Missed my window

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Kyrok

New Member
#1
I hit bottom late 2017. Miserable marriage, increasing severe chronic pain, profound frustration with my career. It was a life of bad choices and bad luck.

My plan was to kill myself shortly after my 50th birthday. I had a trip planned to visit my parents and brother, then upon my return, kill myself.

I had a will written and notarized, a letter, all my finances settled, etc..

I deeply loved my dog, but knew she didnt have much time left. About 10 months prior she was diagnosed with cancer and they have her 6-8 months.

Then, a day before my trip she got sick: vomiting and diarrhea. I took her to the vet who asserted it was the cancer. But I had my doubts. Her tumor was in her anal gland (removed upon diagnosis) and if it metastasized, it didnt make sense she would become violently Ill overnight.

So, I researched and concluded it was pancreatitis. I canceled my trip and nursed her back to health. She lived another two years, dying August 15th of this year.

My plan thus changed to suicide upon her death. The problem is that over the past year my career has made a huge turn: I was offered the directorship of a new division at my policy research center, my policy work happened to turn me into something of a state-level celebrity. Instead of boring research projects, I'm now drafting legislation, interviewed by reporters, and managing a team of junior researchers and staff.

Because I'm not at my desk so much and dont have to focus on writing, my pain is more manageable. But I'm still miserably lonely and am very limited in what I can do physically. I want to commit suicide. However, I now feel too obligated to others. If I were still a "nobody," only my family would be affected. But now, my projects would crumble, it would ruin the non-profit I've started as an offshoot of my department, and scandalize the work I do, much of which involves helping people.

I missed my window but I dont want to live. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I'm alone.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
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SF Supporter
#2
Hey Kryok
Good to see your "welcome" post finally.
Your story is a good one (you know, as much as "good stories" go here, right?). I know what you mean about now suddenly having purpose and people needing you and how that's killing your ability to do yourself in. I think that happens with people with things as small as a romantic relationship and as large as -- well, this. You.
I'm glad you've found something worthwhile. Something to live for, even if it's not what you want. I know what field you are in and I think it's got a huge purpose in this upcoming decade. (I'd be into chatting that up some time if you like)

So, anyway - hello to you

Matt
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#3
@Kyrok
From what I see from your post, your life has gotten better instead of worse because your physical pain has lessened and your career has taken a dramatic turn for the better.
And yet you feel despair. I noticed it's due to your loneliness. Is it because of your miserable marriage? I understand that even within marriage, a person can feel lonely. Have you tried a marriage counselor? It might help.
You are close to my age because I'm in my 60s. And yet I still want to live. Something brains is not enough. We also need guts. In my case I always had the guts. But I never knew I had it--until I began to use it.
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
SF Pro
#4
I just wanted to applaud your success in making your vision/dream a reality...As I have discovered now in my later 50s work can't fulfill all of my life and it is so challenging to identify things that interest me so that I can start towards a path of discovering that elusive feeling of being connected so that I can live life to its fullest but in balance at the same time if that makes any sense. Sending you positive thoughts for today...
 

Mindy P

Well-Known Member
#5
I’m still struggling to find a/my voice in regards to this topic...what a beautiful gift of love & time you gave your fur baby. You sound like a true game changer in your career! I’m glad your physical pain has lessened. You have a tremendous value in this life.
 
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