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miserable monday

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ghostangelcake7, Aug 22, 2016.

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  1. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling exceptionally down today. I really don't know how to help myself anymore. I have no support. I had a terrible day today, was supposed to go shopping at target to get the things I needed. I opened up my car door and accidentally hit the car next to us in their rear view mirror..luckily no damage was done, and no one noticed.. but instantly ruined my ability to go into the store, and I sat inside the car while my 'bf' and his son went in for awhile. I just felt defeated. I later ate crappy taco bell and my stomach feels off from it..

    I can't stop obsessing about my past trauma lately, from the therapy. It is difficult to go this as a loner and have no one but the therapist to lean on.

    I probably need to get hopped up on medication to help me cope with these feelings that are ruining my livelihood.

    I really don't WANT to live anymore if 'this' is it for me. Life is stale. I don't feel good. My life is truly messed up, and been messed with I don't think I can repair myself. I will try alittle longer. but I honestly am fighting for my life right now.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there @ghostangelcake7 I am sorry you had a terrible day. Sounds like bad luck with what happened to the car but thankfully no damage done. Don't beat yourself up about it, these things happen.

    I am in the exact same situation I have my therapist to lean on but my family don't really understand well what im going through. So I can only imagine what you are going through. Is therapy working OK for you? I hope so. Maybe tell the therapist how you are feeling regarding this? He/she might have some suggestions for you!

    I am truly sorry you are feeling so bad, does talking here help? If so keep talking 'cos guess what, we will keep on listening! From what I have seen from you so far on these forums, you're a compassionate person with a kind heart and you have been through things people wouldn't even have nightmares about. I'm sorry!! (hugs)
  3. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Hey Ghostie,

    I hate that you are feeling the way I quoted above. Yes, I believe your life is messed up. After everything you have been through, it would be kinda hard not to be. Unfortunately, it is going to take some time to repair the damage that was done to you. But we all know you are a survivor.

    Sorry to hear you had a bad day today. But that happens to everyone from time to time. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

    I am here for you if you ever want to chat in private or whatever would help you the best way.

    Take Care
    Petal likes this.
  4. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Petal and Mox for your empathy.

    @Petal about how therapy is working..I am only on my fourth session. I literally just started going and it has felt at least nice to have someone to speak to about my unique situation with the perpetrator and my major life error. It hasn't really helped me feel better in general, but I get a sense of justice in my point of view, that I am NOT keeping it a secret, as if it is something that doesn't deserve some form of action, therapy is the only action I can take against what happened to me. I have no real other means to revenge, because I don't believe it would serve me in the long run. I am only trying to de-condition it.

    Speaking here helps, but sometimes I just feel beyond help (I think this is the feeling people are in when they do that final act). It has lifted since, but I think I may have major depression, it's a chronic and easily induced depressive state. I feel allergic to happiness because it's so elusive. I watch other people smile and laugh and feel alien to it all.

    @Mox, yes no one with a rational mind could say my life is NOT messed up, and I don't like when people try to sugar coat the truth about life or being all about banal statements like "don't worry, be happy' or 'don't let it get you down' (my current 'bf' says that one alot). It's so much deeper..they never get deep with me because they don't know the pain I know. But then again, they aren't me so what do they really care how I feel?

    I find alot of apathy and people just not wanting to deal with those who are needing some serious TLC and comfort outside of this forum. People are uncomfortable with others emotions. I realize that. I don't remember what it is like to feel normal. I've become too self aware and analytical for my own good. It's crippled me as a human being. I just feel too defective to carry on.
    OCDNihilism and moxman like this.
  5. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Have I ever told you I like your attitude? I really do. You will not this horrible event in your life define who you are. You are taking control of your life and facing your issues head on. I can not imagine how hard or scary that is for you. But you are doing it. Think of your 4 therapy sessions as 4 baby steps towards recovery.

    I've been through my own traumatic experience. While it is nothing like the hell you went through. It did affect me a lot, I only opened up about with another member at SF. This was something that happened to me in 1994, but I wasn't able to let it out until this past month. I think sometimes you can't understand something unless you have been in similar situations.

    I'm here for you Ghostie if you ever want to talk.

    Take Care, I do care for you and I care about what you are going through.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again,

    Well, I am very glad that you have your therapist there for you helping you work out what needs action and what doesn't.

    I loved how you said this. It definitely sounds like the therapy is working and effective, simple fact is we cannot change the past or predict the future so stay in the present where you will always be safe of any harmful thoughts, have you ever practised mindfulness? If not, have a look at it on the Internet, it is really helpful and brings you back to the ''moment'' every time! It's great for anxiety.

    Best of luck with your upcoming sessions and be sure to let us know how they go for you! We are here and we do care. (hugs to you)
    moxman likes this.
  7. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    I try to express myself as best I can, thanks ;)

    I completely understand that the incident of my past, the major life error, is not 'erasable' it is a part of my life, but is *not* really my life, or makes up me in totality, it was just a horrible blip that has come and gone. I am using my therapy to take whatever steps and actions I can to remove it's influence and any imprints of it having happened to me. I am just happy to be exposing this sick vile pig-man to someone/s. I know, deep to my soul, there will be karma unto them. I believe in a universal power..and the fact my therapy has a powerful driving force and motivation to overcome this sad pathetic time of my earth time. I am remembering more who I was before it, and it helps me reconnect with my 'lost self', and remembering my moral integrity had been there all along, and even though they tried, did not manage to steal it. There was some powerful guardian inside me that kept it untouched and immovable. I am proud of myself for at least that. It is an integral part of who I am.

    I am very familiar with this 'mindfulness'. I love the concept of only The Present being real. I mean, we can only be in the present anyway...so makes complete sense.
    I have had too much bad things happen to me to not need to practice being grounded in the present, where I am truly just an 'awareness', instead of being this ego. Afterall, awareness is what gives things existence. If I remove my awareness of things I passed and focus on the awareness of what is, I remove the whole experience..it is as if it never happened.

    I realize and know that time is the greatest healer and will remove this experience from me at some point, and continue to displace with new moments and experiences.
    I am still considered fairly fresh out of the trauma, just awakened, so I am in for a bumpy ride for a little while longer, but I will hold on as tightly as I can to get through it.
    Like riding a horse for the first time I guess you could say. I need to just continue on this time lapse.
  8. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    I really like the way you put things Ghostie. I admire your strength.
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