As is the case with everyone here I am sure, the reasons for me coming here are very long and upsetting. I have been through them before, and I'm quite sure those of you who have read it have no desire to do so again! I actually am not what you would call a "regular" on this site, as my feelings, whilst erratic, don't tend to get suicidal that often. So if I'm on here, it's usually a bad sign, although there are some genuinely beautiful souls here who are a pleasure to talk to. The odd thing is, I'm actually in a better position now than I have been for about 6 years. I manage my own shop, I earn good money, I have my family, a nice home, good things... I am not destitute, nor is the current economic climate causing me problems. I am, in quite a real sense, lucky. I also am a born-again Christian, something which undoubtedly saved my life and makes me happier than anything. So why do I feel like this? Why does every self-esteem issue about me still depress me to the point of suicide? Why does every failed attempt at a relationship (or lack of any sign of one) stick in me like daggers? Why does my anger boil up until I hate myself for being so aggressive at the world? Why do I still get jealous over everyone else? I have come to the conclusion that I am a deeply selfish person at heart. I want to be happy, but it seems my own interests don't take into account anyone else. I don't realise I'm doing it until later, at which point I realise what an awful person I really am. Christianity won't change that. Hopefully it can gain me forgiveness in the eyes of Jesus, but I don't feel I can ever forgive myself. If I died, my brother would get my shop which he deserved all along. My parents wouldn't have to keep ferrying me around, worrying when I'm going to learn to drive or get a girlfriend. The people at work won't get to find out it's all just window-dressing when everything finally collapses. The people at church won't discover I'm a horrible person when I snap and show my true colours. And I will have peace and no cares and, hopefully, forgiveness. It doesn't matter how good things are, how many blessings I have, I still feel like this. And that surely proves, more than anything, how self-centered I am.