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Might pull the trigger tonight.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SuicidalOfCourse, Jul 31, 2013.

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  1. SuicidalOfCourse

    SuicidalOfCourse New Member

    Hello, everyone. If you're reading this, it's either because you are going to try and cheer the world up with a few paragraphs about how there is so much more to life than depression and anger and how no one should kill themselves, or you're about to pull that trigger too and being the curious creatures that humans are, you wanted to see how someone else would go about doing what you are trying to do. Regardless of which you are, I'm telling you now that I don't want to read any jolly story of how awesome life is. I do not care. I don't want anyone pretending they care about a stranger through a computer screen. It's stupid. First off, you do not know me. I could be a child-molesting serial killer for all you know. Yet there are still some who insist they must provide reason to live to someone they do not know. Now that we're past that, let's get on to the part where you read my pitiful story, shrug, and move on to the next. So, as previously stated, I am 17 years old. I'm white, male, 5'11", blue eyes, and ready to end it. I was born and raised in New Hampshire (USA) and still here, of course. Just like the rest of you, I'm heavily depressed. And Bi-Polar. And Paranoid Schizophrenic. With that being said, I was practically born with intent to die. I started having my first suicidal thoughts at the age of 5. Why? I don't really know. I pretty much have just never wanted to live. It's fairly simple. It's not like I was loving life, something happened, and now I want to die. I simply have never wanted to live. I didn't ask to be born. Am I ungrateful for the life that has been given to me? Hell yes. I won't deny it. I don't give a flying fuck about death. I welcome it. It's the last thing I'd ever even imagine fearing. I practically beg for it. The only thing that has ever stopped me from ending it already was the question of what comes next. I do not believe in any god. I do not need to place faith in false idols to get by with my existence. I know for a fact there is an afterlife. Scientifically speaking, "nothing" doesn't exist. It is impossible. A consciousness can not simply cease to exist. It goes against the laws of nature. Therefore something is definitely after this. I just don't know what. My fear is that I'll become a fucking barnacle or something. Like how do I kill myself when I'm a barnacle? I don't. I have to just sit there for my whole existence and wait to die. Can't even go anywhere. Don't even have a damn brain. That just doesn't sound alright to me. So I guess my question to you guys is this: The hell should I do? I want to die but don't want to come back as an ant. That sucks.
  2. zoe_n

    zoe_n New Member

    Yup. You're definitely right. Why would some stranger who doesn't even know you care? I think the exact same thing. I ask myself "why would i care about this guy, i don't even know him. Why bother answering a person who I don't even know?", But i just do. Honestly, I just do care without knowing why. So here's the thing, whether my words mean anything to you or not, it's not worth it. You're gonna sit here, and tell me that you've never laughed in your life? You've really never smiled? You can go ahead and lie to me all you want, but you cant lie to yourself. Whether it was for a second, or a minute, you've smiled, you've laughed, and you've definitely felt happiness before. You may not be scared to die, but why do it? You said it yourself, "what comes next." So... what? How are you so sure that death is the answer? How are you so sure that being dead is going to stop all this pain? Whether you like it or not, there are people on this planet who care about you. Go ahead and pretend like you don't care, but can you imagine all the pain and suffer they'll go through? We're all humans. We all have emotions. We feel happiness. We feel pain. As stupid as I may sound, but just try, for a day, go on YouTube and search up funny videos. Google some jokes. Just find a way to laugh. Talk to someone. Now what I said may seem like a load of crap, but i know that you deserve to be happy, so give yourself the chance.
  3. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    I care because you are a suffering human and I relate to that. It sucks. I don't know what my next life affords me either, and that keeps me from dying (and I have tried). I empathize. And even if you were a troll, I would care too because that still means something is wrong. Humans have it rough and battling your illnesses is miserable. So even though you don't believe it, I do care.
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm also not sure what happens when you die. I honestly don't have many answers. Life just sucks a good amount of the time. But if our consciousnesses never die and we don't know what we will come back as, I would try and stay alive because at least I know whats here as a human. who knows.. Maybe you will be a tree that lives forever, idk. I will also say (I dont like to discriminate age but) after you are over 18 and out of school and parents a lot of things change and you have a lot more control over your life, which may help you feel better. I know it does for some people. I also have had thoughts of wanting to die since I was young but didn't start to act on them until around age 15 other then playing pretend.
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi SuicidalOfCourse.

    I'm not going to give you a "life is awesome" spiel - it's not helpful for people in any form of depression to read, and often makes them feel worse. I'm also not at the other extreme you gave, I'm more mild/moderately depressed than I am on the last calling.

    But what I will suggest is that you read the opening lines of the FAQ - this is a pro-life peer-to-peer support forum for people in crisis. I highlight this for a number of reasons.

    1. Pro-life. People are going to try to offer something or try to understand you better to know where to place their support, but it's geared that way.
    2. Peer to peer. Someone somewhere is likely to have experienced similar things (not necessarily all at once, but some of it), and they are better positioned to understand what things like Bi-polar and Paranoid Schizophrenia can do to affect you.
    3. Support for people in crisis. Anyone who takes the time to post on here (you have 4 times), takes the time to seek help, even though they may state as you have that you want to die.

    With them reasons in mind - do expect others to offer support from people who do care. You might wonder how people can care about relative strangers, but think for a moment about those who have to live in care homes, going in there for the first time and having people who work there not knowing them but encouraging them and supporting them at both ends (minors and elderly). They can do it, so all in all, what makes online different? The lack of physical interaction.

    You have also stated that others do not know you. Likewise, you do not know them on that angle, so how can you sit there and assume that they do not care pr that they pretend to because it's "words on a screen"?. You interpret it your way, but words on a screen and interaction can prove to be useful - it can give that extra support to a lonely person who has no support from friends/family... It can be helpful to those who struggle interacting offline, and that's two possibilities.

    As for the afterlife - I'm like you - not religious. But I ask you this, is there completely nothing that you would ever want to consider trying to live for? (Becoming a parent certainly gave me something positive to cling on to).
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