I hit bottom late 2017. Miserable marriage, increasing severe chronic pain, profound frustration with my career. It was a life of bad choices and bad luck.
My plan was to kill myself shortly after my 50th birthday. I had a trip planned to visit my parents and brother, then upon my return, kill myself.
I had a will written and notarized, a letter, all my finances settled, etc..
I deeply loved my dog, but knew she didnt have much time left. About 10 months prior she was diagnosed with cancer and they have her 6-8 months.
Then, a day before my trip she got sick: vomiting and diarrhea. I took her to the vet who asserted it was the cancer. But I had my doubts. Her tumor was in her anal gland (removed upon diagnosis) and if it metastasized, it didnt make sense she would become violently Ill overnight.
So, I researched and concluded it was pancreatitis. I canceled my trip and nursed her back to health. She lived another two years, dying August 15th of this year.
My plan thus changed to suicide upon her death. The problem is that over the past year my career has made a huge turn: I was offered the directorship of a new division at my policy research center, my policy work happened to turn me into something of a state-level celebrity. Instead of boring research projects, I'm now drafting legislation, interviewed by reporters, and managing a team of junior researchers and staff.
Because I'm not at my desk so much and dont have to focus on writing, my pain is more manageable. But I'm still miserably lonely and am very limited in what I can do physically. I want to commit suicide. However, I now feel too obligated to others. If I were still a "nobody," only my family would be affected. But now, my projects would crumble, it would ruin the non-profit I've started as an offshoot of my department, and scandalize the work I do, much of which involves helping people.
I missed my window but I dont want to live. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I'm alone.
My plan was to kill myself shortly after my 50th birthday. I had a trip planned to visit my parents and brother, then upon my return, kill myself.
I had a will written and notarized, a letter, all my finances settled, etc..
I deeply loved my dog, but knew she didnt have much time left. About 10 months prior she was diagnosed with cancer and they have her 6-8 months.
Then, a day before my trip she got sick: vomiting and diarrhea. I took her to the vet who asserted it was the cancer. But I had my doubts. Her tumor was in her anal gland (removed upon diagnosis) and if it metastasized, it didnt make sense she would become violently Ill overnight.
So, I researched and concluded it was pancreatitis. I canceled my trip and nursed her back to health. She lived another two years, dying August 15th of this year.
My plan thus changed to suicide upon her death. The problem is that over the past year my career has made a huge turn: I was offered the directorship of a new division at my policy research center, my policy work happened to turn me into something of a state-level celebrity. Instead of boring research projects, I'm now drafting legislation, interviewed by reporters, and managing a team of junior researchers and staff.
Because I'm not at my desk so much and dont have to focus on writing, my pain is more manageable. But I'm still miserably lonely and am very limited in what I can do physically. I want to commit suicide. However, I now feel too obligated to others. If I were still a "nobody," only my family would be affected. But now, my projects would crumble, it would ruin the non-profit I've started as an offshoot of my department, and scandalize the work I do, much of which involves helping people.
I missed my window but I dont want to live. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I'm alone.