Where do I start? For those of you who don't know this is my first post on the site. I've checked it out a few times and finally decided to join. I've attempted suicide now three times. I could probably count other times but I have had at least three serious attempts. My last was in May when I overdosed on <edit method>. I'm not sure how many I took but in the morning I had vomit on the floor by my bed with blue bits in it. I have been suffering from chronic pain for nearly two years now. It's sort of a long story but I'll do my best to explain. In 2009 I broke my finger on the job and the temp service wanted to fire me to avoid paying my medical bills. I was feeling horrible about that. On top of this I had been very lonely and isolated for a long time beforehand. Being gay made things worse. After I was injured I just had it and OD'd on pain medicine prescribed for my broken finger. I was rushed to the hospital and stomic was pumped. I was held for three days (72hrs) and on the first day I guess I frightened one of the nurses. I personally just thought she was a bitch who wanted to hurt someone but I am a tall person. My size might have made her nervous. I'm so gentle though. They were cruel and beat my head into a concrete floor and for the remainder of my stay I was obviously not in the mood to open up to anyone. But I felt better when I got out and was going to try to be happy and accept who I was. Until a fagbasher beat me up and kicked me between the legs a month or two later. Ever since then I have suffered like you can't imagine. It has been so hard working and made it many times harder to beat my addiction to alcohol. The last time I went to the phsych ward in October 2010 I told them all this but they wanted to prescribe me antidepressants because my pain. I told them that they should cure me and do a surgury to make the pain go away. They and everyone else was just content to let me be in pain until the day I died. I don't want my groin, back, leg or testical to hurt like that anymore. I can't live like that. It has made me a seriously screwed up person. I was even made fun of in there by expressing that I was in real physical pain. I was given antibiotics but they didn't fix the pain and the doctor admitted to me last month he was wrong about the first diagnosis. It was epyditmitis and he told me it might be scarring. He doesn't think he can do anything or is just refusing. I'm not making another payment to him until he fixes it and right now I guess that's never. I just don't want to live anymore. No one can tell me I shouldn't do it until they have dealt with this much pain. I have emotional pain but physical pain is a whole lot different. It sucks. I'm a burden and weak but everybody expects me to "toughen up" and "just live with it." COULD YOU? I'm so afraid to go back to work because of it. I have gotten out of work and been working and have had real tears coming down my face. The doctors are just exempt from having to do their job and still expect payment. Why should I have to work and be in this much agony. I am 23 years old and have been destroyed in my prime by what that asshole did to me. I'll never ever be the same again. I'll just faniscize about my soul leaving my body sometimes. I even consider castrating myself because my balls hurt. I'm miserable, lonely and really hurting inside and out.