Missing her-*trigger?*

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by *dilligaf*, Sep 18, 2007.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    "Puff Daddy-I'll Be Missing You"
    In the future, cant wait to see
    If you open up the gates for me
    Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)
    Try to black it out, but it plays again

    When its real, feelings hard to conceal
    Cant imagine all the pain I feel
    Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
    I know you still living your life, after death

    Every step I take, every move I make
    Every single day, every time I pray
    Ill be missing you
    Thinkin of the day, when you went away
    What a life to take, what a bond to break
    Ill be missing you

    Its kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
    Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh)
    Watchin us while we pray for you
    Every day we pray for you
    Til the day we meet again
    In my heart is where Ill keep you friend
    Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
    Strength I need to believe
    My thoughts big I just cant define (cant define)
    Wish I could turn back the hands of time

    I'm missing her so much. I cant go on like this. Every day gets harder. I want her back so much. I can't forget that night. Everytime I close my eyes it's there. Her face, that moment when it all went wrong, when my whole life changed.And then I just end up wanting to be with her. I know I should be over this by now-it feels like everyone else is, so why cant I?! At the same time I don't want to forget, I don't want to forget a single second of the time I had with her. It's all too painful though.
    I don't want to talk about it in front of Vikki. I don't want to remind her of a certain something, she seems to be doing okay on that subject right now and I don't want to be the one to trigger her. She's gone 15 days without cutting, and I'm scared whenever I get shitty or down that if I tell her she will get down and cut...and that it will be all my fault. Then if I don't tell her she gets in a mood with me anyway. I don't even know what's for the best anymore.
    I don't know why it's upsetting me so much the last couple of days. I managed to go past the 3 month anniversary without even remembering it. And now I have just said that I feel like a total bitch. I didn't even notice the 14th coming and going. I refuse to forget her. I refuse to forget one single little thing about her.
    Something will come on the T.V or I will see someone, or eat something .....just about anything .....and I remember her. I even get to the point where I almost turn to Vikki and say "I'll have to tell Nan" or something like that. Stupid isn't it.
    I can't forget that night. I still see everything about it. The people, the place, the sounds. But more than anything I see my Nan. Her face, the noises she was making, the things she said, then things she did.
    I feel like I am going mad sometimes, and then oter times it feels like it never happened.
    I want to cry so badly tonight but I refuse. I won't cry. I can't cry. Maybe when Vikki's asleep I will go outside or something but not in front of her.
    GROW UP SAM!! :mad:
    Nan I love you more than anything and it is slowly killing me not having you around :cry:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2007
  2. JamesD

    JamesD Member

    you poor poor person, the torment must be unbarable, she loved u as much as u did her, and just know she will never stop looking over you, just as u won't forget her, it kills inside and i understand wot its like. i just dunno how to put it, coz its unbareable like it was me.......nevr forget her
  3. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    i wont ever, EVER forget her.
    thank you for your post and for understanding

  4. JamesD

    JamesD Member

    well im only a pm away if u feel the need to talk :)
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    it means a lot :)
  6. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: sam i know its hard losing your nan i'm really sorry about your lost...And I know that song all to well to but try not to listin to it tom much if its gonna trigger you hun. I WANT YOU to be SAFE hun :hug: I care alot about you please if you need anything you know where to find me at :hug: