Hello, my real name is Ryan. I usually come to this site when I'm feeling miserable, because it helps me. I can read about the struggles of other people with real problems and it makes me feel like I'm not alone and makes me want to encourage them. When I'm reading a long post by someone, I usually think "gosh, not many people would read something so long offhand." It's only now that I realize how foolish I am to assume that the sole purpose of the message is for others to read, while it's probably more so for the author. They could get their feelings out in a word document true, but there's something to be said about making your thoughts public rather than storing them away in secret. You feel heard even though not many would have read it. Anyways, I thought that I would finally post a long message describing my current circumstances which has brought me here to ramble on. I'm a graduating college student with an extraordinarily blessed life and future. All things considering, I have no real problems. But, all I can afford to do is be miserable. Why? Her. I hate her, because I cheese sandwich her. I use "cheese sandwich" as an abstract term for affection, because I refuse to admit that I'm still in love after all this rejection. Why won't she love me anymore? Why won't I stop caring?! How old am I? It's been three months and I still wine daily. I'm alone. That makes it harder. All my friends are graduated and gone. My family tells me to get out there and make new friends, but that's unusually hard for me. I met all my friends so long ago, I don't even remember how to do it. I cling to the old, and fear the new. I keep thinking that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. At 22, I'm thinking this. What is my complex? Granted, I did grow up with my mom whom was divorced and lonely. And granted, I'm shy as hell. And finally, I just don't want to try anymore. All my life, I've struggled profusely in the most basic of social situations. I've always had a few friends, and I have had two very beautiful relationships. Still, I can tell I've been getting worse. I can't do it anymore. In the past few years, I haven't really succeeded in getting out and meeting people. And now all my friends and girlfriend are gone. I'm different. Strange. I can't hold a regular conversation with someone I don't know without coming off as an idiot. How am I suppose to formulate friendships less bit attract someone? I've been turning over two methods of suicide in my mind. I'm stupid to want to die. Stupid to give up at this juncture, but I'm sick of this hole I've sunken into. How can I expect to get out if I don't man up and throw myself out there? Why won't I man up? It's been three months! Sorry if I annoyed you with this post. I understand that things could be a lot worse for me. I've just been feeling a truckload of anguish and loneliness for the past few months and tonight I needed to write about it. I don't feel like I could tell anyone I know. Thanks for reading this and God bless ya.