missing her/moan

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kindtosnails, Jul 29, 2007.

  1. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Bla bla. Warning, this will be a moan. A stupid moan i should keep to myself, but..i cant anymore. Unless of course i delete it in a minute, which is highly likely.

    i miss her so much. And every stupid little thing just keeps coming and stabbing me with it all over again. And everything mounts up until i can't breathe. But i can't cry. Musn't.

    It's stupid things like...eating broccoli, and remembering how we should eat it together, because she liked the leafy bits, and i like the stalks. You see, completely stupid things. And wanting to call her. Because she loved me, (God knows why), she cared.

    i'm so angry all the time. So much anger i don't know what to do with it.

    i'm so angry at myself. For not being there, (why would i have been?), but i hate the thought of her alone, wonder whether she was scared, whether she knew. i'm so angry at myself for not being stronger. i'm so angry at myself for failing again and again at being a better person.

    i'm so angry at myself for still wanting to get out, for still planning, for not being strong like her. For the fact that i'll never see her again, not in afterlife because she's with God and i'm going straight to Hell. And that's my fault.

    And i hate myself for moaning and going on and being a baby about it. But holding it in hurts and every day is shittier than the last.
  2. letdown

    letdown Guest

    :arms: I don't know the exacts of what is hurting you so much but I hear you and it is okay to feel angry.

    You sound very guilty for having your own feelings but your own personal feelings about death and dying are completely understandable.

    If you want to talk about it, what would have made you a better person? I get the feeling that you loved her a lot, you miss her a lot. She sounds like she was very much loved by you. Sometimes, when things happen outside of our control, it's automatic to feel like everything is your responsibility- if only you did a,b,c things may have been different. But certain things aren't your fault, I don't think that whatever you feel you didn't do was something you intentionally planned.

    You sound like you care and cared very deeply for this person.

    It's okay to cry. And it's okay to hurt, scream, yell and be angry at everything.
  3. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm glad you're getting some of this out hunny :hug:
  4. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    You're not weak... quite the opposite.

    You don't need to justify/try to rationalize your feelings. They're perfectly valid. It's ok to feel the way you do.

    :hug: just glad you could get that out...
  5. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Why is it hurting yourself seems so so much easier than crying, done neither, but you know, as options go...

    Feel so close to breaking it makes me sick, i make me sick. And so utterly alone. (But that's getting old.)

    And i know i'm going to go lie in bed and tell myself i'll sleep, and eventually will, for a bit. But then it will be morning again. And it will still be black. And i'll still be tired. And nothing will have changed. And it's about so much more than what happened. It's about the pointlessness of the world, life, everything. What happened just makes me more trapped in this empty routine.

    And it will just go on and on. And on.
  6. letdown

    letdown Guest

    ((((((((kindtosnails))))))))) I'm not sure how you feel about counselling or if you are in counselling at the moment but they can provide support for you- you are going through a lot and you don't need to do it alone.

    There will be a time when you wake up and it won't be as black, or maybe the blackness will lift for a while or for a long while and life will be more manageable. This sounds pretty far-fetched at the moment, I know.

    :hug: I'm here. There is help out there.
  7. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member


    What all of they said. Just try to sort yourself out tonight and hang on... we'll both hang on tonight, okay?
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I know how hard it can be when you miss someone like that. So many memories of the little things and the good times. You are not whining or moaning about it in the least. I am glad you got out what you were feeling. It gets a little easier with time as you learn how to deal with these memories when they do come. Take care hun. You will make it beyond this. you are stronger than you ever dreamed.
  9. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    you're not a baby at all for sharing that. I know how painful memories are, but be grateful you shared those moments with her, be happy you meet such a wonderful person. You will meet again :hug: