That part of a person that makes them want to live. To get at least one more day out of life. I don't have it. I just don't want to be alive. And if I can't be dead I'd prefer to just be locked away somewhere where I don't have to deal with anything anymore. I'm broken and I just don't want to be fixed. I'm done trying to have a normal life and I have no drive to do anything. Everything I do try just leads to me being angry. I have spent the last 2 days basically being told by the people around me that I'm a loser. That how do I expect to get what I want when I'm as pathetic as I am. I'm constantly teased because I quit football this summer on multiple occasions. I didn't quit because I don't enjoy football and that's why I kept going back. I quit because I just couldn't take the people and BS. I was angry enough without constantly watching certain players fuck around but still get to play just because they were athletes. It's the story of my life watching the good looking and self centered get what they want because that's just how our society works. I finally got a job after being unemployed for a full year. Hopefully it lasts the two months it's supposed to (construction on solar farm). But like football it's just more of me being teased and picked on because I don't fit in. The pretending is one of the big reasons I didn't want to do football or work construction. I have to pretend that I'm actually a man when I don't feel like anything but a 12 year old kid. The fact that I am a 26 year old who lives with his mom was the point of ridicule today. I don't want the doctor, the pills or any other bs that is just going to be more people looking at me and telling me that I need to do something better. I JUST WANT TO DIE.