Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pickett, Jun 19, 2011.

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  1. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    Where do I start? For those of you who don't know this is my first post on the site. I've checked it out a few times and finally decided to join.

    I've attempted suicide now three times. I could probably count other times but I have had at least three serious attempts. My last was in May when I overdosed on <edit method>. I'm not sure how many I took but in the morning I had vomit on the floor by my bed with blue bits in it.

    I have been suffering from chronic pain for nearly two years now. It's sort of a long story but I'll do my best to explain. In 2009 I broke my finger on the job and the temp service wanted to fire me to avoid paying my medical bills. I was feeling horrible about that. On top of this I had been very lonely and isolated for a long time beforehand. Being gay made things worse. After I was injured I just had it and OD'd on pain medicine prescribed for my broken finger. I was rushed to the hospital and stomic was pumped.

    I was held for three days (72hrs) and on the first day I guess I frightened one of the nurses. I personally just thought she was a bitch who wanted to hurt someone but I am a tall person. My size might have made her nervous. I'm so gentle though. They were cruel and beat my head into a concrete floor and for the remainder of my stay I was obviously not in the mood to open up to anyone. But I felt better when I got out and was going to try to be happy and accept who I was.

    Until a fagbasher beat me up and kicked me between the legs a month or two later. Ever since then I have suffered like you can't imagine. It has been so hard working and made it many times harder to beat my addiction to alcohol. The last time I went to the phsych ward in October 2010 I told them all this but they wanted to prescribe me antidepressants because my pain. I told them that they should cure me and do a surgury to make the pain go away. They and everyone else was just content to let me be in pain until the day I died. I don't want my groin, back, leg or testical to hurt like that anymore. I can't live like that. It has made me a seriously screwed up person.

    I was even made fun of in there by expressing that I was in real physical pain. I was given antibiotics but they didn't fix the pain and the doctor admitted to me last month he was wrong about the first diagnosis. It was epyditmitis and he told me it might be scarring. He doesn't think he can do anything or is just refusing. I'm not making another payment to him until he fixes it and right now I guess that's never. I just don't want to live anymore. No one can tell me I shouldn't do it until they have dealt with this much pain. I have emotional pain but physical pain is a whole lot different. It sucks. I'm a burden and weak but everybody expects me to "toughen up" and "just live with it." COULD YOU?

    I'm so afraid to go back to work because of it. I have gotten out of work and been working and have had real tears coming down my face. The doctors are just exempt from having to do their job and still expect payment. Why should I have to work and be in this much agony. I am 23 years old and have been destroyed in my prime by what that asshole did to me. I'll never ever be the same again. I'll just faniscize about my soul leaving my body sometimes. I even consider castrating myself because my balls hurt. I'm miserable, lonely and really hurting inside and out.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry these dam professionals are not listening to you or helping you. Can you not go to another hospital another specialist to get another opinion hun. There has to be some surgery they can do to correct the damage done to you. Go to another hospital okay seek another specialist don't let their ignorance stop you from getting the help you need.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I agree with Total Eclipse, is there any way you can see another doctor, get some other opinions? You shouldn't have to live with this much pain!!
  4. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    I saw my main doctor twice. The first time which was last year he said epidytimitis and last visit he was sure he was wrong. He thinks there could be scarring on or around the testicle.

    He offered to refer me to pain management therapy but I said no way. Those people make money by telling you to exercise and breathe. Um... I can do that on my own. I don't need to pay someone to tell me that.

    He doesn't think anything can be done and said he knows no one who will remove the testicle. He said he cannot even guarantee that will cure me but I would sure as hell try it. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to have my life normal again.

    I don't think I can see another doctor at the moment. I am in so much debt from hospital visits and such that I couldn't. I'm not working right now because it's so painful and I have really lost my mind these last couple of years. I DID work in February of this year but I was in so much pain I ended up losing the job.

    I've been thinking about joining the military. I doubt they'll let someone like me in, but if they do they will at least pay for my funeral. I don't think anyone is going to help me. Right now there's nothing more I hate than doctors and homophobes.

    I've probably done so much damage to my body from drinking and trying to overdose. It's funny that they want you to worry about your health but if you are having chronic pain your blood pressure is always high and you are miserable. Why don't they correct that so you CAN be healthy???? It really seems to me that they just deny people help to thin out the herd.

    What I have been through I wouldn't want to wish on anybody. Even the people that have hurt me. It's really been bad. The worst part about it is that it is probably curable but they are refusing to help me. I just hate believing nothing can be done. I don't think they want to help me. What could they get out of keeping me down this way? Don't they know if I'm sick I have no intention of paying them? If I lose, everyone does.

    I shouldn't have to live this way. Yes I am depressed about alot of things but if I didn't have the burden of chronic pain then I could change my life. Right now it is worthless and a bullet in my head would be MERCY.

    I have to wonder everyday how I am going to make it. If I wasn't living with my parents I would already be done. But they are tired of me and am tired too. I want to die. No I want to live. But I just can't live like this! It isn't right and I keep getting worse. Death would be a blessing if it came very quickly!!! I'll never get a second chance I should go
  5. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi Pickett,

    Can you sue the person who injured you and get your medical bills paid and possibly some wage loss pay?

    Our society is really sick, but please don’t give up. Do what you can to get your pain taken care of. You can make it!

    Like you said, you are in your prime. There are many things (hopefully some things in your favour) we don’t know now that may happen along the line. Please hang in there…

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
  6. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    No I do not know who attacked me.

    Also when you mention I said I am in my prime you fail to note the fact that I actually said I was destroyed in my prime. :unsure: So your presumption that "I can do it" is a little unfounded wouldn't you say?
  7. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    I cannot understand why people tell me I hate myself or am not trying to better myself. Excuse me? The chat room pissed me off tonight.

    I have battled with addiction. I have even given it up and tried meds. But guess what? STILL IN PAIN. So I started up the drinking again to cope with the pain. Instead of CURING the patient we just have to insult him and treat him bad.

    They basically told me "we aren't going to cure you but we will take your money and you shouldn't drink because even though you live with horrible pain your life is worth living."


    Why would anyone want to end their life with such great help like that?

    I HAVE TRIED. I HAVE and damn anyone who says I haven't. The people who need to put me back together have failed me. This isn't something that should all be on me. I cannot perform surgery on myself and if I did I might be more messed up.

    I am angry. I am bitter. If anyone has a right to be it is me, especially when I get lectured on the chat room about how my life is worth living. You people aren't helping you are only feeding your own ego on why YOU should live. Let me tell you. You'd feel a lot differently if you were dying of Cancer or AIDS.
  8. mgun

    mgun New Member

    I wasn't trying to lecture you about your life or anything- you know your life much more intimately than I do: and if you say your pain is unbearable and your addiction cannot be managed, then you're probably right. The reason I kept talking to you in that chat room was cuz I thought, hey this guy, Pickett, has come to Suicide Forum and he is wanting to talk about these things with another person. I figured, if I kept my mouth shut, then there is more reason for you to think that nobody wants to help you out. And I bet you have tried and tried, and tried to relieve yourself from the pain...
    When you said to me that I should only try talking to you if I've suffered for 2 years the same thing you have, my thoughts were: If I had been exactly in the same position as you and came in here for that, would you really wanna talk to me? However, if you are only looking for other people who have suffered exactly the same thing, then I wish you all the best. No insult was intended in the conversation we had, and if you just wish for me to shut up, then just say the word.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Pickett, Can you go see an Urologist.. Let them examine you.. I went thru a similiar thing and they had to remove one of mine..You should find more compassion from one of them..Just skip your GP, he doesn't sound like he knows shit..
  10. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    I saw my GP and he referred me to a Urologist. The Urologist just shrugged and had this look like, "sorry about your bad luck." That was it. He didn't even give me information on what to do next but expected the $40 copay nonetheless.

    Mgun I appreciate you trying to help me but the whole "tough it out" lecture really hurt me. I have been trying for a couple of years to be tough with this and all I get is more of my hope and sanity gone every day.

    Hope is worthless. What I need is a doctor willing to do his job. I have tried and paid and have gotten NOTHING. I'm sick of it.

    I found out today I can't even join the military because of this, which I figured. Until my problem is fixed my life isn't worth anything. I'm not able to do anything. I'll never get a second chance to have the life I wanted so suicide is really seeming like an option.

    Even though I'm wishing I had a gun to blow my head off with right now I actually have to say that I love myself. I just hate what I've been put through and want to be euthanized. People are more kind to animals than humans. They would put down an old or injured animal.
  11. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    Goodbye everyone. I just don't see how I can go one with this pain. I barely have any money left and my problem makes it hard to find work.

    A few people have told me I am asking for a pitty party but that couldn't be further from the truth. I actually want to be healed but I have been denied that. I have done all I can and the people that were supposed to help did so little.

    Chronic testicular pain is a nightmare. I hope it ends with my death and my soul is freed. Emotional pain I could deal with but not this. Two years is my limit. I'm going to make another attempt and succeed.
  12. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Pickett, I can't even imagine the nature of the pain you're enduring. I'm sorry you are experiencing such hardships. I don't have any answers other than to suggest that you keep at your doctor until you get a solution. It should not have to be this way - where the patient has to tell the docs what they are looking for - but it's a reality in an awful lot of countries now.

    Please don't attempt to kill yourself. Try another doctor. Maybe you can get some assistance through a gay rights group? They may even know of specialists who deal with such injuries, given the nature of "gaybashing". Perhaps you could look on the internet and make some inquiries?

    I really feel badly for you. I hope you find the strength to keep holding on. I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun there are hundreds of doctors drop the one you have and get one that gives a dam okay go to a new specialist and get help for you YOu have to be your best advocate okay don't let some doctors stupidity stop you from getting the help you deserve Please find another specialist
  14. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    I happen to know someone who is suffering from Myelodysplastic syndromes (MDS), a group of diseases that affect the bone marrow and blood and can often develop into a fast-growing severe type of leukemia.

    You can see the whole article at http://www.bonemarrow.org/onetoone/121-fyffe.html

    By the way, Nick is also gay and made a video about it which may be liberating in a way:


    You mentioned soul...as far as I know, no soul would choose suicide...

    I am really sorry that you have to go through what you are going through, but I still believe that you can have the will to live...
  15. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    I really appreciate the support. I'm still here for now. I sold some of my belongings yesterday and was able to make a few dollars. Maybe now I can go to the doctor but what sucks is that there is a block on my account.

    This means I won't be able to schedule and appointment until a payment from a previous balance has been paid. The irony of this is that if they would have just done their job it wouldn't have to result in this.

    I know I can't live like this forever. I refuse too. No one is going to tell me I have to accept this and move on. Not only is that cruel but it is asinine because no one but me knows what this has felt like - emotionally and physically. A doctor telling me to live with it is a cop-out. Plain and simple.

    I am still trying and still trying to work with a system that has been a total vampire to me. If I was healed then maybe I could work real good and make my payments but I guess common sense isn't common with these goons.

    I cut myself a littlle today but was too afraid to press hard. I got scared. I have gone through so much and I want someone to really try as hard as I have to cure me. If I never get that I couldn't handle it.

    EDIT: Thank you for the links LoveBeing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 22, 2011
  16. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You are welcome…and thank you for keep trying…doing what you can…you are truly strong…

    I sincerely understand what you are saying…only you know “what this has felt like”…I really hope that you can find a way to get done what needs to be done…

    Please give yourself some time and do not add more pain to yourself while you are trying to get better…

    With loving wishes...and hugs :hug:
  17. mgun

    mgun New Member

    I am sooo glad you are still hanging in there. I was VERY worried for you when you wrote that Goodbye message. Please don't give up! *hug*
  18. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    I survived an attempt on Friday night. I'm still here. :unsure: I known I'm not allowed to say how I did it but let's just say I needed a few stitches. It wasn't pretty.

    I'm just so stressed out and frustrated. I want to be healed and it seems no one is listening. I don't really want to die but it's so hard living this way.

    My mom calls me lazy and tells me I'm running away from responsibility. What she can't seem to realize is that my physical pain puts serious limits on me. She can't see how serious it is. I want to be able to work and do things but it puts me in more pain. It seems she just wants me alive so she has someone to punish and take her anger out on. The irony is that she will sit and say I am the one who is punishing her.

    I'm supposed to get an MRI done sometime this week or next. It has to be approved. Maybe that will give the doctors more information. I really hope so. I hope they help me soon. My doctor told me he didn't no anyone who would do castrations anywhere in the U.S. but the pain is bad that sometimes I think I would be happier if it was done. I'm really desperate and cracked up because of this trauma.

    Please pray they help me so I don't go back to the funny farm.

  19. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Pickett,

    I don’t usually pray, but I am praying for you to have the strength to go through what you are going through…

    I understand that it’s very hard living this way already…again, please do not add any more pain to yourself…

    Your mom is just frustrated…she loves you, but she doesn’t know what to say or do to help…she just wants you to get better…you know you have the same goal…you do not really intend to punish each other…

    I also pray for you to get the MRI done and the help you need from your doctors…

    Please stay strong…hang in there…

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
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