someone who I really don't want to be, someone who just one day gets into a fight on a bus and ends up killing someone. I know the likely answer is make sure you don't end up like that, you're responsible for your actions, but it just isn't that easy. I have very little to lose bar than my current personal freedom and my dignity. I don't really have much of future bar than downloading upcoming porn and maybe trying a new type of sandwich. When I'm very depressed I could easily kill someone, it may sound like boy-like over inflated ego, you may be clucking your tongues and thinking 'oh yeah, dream on' but I really honestly believe that I might have that capacity. I'm 6.3ft, I'm strong, I do a lot of weights and I've had a lot of fights, anyone without a good capability to defend themselves would find me quite the menance. I don't particulary have any strange ideas of the world, other than my personal problems, I have no strange beliefs, other than I do question my purpose in life. I often wonder if I'm actually meant to be bad person, if by some chance I'm actually a kind of cancer or human disease. I wonder about it, there's things that create and destroy all around us in nature, could that be another reason why I had this constant violent problem in life and now a really bad suicidal tendancey?