Bla bla. Warning, this will be a moan. A stupid moan i should keep to myself, but..i cant anymore. Unless of course i delete it in a minute, which is highly likely. i miss her so much. And every stupid little thing just keeps coming and stabbing me with it all over again. And everything mounts up until i can't breathe. But i can't cry. Musn't. It's stupid things like...eating broccoli, and remembering how we should eat it together, because she liked the leafy bits, and i like the stalks. You see, completely stupid things. And wanting to call her. Because she loved me, (God knows why), she cared. i'm so angry all the time. So much anger i don't know what to do with it. i'm so angry at myself. For not being there, (why would i have been?), but i hate the thought of her alone, wonder whether she was scared, whether she knew. i'm so angry at myself for not being stronger. i'm so angry at myself for failing again and again at being a better person. i'm so angry at myself for still wanting to get out, for still planning, for not being strong like her. For the fact that i'll never see her again, not in afterlife because she's with God and i'm going straight to Hell. And that's my fault. And i hate myself for moaning and going on and being a baby about it. But holding it in hurts and every day is shittier than the last.