Mind games *possible triggers*

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by FMyLife, Oct 13, 2014.

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  1. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    That moment when you think to help someone and realize how fucked up you really hard inside your mind. My mind has been laying games with me and I didn't realize it until today. That moment when all that you thought was fine comes clear and you realize that you are heading down a road you don't want to go down. I was told by someone that they wished they had (method) because it would solve the problem of being alive. And it dawned on me, hey I have such a method, I never thought it could be so easy. The thoughts filled my head and just got me to the point of thinking yeah, i can do this. I can end it all right now. Well, such method has since then been shipped off elsewhere thanks to my lovely wife. It scares me that the suicidal thoughts are trying to come back in as I haven't had them since my last attempt. I know now that another bout of depression is around the corner and I am scared because I don't want to be there. I don't know how to stop it as the new meds do not seem to be mellowing me out. I am still all over the place and I'm lost.

    I often int he past self medicated with self harm and even last week I had a bad episode. Drunk off my ass, blacking out, waking up in my own bed, tat I don't remember going to with bandages on wounds I don't remember creating, blood on the bathroom floor and a wife, shaken and in tears that she found me in such a state. And now having to call her and make requests to make the home safe for me has gotten me in such sorry that I even have to request these things from my spouse. Im such a fucking burden on that poor woman i fear I will emotionally kill her before its all said and done...
     
  2. Sain

    Sain Active Member

    I , too, am scared of depression coming. I felt it this weekend fierce. I hate it. I cried in front of my bf today, which is very rare, but he sees the struggles and says that he has been watching me especially since my "psychosis" like episode a few days ago when I was on another planet. He said that he watches me after I take my morning meds for any change in mood/ etc., which I am thankful for really. He is suffering as well, I suppose. He has been through a lot with me. More than anyone knows, really. I am not medicated, as you know, save a few benzos and sleep meds. So I have no stabilizing formulas to help me. So I can relate, somewhat, to your pain...although I know everyones lives are different.
    You made a mistake with SH. Well that's over with, and we all make mistakes. My bf keeps my pills. I cannot be trusted, and I know this. It's like a dispensary here, lol. Please don't feel like a burden. Easier said than done, I know. Sometimes I feel like that with my SO, but then I think...he is still here. Why? Because he wants to be here. And the same with your wife. Take care. I am no good with this stuff...but I felt like I had to write. *hug

    Trish
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    If you feel like the depression is coming then you need to put action plans in place now. You have done well to confide in your wife and remove such method from your household. You should also consider removing any other dangerous items from your household like any sharps etc so the temptation to hurt yourself will be less. You need to continue pestering your psych. To be honest I am not all surprised that your recent med change has brought your mood down a little. I had a similar experience on my anti psychotic, was brilliant at sorting out the high but then it brought me down far too much and cause severe anxiety, racing thoughts and paranoia, so you may need another med to counteract the effects of the new one. Have you ever done any type of therapy? It is extremely helpful in learning how to ward off the horrible, unwanted thoughts and you learn ways with how to cope with your feelings, thoughts and emotions.
     
  4. Sain

    Sain Active Member

    "My bf keeps my pills. I cannot be trusted, and I know this. It's like a dispensary here" - me

    This quote from me has been bothering me, so I will get it off my chest. Yes, my bf dishes out my pills. But, the hoarder that I am, have a "stash" of "safe" pills that I have hidden far away - but I still could get at them if I really wanted to. This would destroy my bf's confidence, if he stills has a little left, in me. I want to throw them out and not tell him. I know that it's the right thing to do! I just can't seem to get rid of them. It's dangerous. Very dangerous, in fact, for me. And I know it. I am being stupid. Since my illness doesn't seem to want to relent, I am playing with fire. I don't take these pills on a daily basis, but they are here and shouldn't be. They give me a false sense of security and that frightens me. The right thing to do is just "chuck" them and be done. I know that I am still sick when I cannot do that. And if I tell him the truth, I would have been lying to him this whole time...and that would hurt him. So, there you have it. Off my chest. It wasn't a secret anyway. I told you guys in chat lately. But I felt that my post was somehow dishonest. I am trying to get the courage up to throw them away. Then I will have 0 access if I get really sick again. I am trying.
     
  5. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    My wife keeps my pills locked up and now methods are extinguished from my house. My wife called out of work and i really don't want her here right now. I've been in serious rage mode. I hate that she called out. She's going end up jobless because she's always babysitting me. I try to help others but I find myself getting irritated at other peoples issues and pissed with myself for being irritated and it just goes round and round and round…should have kept certain methods….its easier. Now I feel like a helpless toddler in the middle of a temper tantrum
     
  6. Sain

    Sain Active Member

    I can relate to being a "toddler" for sure. Hang in there, ok.
     
  7. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    I'm trying to hang in there but right now it seriously feels like I'm on the edge and looking down. Right now I'm listening to music and the noise in my head is louder. The louder I turn up the music, the louder the noise is. I have so many thoughts running all at once pulling me in multiple directions and voices plotting and urging my demise. I don't know if I can hang on if I fall again.
     
  8. Sain

    Sain Active Member

    I know what it feels like to hang on the edge, so to speak. I am sorry that the voices are strong right now. And your thoughts are scattered and noisy. I hope that you can figure out a way to ignore them urging your demise. I have hope that you can hang on. Anything will work. Just hang on.
     
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