Mindblurbs of a random person

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Sep 25, 2011.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I've been thinking about this, and I guess I will start blogging in this thread. Though it won't be as much blogging really, as it will be analyzing. Analyzing lyrics that I feel connected to for one reason or another, analyzing feelings, or just post random mindblurbs. I could have chosen the Diary section to do this, but sometimes I'm just interested in peoples reactions and other point of views to the things posted.

    I'm not necessarily posting these things to get cyberhugs or compassion or anything - I'm someone to straight out ask for that when needed. I just want to see reactions to the content, doesn't matter whether it makes sense or not, just whatever comes to mind is fine.

    And just so you know, I'm not easily offended, so blurt out whatever you want, cuz that is what I do to. It's good to get things off your chest.
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Lost Girl

    You know when there’s something, or someone that you really, really love and it’s one of the things or people that keep you going, and then for some reason that gets taken away from you for a while?
    Not just for a few hours, but for weeks, possibly months.

    At first it’s not so bad, because you don’t realize it yet, and it’s kinda nice to have a bit of rest from that person or thing. But then as time goes on you find yourself in that place where you just keep thinking about it more and more until at some point it gets really hard to hide the pain it’s causing.
    You bite your tongue because you feel misunderstood. That could be due to remarks from people around you, but mostly it’s because you’ve created this yourself. You took it for granted and you didn’t enjoy it as much as you should. Not anymore anyway.

    But then you lose it and it’s not there anymore – and you feel empty. People don’t understand, because you have been taking it for granted and you have been showing less affection towards it lately. People don’t see how much it’s affecting you, so you just bite your tongue because it’s your own fault and you were the one to bring yourself in the situation where you could lose it in the first place. But then you have to bite your tongue even more, because the ones around you seem to be enjoying that one thing that you can’t have and their lives are moving forward, or moving.. Doesn’t even matter which direction. You’re jealous because your life is on hold really. You’re not moving anywhere. And then at some point you start feeling like a zombie.
    You just wake up, do your thing throughout the day until at night you’re glad you have gotten through another day, then you go to sleep and then the next day it’s the same thing all over again.

    So yeah, you get lost, lost in the world where nobody seems to understand your situation and all you can do is wait. All you can do is sit and wait. Wait for that moment to come, where you can finally can get back that which brought that sparkle in your soul. Get back that sparkle and stop being the little girl lost in the big bad world.
     
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    yadayadayada bladibladiblah. mner. I really only have the energy left to eat and sleep. Calling my GP tomorrow for an appointment. Need to have my wrist checked and I really need to get back to seein a shrink because honestly.. if this goes on much longer without any help I'll end up letting everyone down and breaking my promise. I'm just tired. so tired. All I want to do is sleep. And never wake up. Or fade into the stars or dust or whichever, just no longer exist.
    I don't want to hurt anyone. But I keep hurting myself by living the way I live. It's like I'm right back where I was some years ago; every day being a struggle not to selfharm. every day a struggle not to touch the booze. every day a struggle not to get high. every day fighting agains the will to die. It's tiring, I'm so drained. Just want to sleep and stop existing...
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    So I did go to my gp for a referral to a therapist. I was sent to an organisation for short term mental health. During the first appointment I explained that i'm gonna need more than a few appointments, that I'll probably need long term help. The guy was going to refer me to the mental health care institution it took over three weeks for them to send me a consent form so they had permission to get my files from previous therapies. Its been another three weeks since I sent those forms in.

    Now, I may have had a better week last week, but in general i'm slipping. I self harmed two weeks ago and I've started smoking pot again now and then and don't get me started on this 'herbal xtc' stuff I've discovered. The only thing I have managed to keep in check lately is my craving for alcohol.

    Also i'm surprised myself at how I've been with and around people lately. I've always been known to be very outgoing and spontaneous and I easily make contact with strangers. Lately I feel very uncomfortable around people though. Not just strangers but also my friends. I'm even more uncomfortable around my friends than around strangers. One on one with friends I can handle, sorta, but in groups its a disaster. I get all quiet and shy and sad to the point where all I can think is: 'when is it over? When can I leave without being rude?'

    People don't seem to care about me anymore and I keep pushing everyone away. Perhaps to make things easier or to make it so that I won't Ferrell guilty if I snap and end up killing myself. I don't know. All I do know is that i'm very very unhappy and don't really see the point .