Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by slowdrum13, Mar 12, 2010.

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  1. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    I'm an army reservist, with a deployment date coming in 2011. I'm not going one way or another, but thats not the point. I hate it but its true, i suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, insomnia, and borderline paranoid schitzophrenia. I say borderline because its like this. You know how you talk to yourself in you head in your internal monologue? Well its my voice but its not me talking. And they say horrible things which I have to admonish and declare not true to myself. They also flash mental pictures at me of terrible things I would never do. I do take my medication, (which the army doesn't know about), but the only thing thats truly helps, without all the debilitating side effects, is medical marijuana. I have been a mmj patient for about 5 years and have no complaints about the therapy. It doesn't leave me sleepy or braindead like other anti anxiety or anti psychotics, plus there's no rebound effect. The problem is that I constantly have it hanging over my head the possability of random drug testing. And since the army is still living in the 1930's, they don't acknowledge the medical benefits of cannabis. I risk losing my health insurance, gi bill, monthly check, and being blacklisted from ever working again, plus having my bank account cleaned out when they take back their bonus. So my choice is to not take the medication that works, and live in extreme pain, or risk having my future taken from me by the millitary. I don't see any way out. I hate the army for doing this to me.
  2. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Is there anyway you can drop out of the army? I know its not that simple but its clearly not helping things and you risk losing a lot if the Army finds out certain things.
    Take care x
  3. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    This is probably of not much help but I would jump at the chance to be deployed into a warzone.

    The British armed forces will not take me because of my criminal and psychiatric history. Although, I am only assuming this because I never tried to join.

    I have been planning to join the French Foreign Legion for some time. The problem is every time I left the hospitals I went back to drinking and could not get my health back.

    If only the synthetic acohol that I read about really did work and did not harm the human body my life would be a lot easier.
  4. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    I wish I could just drop out, but if I do, then all the things I mentioned (like losing my health insurance, cleaning out my bank account, etc) would happen anyway. Plus I think I would go to jail for fraudulent enlistment for not telling them about my condition. And bringer of light, its really not what you think it is. I wanted to be a soldier my whole life, thats why I joined in spite of everything. But I discovered its all a bunch of high school drop outs and hillbillies. Walking onto an army base is like stepping back into the 1950's. Chewing tobacco, beer, good ol' boys, racism, sexism. Its hillbilly central. And as far as getting accepted, the american military is so desperate for people, with a two fronted unpopular war, that they'll take anyone they can get. Pretty much, if you're not a convicted rapist/murderer, they'll take you. And even then they would probably get you a waver. I'm exaggerating of course, but only slightly, and that's scary.
  5. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    But then surely it would be worse if you got caught for these things whilst in the army? and do they have to know your condition?
    Forgive me, i may be wrong..I have no proper military experiance, i want to apply in 4 months time, but i think my medical history is gonna let me down there.
  6. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    I don't want to get out, I'll finish my term, it looks really good on a resume. I just want to be left alone about my medication. I just don't understand why taking welbutrin, xanax, geodon, and thorazine is ok, but they feel justified in ruining lives over cannabis.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm truly sorry I dont mean to sound rude but how could you enlist with such an extensive mental health history? I mean how did the military not catch any of these issues? I suffer from several of the things you do and I know from personal experience that they are literally disabling. How could the military not see these and how are you able to continue on with basic daily routines ect on the base? I take several meds and still these conditions restrict even interaction with others. Why or how could you enlist knowing you had all this to deal with. My hat is off to you for all the effort you must have to put forth everyday just to make it through!!! I know I couldnt. I know I dont. You are a very strong person.

    As bad as it might be, I think you need to confront someone there even the pastor and ask which direction would be best for you in the end. Sooner or later someone is going to find out. Would it be better for you to tell or for them to find out?????
  8. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    Well, as far as how I enlisted; with a two fronted, increasingly unpopular war, the army would enlist charles manson if it could get away with it. They're that desparate for people. And it was always a dream of mine to be a solider. So aside from the discrimination against my choice of medication, I'm also disillusioned by how it really is. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be like the commercials, those are just propaganda, but damn, its awful.
  9. xxJoyxx

    xxJoyxx New Member

    Wow I am usually not so harsh, but you are a douche. Seriously.

    The military is nothing but hillbilly trailer trash? I wish I knew who your CO was so I could report you myself. Yeah, there might be a lot of high school dropouts and country folk, but they have the balls to go fight for your F'ing freedom. Do you think you're the only one? Well you're not. My fiance has severe bipolar and he finished his term as a ranger. He was shot by an AK and lost half his stomach and one of his kidneys, but he's nothing but a hillbilly drop out. Show some respect.
  10. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Here's my opinion...

    Stay on your normal meds... (assuming this is legal) ...and work with your doctor to adjust dosages/drug.

    How does the military not know about this? I think they would know, how could they not.

    Bottom line, risking all of those things is just not worth it. Illegal = illegal. You need to be more honest with yourself. You need to talk with someone who understand how things work financially in the military so you can resolve this somehow. There's gotta be a way to get through it without losing everything. I think you're holding it all inside and you need more information.

    Your other remarks are just your opinion. Many educated working people have served time in the military out of a pure desire to service their country in some way. Non-military options are the peacecorps and a few others I can't remember off the top of my head. A lot of young people also go into the military right out of high school. Don't pigeon-hole the entire military. I agree they're a tough bunch (too tough for some people), but going into combat is the closest thing to hell on earth. You can't be soft. The idea of kill or be killed terrifies me. I don't think I could do it. Then again, I think I'd get over it in a month, but you never know. Some things you never get over.

    The fact that it terrifies me reminds me that we should never start a war unless we have to. When I was taking a literature class at college we had to read Slaughter-House Five. People in war see scary things that are hard to understand. If it scares me this much, I can't imagine how it was for iraq citizens (not terrorists). Can you even imagine? I know it was scary for our troops, but keep in mind that citizens could be surrounded by insurgents and terrorists and mines and bombs and shrapnel and gunfire and to add to all this .... the people protecting them are foreigners who killed many people in their own government. Citizens don't have guns and tanks and armor to protect them. Their enemy is outside and inside. They get extorted and gunned down by different factions. Amidst all that they're expected to run a country - imho it's an impossible task. How could they sleep at night? I've had dreams where helicopters and jets have flown over the area and I get scared. No bombs, no bullets. And that was a dream. Geez. Life is hard without all that.

    9/11 really gave us a taste of what people in iraq have gone through for a long long time. Our own country hasn't been directly threatened by another nation since 1941 (is this correct). 9/11 freaked people out. And that was one event. Iraq people have been through countless events. I must imagine that most of the successful iraqi's left the country before the war started. Same thing probably goes for Afghanistan. Anyone worth their weight left a long time ago. The people left behind don't know how to run a country. And their brains have so many holes blown through them (think: stress hormones) that their decision making process is probably weak.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2010
  11. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    My freedom? OIF and OEF have nothing to do with my freedom or safety. In fact, they are the single largest threat to the american people. They do nothing to make us safer and enrage these innocents whose country we've invaded enough so they breed more terrorists. and as far as my co- Lt Hernandez 950th mco
  12. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    And that pisses me off even more hearing about your fiance. That didn't have to happen to him. I'm truly sorry for his and your loss, but the unnecesarity of it is what makes me mad. If Bush hadn't wanted this war so damn bad we would have thousands of service men and women back from the dead and he would be in one piece. Losing a year of your life for a lost cause is bad enough, giving flesh is beyond excusable. I don't even know what to say; this is so fucked up. And thats exactly why I don't want to go. If I came back injured or maimed I wouldn't care about the consequences, I would take out as many feds as I could in retribution. And have you been in? If not then you can't comment on the demographic makeup of the army. It -is- a bunch of minorities and hillbillies, getting mad at me won't change the facts.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2010
  13. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    They don't know because...well how would they? Don't smoke for a couple weeks before meps. And my unit gives us one month warning about upcoming drug tests. But stopping is not an option. Its the only thing that makes life somewhat bearable. And everything you said about the lives of the average citizen is part of the reason I'm here. The world is fucked up, and really, there's no reason for me to be here. There's already extreme overcrowding, the world wouldn't notice if you or i were gone. In fact we probably should. If a good percentage of the population did that, we could realign the planet back to its natural state. I just try not to think about the world, all it does is make me angry. I don't want to be a part of it. I'm just scared of the pain. I don't know how to do it. My last attempt was jan 09. I tried hanging myself off the top bunk in my barracks room, but the noose broke and I didn't have the courage to try again. The first time was almost like a trance. I wasn't even thinking when I was tying the noose, my hands almost seemed to be doing it for me. So after, when my thinking came back, I couldn't do it.
  14. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    If you tell anyone about your medical history you will most likely be discharged.
  15. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    It's not often that I come across blunt to people, but seriously: do yourself a favor and report yourself to your chain of command for drug testing. You'll probably get booted out of the military once you fail ASAP (Army Substance Abuse Program) but you're going to get caught eventually anyway if you keep using drugs. Better to receive a (probable) honorable under general conditions discharge than to face a felony charges for missing movement, refusal to deploy to a combat zone, and desertion.

    That's probably the quickest way out. No commander worth his salt wants drugs in his company, but that's no guarantee that he's not going to try to hem you up. Just be warned that you're dancing with the devil here, so you'd better be prepared to face the consequences.
  16. omphalos

    omphalos Member

    First of all, the Army did not and is not doing anything to you. No one forced you to lie about your history and enlist.

    Second, some of those "minorities and hillbillies" are some of the best people that I have served with.

    Third, you are playing a dangerous game. The possible consequences may not be as severe if you come clean yourself.
  17. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    You know what, slowdrum? I've got some better advice for you:

    1.) Rent a convertable.
    2.) Buy a pair of women's lingerie and put it on.
    3.) Drive around the nearest military post blaring Motley Crue from the stereo while smoking a big fat blunt and swigging from a 40.
    4.) Lean out the window when passing the MPs, flip the bird, and scream, "Fuck you, pigs!"
    5.) ???????
    6.) PROFIT!!!!

  18. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    That's untrue, the military drinks more than any other organization that I've ever seen.
  19. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    Why the heck would I do that? For one thing that would be driving under the influence and that's unsafe. And I have nothing against the mps. They do stop real crimes now and then.
    edit- and motley crue is terrible music as well
  20. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    Yes they are doing something. I'm a completely squared away soldier, and all my work is flawless. What I do in my off time, when it by no means affects my job performance, is my own business.

    And to each his own I guess. Maybe you fit in with them. They were never my kind of people. Very low brow; the sort who would think jackass was hilarious.
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