Misery in Success?

[sithspit]

As is the case with everyone here I am sure, the reasons for me coming here are very long and upsetting. I have been through them before, and I'm quite sure those of you who have read it have no desire to do so again!

I actually am not what you would call a "regular" on this site, as my feelings, whilst erratic, don't tend to get suicidal that often. So if I'm on here, it's usually a bad sign, although there are some genuinely beautiful souls here who are a pleasure to talk to.

The odd thing is, I'm actually in a better position now than I have been for about 6 years. I manage my own shop, I earn good money, I have my family, a nice home, good things... I am not destitute, nor is the current economic climate causing me problems. I am, in quite a real sense, lucky. I also am a born-again Christian, something which undoubtedly saved my life and makes me happier than anything.

So why do I feel like this? Why does every self-esteem issue about me still depress me to the point of suicide? Why does every failed attempt at a relationship (or lack of any sign of one) stick in me like daggers? Why does my anger boil up until I hate myself for being so aggressive at the world? Why do I still get jealous over everyone else?

I have come to the conclusion that I am a deeply selfish person at heart. I want to be happy, but it seems my own interests don't take into account anyone else. I don't realise I'm doing it until later, at which point I realise what an awful person I really am. Christianity won't change that. Hopefully it can gain me forgiveness in the eyes of Jesus, but I don't feel I can ever forgive myself. If I died, my brother would get my shop which he deserved all along. My parents wouldn't have to keep ferrying me around, worrying when I'm going to learn to drive or get a girlfriend. The people at work won't get to find out it's all just window-dressing when everything finally collapses. The people at church won't discover I'm a horrible person when I snap and show my true colours. And I will have peace and no cares and, hopefully, forgiveness. It doesn't matter how good things are, how many blessings I have, I still feel like this. And that surely proves, more than anything, how self-centered I am.

 

[jane doe]

hun being jelouse of feeling bad for not having a relationship or for failing at it, its not being self centered. Jelousy is one of the worse things we can feel(im sick jelouse also)and i think that is just the lack of self steem or lack of trust. Have u ever tried counceling or seeking for some sort of help for your low self steem? the fact that u are in pain for all these things u do/feel means that u dont want to and its the first step for a change. You are in a good moment of ur life,but im guessing it wasnt always like that. You need time to get used to things to go well, exacly the same way u need time to get used to when things go wrong.
May be what u need is more time to spare with yourself, go for walks and stay alone in your room will also help u think what u want, what u need and how u will do it.

Best of luck for u my friend, im sure this will passs too gs* :hug:

 

[sithspit]

I did see a councellor years ago, but I stopped after she told my school (and subsequently my parents) about my suicidal feelings. I've never had high self-esteem, and always looked to others to justify myself... I got told by the girl who said she liked me today that she doesn't like me and is in love with someone else. Wonderful.

The thing is, I feel awful, and then feel worse for being so self-centered. I kind of hope I do get so depressed I kill myself because it'd at least solve my short-term problems.