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Mirror revealed: what changes when you finally know what's wrong?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by abyss, Sep 6, 2008.

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  1. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    so after extensive research, months in and out of mental health offices, a stream of different pills to try to fix me, and a bunch of possible diagnoses by my docs that just didnt quite fit me... turns out we were able to find one. it was an odd sensation. always before, when they said i was depressed, or bipolar, or possibly mildly schizophrenic, the research i did on the disorders didnt sit right. sure one or two things would mesh, but the rest was off... i was still an inigma to myself. was i really broken? was there anyone else out there who just couldnt seem to function right like me? was it situational? was it gonna get better? was it gonna get worse? no answers, no insight into what was really broken inside me. then the term borderline personality disorder was mentioned. no pills had worked like they should have. no test result had illuminated the problem, so maybe this was what was wrong. (did i mention my health insurence is crap and i feel like im being treated by baboons pulling ideas out of a hat?) anyways... they gave me a bit of literature and the net gave me alot more. finally it was like a mirror. everything fit. it was someone writing about me, about things as only i knew them, things ive never told anyone, yet there they were in front of me clear as day....someone else has been here too. someone else has felt this way. someone else has been broken. i'm not alone. relief, bitter joy, like a long awaited reunion you never thought would happen.... but then the doubt, the worry. my instability, my self-destructive behaviors, my sabotage and unhealthy view on my relationships.... its not a phase...i really am broken... does that mean i'm never going to be able to make a relationship work? is my partner always going to be in an unfair and unhappy relationship with me? i feel toxic now, like im going to poison everything i touch. like a leper. does anyone know, can it work? i'm in a new and very turbulent marriage. i'm scared i'm never going to be a good partner, i'm not going to get better even if i try. will he always be feeling like he has to walk on eggshells? will i always scream and tell him i hate him, then sob and beg him not to go?
    if anyone is borderline or knows someone who is and can give me some insight, i would really appreciate it.
  2. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Ok. Man, what a complex disorder it is, BPD.

    Are you young? If you're still young (i.e. 20s, 30s) then sister you're in great shape as BPD you may have read has a self-limiting typical life-span of only ten years or so.

    Nobody knows why that is. But it's great news if you ask me.

    "What changes." Well, you have to have ongoing individual and marital counseling or that marriage will almost surely fail.

    You said, "i feel like im being treated by baboons pulling ideas out of a hat" -- know exactly what you mean. The inexactness of psychiatry is bad enough. BPD is far more challenging to pin down, as it is easily confused with many other disorders (by doctors); differential diagnosis is a nightmare with this thing.

    But if YOU know (i.e. it matches you as you described in the moment of voila), then you're very likely correct.

    Are you on medication? Meds cannot treat this but they can alleviate many symptoms, if that makes sense.

    Abyss, i hope I have been of help to you and that you'll follow up and keep posting. :smile:
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Atleast now you have a point to start working from. It may not be the diagnoses you wished for but now atleast you know what you are battling and can develope a game plan to setting things straight again. There are meds that can help, therapy and counselling and please think about joining a support group for BPD. Being with others that share the same pain as you can be so healing in itself. You can get ideas from others that are in the same place as you for coping and imporving your life. They can also hook you up with resources you may not of considered. As for your husband, now you can sit down and share the information you have read and together you can fight this. Please keep posting and getting as much support as you can from the members here. The first step to fighting any battle is knowing you arent alone. Good luck.
  4. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Damn, that was a good post Carla. Supports groups--absolutely.

    Great post.
  5. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i'm not currently on meds or seeing anyone. i got tired of therapy cuz it always feels like a waste of time and usually ends up leaving me pissed off. plus it costs $20 per visit and on my salary, that's more then i want to pay for a professional annoyance. i've tried it off and on since my parents started sending me in 3rd grade and never found any good in it. they stopped giving me meds when everything they gave me only served to worsen the symptoms, one made me feel angry all the time, another made me feel cold and apathetic, another had me very close to suicide, so they conceeded to stop trying when i told em it seemed like they were failing epically and gonna kill me if they kept throwing pills at me to see what stuck. honestly, since my interpersonal skills suck when it comes to important conversations (especially when the topic is me) i don't really know how to talk to my husband about this. i found a great website that outlined the whole thing real nice and cuz i'm basically a coward at heart i just emailed it to him instead of talking about it.... i know he's read it, or at least seen it, cuz he's an email/forum junkie :p but he hasnt said anything either...so now i really dont know how to continue to subject. i really appreciate the help by the way. also... i'm a little hesitant to seek out support groups and stuff cuz, well, frankly cuz i'm embarrassed about it, or maybe ashamed is more accurate. i'm not an open person by nature, and the concept of sitting in a room of strangers laying my dirty little secret out there makes my skin crawl. wish it had been somethin easier like depression, seems everyone has that...no stigma, ya know
  6. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member


    I apologize for the off-topic but it may be helpful in getting people to stop and read your post. Paragrahs and line breaking, girl. Unbroken, lengthy mongues are just daunting for some people at first glance.
  7. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    LOL! Professional annoyance.

    "they conceeded to stop trying when i told em it seemed like they were failing epically and gonna kill me if they kept throwing pills at me to see what stuck."

    . . . . .There's a some talent in you for writing. I can spot talent pretty well. Anybody else ever mentioned this?

    Exlore this when you get time, ok?

    "wish it had been somethin easier like depression"

    Oh GAWD. No. You really want that. I have it--YOU don't want it.

  8. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    yeah, writing has been a recognized skill in me since 2nd grade...but i cant spell to save my life, lol. idk, i get on a track and spew verbage until i dry heave out the last of it. proof that i'd need a damn fine editor if i ever cared enough to make a professional career out of writing.

    sorry for the novella-sized posts, never had much skill for formatting or focusing on the digestability of my brain-vomit.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi abyss. I guess it was a great relief for you when you found out that you have borderline personality disorder, so you could at least focus on treating that. That was how I felt when I found out that I had a kundalini awakening. We all have something about us that makes us different or unique. :hug:
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