Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Freya, May 2, 2014.

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  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    You hold out for this good thing on the horizon. The thing that makes the dry acrid barren wasteland of your life just about worth tolerating. The oasis in the desert that you can see - just off in the distance - and you figure that yes, okay, maybe you are bleeding from dragging yourself over broken stones, and maybe it has been so long since you saw water that every breath feels like inhaling a thousand tiny shards of glass, and maybe it would be such a relief to lay down and die.... but there is an oasis on the horizon and its beautiful - you can see the sparkle where the sunshine hits the water and the tips of green leaves in the distance.

    It would be funny if it were not so agonisingly, debilitatingly, painful.

    Because I should know by now. I should KNOW. BY. NOW. That beautiful thing on the horizon is the reflection of a reality I cannot have. It is a glimpse of a world I do not belong to. It is not FOR the likes of me. It is a fantasy that will disintegrate the second I am close enough to touch it. I do not deserve it.

    Because this wasteland of a life... I created it. It is completely my fault. I polluted it and contaminated it.

    I am toxic.
  2. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    That was remarkably relatable. Most of it, at least.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Freya you write so beautifully you do but sometime a mirage is not a mirage and what you see in front of you is the truth and you deserve only beauty and peace You are not toxic hun if you were you would not be here helping so many You are the mirage of beauty inside and out you are hugs
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Whats the answer for an antidote
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    The mirage is ALWAYS a mirage. The Good Thing ALWAYS turns to dust as soon as I am close enough to touch it. And sometimes that Good Thing is a person - and just by being near me they end up contaminated by the toxic smog I carry around with me - and their life goes to shit too.

    I should stay the hell away from people.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes you should focus on YOU ok your healing you health and when you are stronger then the connections you make will be stronger you are not toxic hun you have an illness that all hugs
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Oh, Freya, I can so relate. My latest diary entry was "I don't belong. Anywhere." I suspect you feel very much the same way. I am so much more comfortable alone. I always stick my foot in my mouth when I am with people. What starts as a possible friendship, goes down in flames. What seems a reasonable goal, crumbles as I near it. And I always blame myself. And it really is often my fault. But not always. The world has a way of dumping crap in our laps, whether we deserve it or not. I just wish there was a little less crap, and a bit more cherry pie. A bit more of the good, to help us keep going through the bad. Freya, please hang in there. You are a good person. Or you would not do all you do on this site. And you really do write beautifully.
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