so after extensive research, months in and out of mental health offices, a stream of different pills to try to fix me, and a bunch of possible diagnoses by my docs that just didnt quite fit me... turns out we were able to find one. it was an odd sensation. always before, when they said i was depressed, or bipolar, or possibly mildly schizophrenic, the research i did on the disorders didnt sit right. sure one or two things would mesh, but the rest was off... i was still an inigma to myself. was i really broken? was there anyone else out there who just couldnt seem to function right like me? was it situational? was it gonna get better? was it gonna get worse? no answers, no insight into what was really broken inside me. then the term borderline personality disorder was mentioned. no pills had worked like they should have. no test result had illuminated the problem, so maybe this was what was wrong. (did i mention my health insurence is crap and i feel like im being treated by baboons pulling ideas out of a hat?) anyways... they gave me a bit of literature and the net gave me alot more. finally it was like a mirror. everything fit. it was someone writing about me, about things as only i knew them, things ive never told anyone, yet there they were in front of me clear as day....someone else has been here too. someone else has felt this way. someone else has been broken. i'm not alone. relief, bitter joy, like a long awaited reunion you never thought would happen.... but then the doubt, the worry. my instability, my self-destructive behaviors, my sabotage and unhealthy view on my relationships.... its not a phase...i really am broken... does that mean i'm never going to be able to make a relationship work? is my partner always going to be in an unfair and unhappy relationship with me? i feel toxic now, like im going to poison everything i touch. like a leper. does anyone know, can it work? i'm in a new and very turbulent marriage. i'm scared i'm never going to be a good partner, i'm not going to get better even if i try. will he always be feeling like he has to walk on eggshells? will i always scream and tell him i hate him, then sob and beg him not to go? if anyone is borderline or knows someone who is and can give me some insight, i would really appreciate it.